The Dopie is just dopeyWhen I started blogging it was under the assumption that I’d be swimming in free designer shoes. A benevolent despot, I’d use my powers to lord over people and influence and cajole my nearest and dearest. “What’s that you said, you’ve nothing to wear tonight? Hmmm…. I guess you can wear my new shell heeled Miu Miu pumps. Miuccia did send me two pairs”.
No deal! My post box has been empty for months. Then one fine day I was emailed a press release (which I never read) asking if I’d like to write about the hottest new sandal out of Brazil.
For fuck sake!
I’m the despotic queen of Shoes! I won’t just give it up for free!
So I replied back, stating that I don’t write about things I haven’t tested (people at iphone, I hope you're listening) so please feel free to post me a sample.
Two weeks later my servants and I were at the post office, my heart was pumping at what I imagined was the start of an avalanche of free shoes … gimme, gimme, gimme … I ripped open the postbag and my heart stopped dead! In my hands were two big lumps of rubber cancer called Dopie.
I blog about unobtainable glamour, shoes that retail for thousands of dollars!
Not even the little baby Jesus in his Christmas crib could rescue me from the gruesome abomination that I was holding in my hands. Walking home (my stupid slaves had lost the sedan chair) I was numb with shock and before I could return to sender I’d unwittingly brought them into my home!
Sitting on the table, the massive vagina-like toe plug was crudely winking at me. I calmed myself down with a Quaalude and a Scotch chaser. My brain switched to auto and I convinced myself that I was under some kind of obligation to The Vine’s Fashion Editor to give them a crack. "Wear them! Test them!" She cried.
Staring down at my naked foot I was immediately repulsed at the massive toe plug that was separating my big and second toes. It was as if streptococcal meningitis had chowed down on a couple of my pinkies.
I knew it wasn’t going to get any better but I followed the instructions (yes! shoes with instructions … says it all doesn’t it!) and removed the velcro strap to turn them into ‘thongs’.
Whilst they’re easy to walk in and on some twisted level, comfortable, at the end of the day they’re fucking ugly shoes.
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