How to create the perfect cancer-free Christmas look

Want to avoid being a fashion victim this silly season? Then stay away from Miranda Kerr and the Middleton sisters. It turns out Victoria’s big ‘secret’ is that her knickers may give you cancer as will Zara’s unofficial royal-stamp-of-approval rags. 

While Cotton On are now working to ensure Australian children don’t spontaneously combust this Christmas, according to Greenpeace, grown-ups have been dressing dangerously for some time now.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that cigarettes will kill you but who knew Levi cut offs, Calvin Klein skinny legs, lacy Victoria’s Secret cups and Zara blazers contained more carcinogens that a pack of Winnie blues?    

During recent years Greenpeace has pounced on the fashion industry with the excitement and fervour Matt Preston unleashes on deep fried carbs and cravats. 

Since launching the Detox Campaign in 2011, with a flash mob inspired strip tease, the green police have stuck it to the other men of the cloth, the ones who pollute China’s waterways to produce the trend pieces which end up in our Paris Hilton-esque “wear it once” wardrobes.

This year instead of saving rainforests and brainstorming new anti-nuclear slogans they took it upon themselves to test more than 140 pieces of clothing from 20 of the world’s biggest fashion brands from 29 different countries to expose just how toxic fashion can be. 

In a recently released report, which was thicker than the September issue of US Vogue, Greenpeace called out well-known brands whose garb were found to contain high volumes of evil chemicals and materials that could kill the entire cast of The Little Mermaid and affect hormone levels in humans. 

The results share a lot of similarities with Jersey Shore - Both profile the ugly side of fashion much like The Situation and JWoww did. Plus, it turns out, the majority of things hanging in our closets nowadays will fry our ovaries and testes, which is essentially what the television show did to our brains. 

“Calvin Klein was the worst offender, with 88 per cent of the items we tested found to contain hazardous chemicals. Levi’s came second with 82 per cent, while Zara came third with 70 per cent. Some of these chemicals are incorporated deliberately within the fabric, while others are unwanted residues remaining from the manufacturing process,” Greenpeace strategic communications manager Tommy Crawford told The Business of Fashion.

Other notorious names included Tommy Hilfiger and Esprit who were labelled “detox laggards and villians” for having dodgy chemical management processes, policies and programmes. Giorgio Armani’s tan has always been questionable and according to this research so too are his clothes which were identified for committing serial sartorial offences. 

Last year Greenpeace successfully convinced Nike and Puma to work toward “Zero Discharges” with the chemicals they use and now want Earth Mother Kerr and her VS Angel mates to have their wings clipped until the lingerie label promises to do the same.  

Now that your political consciousness has been raised higher than the hemlines seen at music festivals here are some tips on how to create a cancer-free Christmas wardrobe: 

Invest in vintage – Put that dreaded time with the extended family to good use on Christmas Day. When the afternoon food comas set in take the opportunity to rifle through your rich Aunt’s purse for antique jewellery or, if you’re dining at your grandparents place, you’ll not only gain a few kilos but you could pick up a nice vintage fur for winter and some authentic “grandpa style” looks.

Buy high, high end – You think Karl and Frida would have their silks and tweeds going anywhere near millions of dead Nemo’s? When you cough up the big bucks to look schmick chances are you won’t get sick.  

Visit your nearest H&M – Sure our closest outlet may be in Asia and a return flight may cost more than your monthly salary at this time of year but just think how healthy (not to mention morally superior) you’ll feel with new kit from Hennes & Mauritz? The environmentally savvy Swedes are one of the first retailers to become an “engaged detox brand” who are promising to decrease toxin use and dangerous dischange (yep, that word happened again... sorry).

Go nude – it’s probably the cheapest option. Plus you never know – frugal free balling could become fashionable once the world ends on December 21.

(Image via Shutterstock)

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