Where and how to get the best spray tan in Sydney
Fake tans haven’t had the best rap in recent times. Last week in Daily Life, an incisive article by Celeste Liddle – a self-titled “non-white feminist” – contemplated how bizarre she finds the bronzing weapon-esque spray-guns, and since Jersey shows proliferated – the ‘Shore’, ‘licious’ and ‘Real Housewives’ iterations, specifically – artificial tanning has become as tacky as Hello Kitty nail art, only without the potential for a subversive hipster slant. Ask any Natural-Is-Couture fashion aficionado as well, and they’ll be quick to let you know that there’s nothing ironic or iconic about iodine-stained kneecaps.
But, really, does the average Big Day Out punter care that their simulated skin tone looks more haggard than haute? Based on anecdotal experience, I’m going to go with an unequivocal no. After witnessing horrendous fake tan after horrendous fake tan over the rained-soaked Australia Day weekend (not to mention last week’s coldest February weekend in 20 years), I think it’s time we stop the bastardization of this wonderful beauty swindle in its tracks.
Now is the time to reclaim the service that permits mini-skirts and ripped jeans in winter, shaves off a healthy five kilos with zero effort, and gives you an unassailable glow. You know, that kind that makes your peers believe you actually ventured into the sunshine and shed the aforementioned weight. While I may be no health or exercising expert (the above method is – self-consciously speaking – compromising at best) I am rather learned in beauty faux pas.
With a longstanding history of orange-tainted skin, blotchy neck blunders and leprosy-resembling cracks across my every skin surface, I’ve picked up a few tips, and would like to share them with you, fellow tanorexics! Let’s abjure those carroty blotches and bruises together with these five wonderful products and places, whilst avoiding DIY and bathroom jobs at all costs.
It’s easy to dismiss the Vietnamese-owned Sydney nail-and-tanning juggernaut. With two always-busy stores in one Bondi Junction block, a Paddington salon just a few kilometres down the road and branches in Newton, Northbridge, Neutral Bay and Potts Point, the budget beauty chain does not even loosely resemble an Endota spa or That Place Your Mum Took You To Before Your Cousin’s Wedding In Year 12. But please, leave your snobbery at the (neon light embellished) door.
Fake tans, shellac and waxing services are available here, and for good value too – as long as you’re specific. I have a friend who asked for a ‘very dark’ spray tan on her almost-purple post-winter legs, and the tan came out so atrociously off-colour it was green. But, if you’re in a rush and low on cash, specify to the lovely ladies that less is always more, and make sure you ask for the Natural Tan (ha ha) brand to be misted on conservatively. In just two hours, you’ll be sweet for a shower and some skin-bearing get-up.
Once, after attaining particularly great spray tan there, a 17-year-old Facebook friend of mine wrote on a shameless mobile upload, “nice collarbones”. Is there actually a bigger compliment in the world?
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