I love perfume. I love everything about it. I love the way it makes me smell. I love the way it makes me feel. I love the packaging. I love the cheesy advertising.
I own several bottles of the fancy lady liquid but I tend to commit to one or two fragrances for long periods of time. Currently my go-to bottles are Marc Jacobs Lola or Tom Ford Neroli Portofino for daytime, and Tom Ford Black Orchid for night. What can I say? I’m gay for Tom Ford fragrances.
As a perfophile (go with it) I am constantly on the lookout for new and exciting scents to spray upon my skin and adorn my dressing table. And during my research I have come across some insane products, such as Clive Christian, the most expensive perfume in the world, retailing for around $215,000, and Boudica’s Wode Paint that temporarily turns blue upon contact with skin and fabric. But the ten fragrances listed below take the meaning of wacky to an entirely new level.
Blood Concept
Thankfully this is not perfume made from actual blood (ew), but rather a line of unisex fragrances customised to individual blood types. Packaged in silver droppers that look like they’ve come straight from the testing lab, each of the four types has a unique scent. ‘A’ is “green, nature inspired”; ‘B’ is “woody, spicy”; ‘AB’ is “synthetic, individualist” (sounds delightful!), and; ‘O’ is “visceral, carnal”.
Demeter Fragrance Library
Take a trip through Demeter Fragrance Library and you’ll find the usual range of floral and sickly sweet fragrances common to any perfume line. There’s Lavender and Jasmine and Honeysuckle and Vanilla, all also available in soap and bath oil form. But who wants to smell like a flower when you can choose from Demeter’s extensive range of cray cray scents. There are too many on offer to name, but here are some of the best/most disturbing: Sushi, Lobster, Turpentine, Funeral Home, Play-doh, Clean Windows, Dirt, Fireplace, Laundromat, Holy Water, Mildew, Paperback Books, Pipe Tobacco, Swimming Pool, Stable, Vinyl, Cannabis Flower, Wet Garden and Between the Sheets.
Is it wrong that I want all of these?
Stilton’s Eau de Stilton
In 2007 the Stilton Cheesemakers Association commissioned an aromatics company to create a fragrance based on the stinky, delicious cheese variety. Said Nigel White of the SCA: “Blue Stilton cheese has a very distinctive, mellow aroma and our perfumier was able to capture the key essence of that scent and recreate it in what is an unusual but highly wearable perfume. Not entirely surprisingly, this product has since been discontinued.
Cheese is for eating, people. Don’t fuck with nature.
Comme des Garcons’ Garage
Those wacky kids at Comme des Garcons cease to amuse me. Everything they do – under the wise and wacky tutelage of living legend Rei Kawakubo – turns to awesome, and their London concept store Dover Street Market is without doubt my favourite shop in the whole wide world. No matter what they do, even if it’s not always to my taste, I covet the fuck out of it regardless. And the label’s unisex perfume range is no exception. Available in fragrances such as Sherbet: Rhubarb and Tar, my personal favourite has to be Garage, unfortunately now discontinued. With notes of laurel aldehyde, traces of kerosene, leather notes and vetiver acetate, this is a manly fragrance for manly men who are manly. Also, for women.
By Killian’s Les Liaisons Dangereuses
Ever wished you could smell like that orgy you went to that time? Well, now you can! Described by perfumer Killian Hennessy as evoking the scent of “bodies slick with sweat, hot with the odours of sexual favours”, Les Liaisons Dangereuses is the easiest and safest way to smell like Charlie Sheen every day.
L’Artisan Parfumeur’s Dzing!
L’Artisan Parfumer is another perfumier creating crazy fragrances for the adventurous consumer. Available in five scent categories – Floral, Woody, Spicy, Oriental and Citrus – the range includes wonderfully evocative fragrances such as Fou d’Absinthe, Mimosa pour Moi and Timbuktu. But it is Dzing!, a perfume created to embody the magic and excitement of the circus, that has me all a-wanty.
CB I Hate Perfume’s In the Library
CB I Hate Perfumes is a very cool fragrance brand creating very cool fragrances in very cool Brooklyn, NY for very cool people. I went to their very cool store once but I am really not very cool and thus the very cool staff was very mean to me. Bitter much?
Anyway, regardless of my many emotions about their poor retail experience, CB’s fragrances are still pretty awesome. The pick of the bunch is definitely In the Library, meant to evoke the sensation of being surrounded by books and weirdos.
Vulva Original’s Vaginal Scent
This is a perfume that smells like vagina. A PERFUME that smells like VAGINA.
What I want to know is who’s va-j-j does it smell like and at what stage of the bathing cycle said person was at when their “vaginal scent” was captured for bottling. I would also like to know why. Seriously, why?
My DNA Fragrance
It was only a matter of time really. Described as a “health conscious miracle” (I didn’t realise perfume was unhealthy), My DNA Fragrance perfumes are individually custom designed to your unique genetic code. Simply send in a Swab Kit and wait for the magic/science to be delivered.
Burger King’s Flame
Arguably the burger mega-chain’s funniest marketing gimmick since
Subservient Chicken, Flame is described in promotional material as possessing “the scent of seduction with the hint of flame-broiled meat”. FUCK YEAH BROILED MEAT!
Sadly the product has been discontinued, but you can still find the occasional meaty bottle on eBay.