A few weeks back I wrote a guide to the weirdest perfumes ever to grace the market. This included delightful sounding scents such as Eau de Stilton Cheese and Garage, plus my personal favourite, Vaginal Scent.

Continuing on this fascinating and highly intellectual theme, this week I bring you a guide to the most awesome, bizarre or ill-advised celebrity fragrances – or fragrance endorsements - that have ever been bottled and sold. 

Carlos Santana by Carlos Santana (for Women)

While I fully support, nay encourage, those members of the male population who wish to smell like aging rock stars, I feel a resounding sense of WTF for anyone with a vagina who wants the same. I mean look at him, ladies:


If your first thought is, “Hot damn, I’d like to smell like that man”, consult your doctor. 

Danielle Steel’s Danielle

I’ve always wanted to write romance novels. I imagine I’d be really good at it too. I can think of at least five synonyms for ‘throbbing’ – just off the top of my head – and I am heaps into men named Chad. So if anybody knows anyone at Mills and Boon, hook a sister up, okay?


Somebody who already writes romance novels (nice segue, huh?) is Danielle Steel. I’ve never read any of her novels – or any romance novels to be honest – but I did see a movie once based on one of her books. It was called ‘Star’ and it was terrible and I loved it. Here is an emotional black and white tribute video to the film’s lead actress, Jennie ‘Kelly Taylor’ Garth, that some legend put on YouTube:



Anyway, I guess it’s not that weird that a super successful romance novelist has an eponymous fragrance, I just wish it were called something better like “Pulsating Loins” or “ Tumescent Member”. 

Diddy/P-Diddy/Puff Daddy’s Sean John: Unforgivable Woman

I honestly don’t know where to start with this one. Everything about it is just wrong. The concept is wrong; the name is wrong; the ugly bottle is wrong; the fact that when I hear the words “unforgivable woman” the first person I think of is Margaret Thatcher is wrong; and the off-centre, slightly rapey print ads for it are wrong.

WRONG WRONG WRONG!

Lindsay Lohan for FCUK

Earlier this year the professional train wreck was announced as the new face of FCUK fragrances. Yup, that seems like a good idea. Imagine all the future in-court branding opportunities:



Iggy Pop for Pacco Rabanne 

I love Iggy Pop. I’d let him be my dog any day of the week and even twice on Sundays. And though I’ve never been a fan of Paco Rabanne’s particular brand of crazy, I offer a resounding FUCK YEAH to the choice of ambassador for the brand’s Black XS L’Excès fragrance line. LOOK AT HIM:



Alan Cumming’s Cumming and 2nd (Alan) Cumming

Produced in collaboration with New York perfumer CB I Hate Perfume, the two fragrances from the wonderfully cheeky Scottish actor seem to poke fun at both the perfume industry and the celebrity endorsement machine. Having achieved cult status with Cumming, a second scent was quickly created because clearly Cumming once is never enough. 

Click here to watch a brilliant TV commercial for Cumming. It was produced by Joe Mantegna, which will be of interest to any pop culture nerds reading this. Holla. 

Grabman by Randy Moss

Randy Moss is a retired American football player, formerly of the Minnesota Vikings and New England Patriots. I had never heard of him prior to researching this column, which is not surprising considering I am allergic to sport and all things sport-related. 

Grabman is included on this prestigious list because a) IT IS CALLED GRABMAN! And, b) Moss was once accused of “dating violence…causing serious injury”. He was never charged or convicted, and thus deserves the benefit of the doubt, plus the alleged incident happened well after the launch of the men’s cologne. But perhaps a relaunch of the product with a different name would be advisable. 

Rihanna’s Reb’l Fleur

I have so many emotions about Rihanna’s ill-spelled signature scent and its associated advertising campaign I am struggling to put them into coherent sentences. This is what’s currently happening inside my head:


“WHY IS IT SPELLED LIKE THAT? IS THAT A JAMAICAN THING? WAIT IS THAT RACIST? IT MIGHT BE RACIST! WHAT’S WITH THE 80S GLAMOUR PHOTOGRAPHY? HER LEGS LOOK WRONG! FUCK YEAH VASELINE LENS! RIHANNA SO PRETTY! I REALLY LIKE HER HAIR THAT COLOUR! COULD I PULL THAT COLOUR OFF? IS THE SEX FACE REALLY NECESSARY? I WISH I OWNED A ROBE! I’M HUNGRY!”


Really my main problem here is with the spelling of the fragrance’s name. It doesn’t make any sense. Apparently the singer’s grandmother gave her the moniker Rebelle Fleur, which sort of translates to Rebel Flower (it should really be Fleur Rebelle). RiRi even has a tattoo of the nickname on her neck. But why the abbreviation? Why the unnecessary apostrophe? I realise the youth are hell bent on ruining the mother tongue, but must we encourage them?

Donald Trump’s Donald Trump

I imagine Donald Trump smells like Capitalism and bad toupees. So if his fragrance line is anything to go by, Capitalism and bad toupees apparently smell quite citrusy with hints of basil, mint and pure evil. 

L’eau de Geordie

Launched just a few weeks ago, the cast of the UK reality TV show present the world’s first kebab-scented perfume.


Kebab. Scented. Perfume.


If anybody needs me I’ll be banging my head against a wall.