There are certain things I feel naked without. Obviously clothing is one of them. Other items include a decent amount of rings on both hands, a giant handbag and traces of last night’s mascara. And the last thing is nail polish. The little orphan Annie may have never been fully dressed without a smile, but I feel butt nude without a full set of coloured cuticles on both my fingers and my toes. It’s a hard knock life.
Luckily for me there are now cheap and cheerful nail salons on almost every corner in Sydney to coddle my narcissistic needs. They are the convenience stores of the naughties, the Thai restaurants of the new millennium. What used to be the sole domain of expensive beauty parlours and therefore mostly older, wealthier women is now available to the masses. Whether you like your nails short, long, French, clear, square, round, acrylic or transfers, you don’t have to look far for a salon to suit your needs. Plus most nail salons now offer waxing and spray tans so you can leave not only polished but tanned and hairless as well. BONUS!
Like many women - and an increasing number of men - I LOVE getting my nails done. In fact few activities please me more of a weekend afternoon than going for a mani/pedi either on my own or with a girlfriend. Only long brunches and yoga classes can bring me equal joy. I know, I know, I’m a ‘Carrie’ necklace and an STD away from being on Sex and the City. But who can deny the unadulterated bliss of having one’s paws pampered whilst being sexually assaulted by an overly aggressive massage chair? I certainly can’t.
There is one part of the mani/pedi experience however that I find less than enjoyable, sometimes even downright panic-worthy. Everyone who has ever had their nails done knows that the very moment you walk into a salon and ask for a manicure and/or pedicure, a voice will bellow at you “CHOOSE COLOUR” and gesture violently towards a seemingly endless display of nail polish hues. And for someone who can spend up to an hour each morning deciding which earrings to wear in her usually covered-by-hair ears, choosing a nail colour can be an unreasonably daunting task. I’m really not very good at making decisions. Don’t ever order takeaway food with me.
An example of the thought process/mental breakdown I go through every time I get my nails done: “Do I want a light, summer colour to contrast my mostly black wardrobe? Or should I stick with dark tones? Do I want matching fingers and toenails like an 80s power woman? Or should I wear clashing colours like I always do? What am I wearing tonight? What will go most with my new dress? Why do I care so much about this? Is anybody but me even going to notice? Is there one person whose job it is to name nail polish colours? I’d be good at that job. I’m going to look into it. How cool would that be? I’m hungry. What should I have for lunch?”
Once the brain aneurism has subsided, I almost inevitably end up with the same boring colour on my toenails every time (OPI’S ‘Lincoln Park After Dark’), and alternating between a few shades for my fingers for months at a time. My current favourites are OPI’s ‘Royal Rajah Ruby’, Essie’s ‘Lilacism’ and ‘Chinchilly’, and Chanel’s ‘Blue Satin’. But I feel the onset of spring will lead to a whole new mindfuck of colour choices in the salons I frequent. I need a Valium and a tequila shot just thinking about it.
Life is tough. Thanks for listening.