So recently I received an email from a reader named John.

"Hi Ritchie,
I’m 13 years old and really really impressionable. Recently I traded up from my razor scooter to a fixie 'cause the breakfast cartoon channel told me it was cool. I was wondering if there were certain outfits I could wear so I wont feel like I have a small penis when riding it.
Yours truly,
John"

Well John, welcome to the trend of the millennium. Don’t worry about your penis, now that your riding a fixed gear bike you definitely wont need it. The fixie seems to be the ultimate accessory for hipsters/scenesters nationwide, but predominantly found in Fixedroy, Melbourne and Spokey Hills, Sydney.

Begin with a riders cap, generally they have short brims and will sometimes have decorative rainbows (not unlike the gay rainbow) on them or bike company logos or sponsor's logos. Even if you've never watched a bike race before it will show your peers that you're down. You get extra points if you match the colour of your cap with a part of your bike, like the rims or something.

There are plenty of clothing labels that are cashing in on the fixed gear phenom using imagery associated with fixies or merely fixies themselves on tees. Steer clear of this - only the fresh noobs with stock bikes buy fixie tees. Instead wear whatever tee you usually wear unless it’s really shit and wear a rider's jersey underneath, and make sure it’s a ¾ sleeve so the other riders can see your wearing it.

Bottoms must consist of either cut off Dickies or rolled/cut up denim. This way the pants will not get caught in the chain, and the wind wont ride up your pants making your penis any smaller.

Once you have the last two points in check don’t forget to get some tattoos- this is very important- and place them on your forearms and lower legs so that other people can see you have tattoos. Here's a guide I prepared earlier.

Now that we've got that sorted time to get down with the accessories. Thick rimmed glasses are very important, not only to protect your fragile eyes from the harsh, harsh wind but also just incase pensioners spit at your pathetic existence.  Single sling messenger bags - the bigger the better, even if you're carrying nothing, at least rock a 45L bag. If you really want, you can carry extra rims and seats with you just in case your bike set up needs some handy repairs. Carry a D-Lock in your belt at the back, Kryptonite is the brand of choice because of the fluro orange bar. Kids will know you're not fucking around if you have a $200 lock so won't even try stealing your bike.

Last but not least: sneakers. Vans and Adidas are the only acceptable sceney models. Vans have released a few fixie specific pairs but go for the old school single colours to show the peeps you don’t fall for that trendy shit, and Adidas Sambas, cause they got the heel protection you know, just in case your pedal might touch your ankle.

Don’ts ?

Wear a helmet. OK so maybe in Australia it’s against the law to not wear a helmet, but they are fucking ugly. I have never ever, ever come across a helmet that has said 'yep I'm a decent shape, you can wear me without looking like a fuckwit'. Helmets are the worst fashion accessory ever. The second thing against the fixie laws are brakes. Just let your superior braking skills make your bike stop, eventually your knees will give way but that’s OK, it's all in the name of being awesome when you're young, right ?