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My Kitchen Rules - Recap, Week 4

My Kitchen Recaps! I was sick on Friday so I couldn’t recap Week 4 of MKR and I’m sorry for that but sometimes life, specifically the brutal 48-hour life of the virus that attacked me, gets in the way and all you can do is hold on.

It was another eventful week, full of disappointing food and disappointing people. Can you recall last Sunday, when Lisa and Candice were still in the competition and none of us knew that Jenna was a grizzling baby whose kitchen strategy was to bumble around, weeping openly and destroying dishes with childlike abandon? Can you remember that? Can you remember when “The Gatecrashers” were just a concept, an IDEA, rather than a real, living, cooking, arguing group of walking gimmicks? It was an innocent time and now it is gone and I’m sorry!

Let’s not waste a lot of time dwelling on old news: Jenna and Joanna called their instant restaurant “J’Adore Pink” (French for “I Adore Pink”) and were not eliminated. Lisa and Candice were! Excellent news! The bottom three teams - Ali & Samuel, Lisa & Stefano and Dan & Steph - were sent to a third instant restaurant round with three teams of Gatecrashers: “Best Friends” Ashlee & Sophia, “Food Nerds” Kieran & Nastassia and “Real Housewives” Angela & Melina. (As usual, the producers of My Kitchen Rules have perfectly shredded the nature of the teams’ relationships down into a single vague and vaguely racist phrase. “Real Housewives”! Like the Italian women in that other show!)

No one cooked anything good. Kieran and Nastassia reminded us that the nice teams aren’t always the good at cooking teams by skillfully turning a promising menu into a drawn-out clusterfuck of disappointment that placed them at the bottom of the leaderboard. Ashlee & Sophia became Example #2 in the case put forth by some that MKR is a racist show for racists because they’re the only other team of non-white people in the competition and they are, like Jessie & Biswa before them, the villains. That’s where we are! Let’s talk about Week 5, Day 1!

It’s a special episode. We know that going in, thanks to TV spots run way too fucking frequently by Channel 7 since last week which strongly hint that this is the episode when the tension between Ashlee & Sophia and Angela & Melina comes to a head. We return to Tasmania, to Ali & Samuel’s Instant Restaurant WNELN: 

Ah, WNELN. From the book by Lws Crol. The teams arrive and are greeted at the door in a friendly and appropriate manner -- HOLD UP. WHAT IS THIS?

Enhance.

Enhance.

It’s a confirmed lip-kiss. Repeat, we’ve got a lip-kiss. Lips getting kissed at 12 o’clock.

Tonight, Ali & Samuel’s menu has a South American theme, which seems slightly more appropriate than last time when they cooked Thai food in their Wonderland-themed restaurant. Famously, Lewis Carroll was maybe on drugs when he wrote Alice In Wonderland and a lot of drugs come from South America! Will Ali & Samuel incorporate any elements of Victorian medicine into their cooking? A piece of beef with a heroin reduction & hash salad? Crack-glazed spuds? Pork loin cooked in opium, the milk of Xanadu; the wondrous tonic that excited Coleridge’s poet soul? It’s certainly not the case for their entree, a dish of Pink Ling & Abalone Ceviche.

Not a single drug. The judges love it. “I loved all of it”, Manu says. Angela thinks it’s the best entree of the competition. Ashlee thinks it’s quite average. Ali & Samuel return to the kitchen and allow them to insult each other undistracted. “You’re being rude. Can you explain why?” Angela asks Sophia. “You’ve got personality disorder,” she continues. She had the answer all along! Classic.

(At this point, let’s remind ourselves that all of these people are just dancing the reality TV dance and playing up the most awful aspects of their personalities in an attempt to “be famous” or probably just “appease the producers”. Sure. None of it is real, OBVIOUSLY, and it is about as unnecessary and knee-jerky to accuse My Kitchen Rules of racism as it is to accuse any of these people of being genuinely loathsome. But I will say this: I was hoping for better from Ashlee & Sophia! If you want to be smart & funny & mean in a reality show you can do that and people will still like you. It’s possible! And EASY! All you have to do is be fair as well as rude! If you’re rude and begrudging all the time it is very difficult for anyone to care about you, even if you have moments of terrific comic timing and intelligence (which Ashlee & Sophia do). This is the end of this stupidly long parentheses!)

Lisa weighs in with some bullshit about how she’s nervous about going to Ashlee & Sophia’s instant restaurant and it’s over. (The horrifying awkwardness is not over.)

Ali & Samuel’s main comes out. It’s a Beef Fillet With Cacao and Chilli Harissa and Broad Bean Salad and it looks pretty good!

 

“I’m going to get straight to the point,” Pete says. “This is amazing.” Samuel wells up. Everybody loves it. Very popular. Whatever. As the teams and the judges have a stupid conversation about whether you should mix chocolate and avocado in a dipping sauce (ANSWER: OBVIOUSLY, MORONS, IT’S A NO-BRAINER) and What Are Churros (what the fuck) Ali & Samuel are preparing their dessert. For the first time tonight it seems that control may have slipped from their grasp: Samuel can’t cook the churros properly and the dipping sauce is solidifying! Just as all seems lost, it turns out fine, actually? No problems at all. It’s perfect. Great job. You guys did a great job.

The guest teams hand them a score of 33, but the judges dish out three 9s and two 10s, landing them a total score of 88 and crushing another opportunity for Kieran and Nastassia to not come last. Sheeeeeit.

 

TONIGHT: Lisa is uptight. Stefano is a rascal! Can’t wait to see what japes this delightful rascal cooks up!

Max Lavergne

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    Wednesday 27 Feb 2013 - 10:51 PM
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