My Kitchen Rules - Recap, Week 3

It’s been a long week on My Kitchen Rules. Five regular Earth days, PERHAPS. But putting it in terms of “days” just ignores more important milestones: stuff which has happened on the internet! The milestones by which we mark our passage through this horrid world!

Think of the things have happened since the first time Sam said “bingo bango” on national TV and Chris was just OK with that, I guess: The Pope resigned! Gotye won a Grammy! Marco Rubio drank some water in an animated .gif! Last Sunday night is an eternity ago. We were so young and naive. We didn’t even know Lisa and Candice were horrible! (We probably knew.)

Let’s have a talk about what happened: On Sunday night Sam and Chris hung up a bunch of “street art” and called their restaurant “Food Alley” (because MELBOURNE, LOL. Cafe culture. Smallbarstrams.) and also served a bunch of food that was as garbage as the actual garbage you might find in a garbage bin in an alleyway. Conceptually unified but low-scoring, that was the Sam and Chris story. They scored 64 points. The story is over.

On Monday night we got the privilege of meeting Lisa and Candice in the residence where they spend most of their time being weirdos. Wow. These two! Please spare a thought for ME having to describe Lisa and Candice, because if you haven’t seen this episode of My Kitchen Rules, then there is almost no way I can adequately describe to you all of the ways Lisa and Candice are strange and mean, and if you HAVE seen it then you know that my pathetic words can never do them justice. Their one-line bio describes them as “Former Beauty Queens”, but the truth of the situation is that they were both once Miss Busselton. Which in the Beauty Aristocracy certainly seems more like a Beauty Baroness, maybe, if it’s even considered nobility. There’s a very good montage of Lisa and Candice at their day jobs as singing teacher and dance teacher, respectively, and if you missed this episode of My Kitchen Rules please simply re-watch all of the Mr G bits of Summer Heights High. Very easy. You’re welcome.

Anyway, Candice takes a break to read Cainer (because she considers herself “a bit of an astrologer”) and then they dress up their instant restaurant in the most ridiculous green and purple trash imaginable and call it a “funky” “New York” “nightclub scene” and name it “Delish” because they’re “hip & funky” and stick some mannequins in the corner and then that is it they’re done. What? I have been to New York City (#humblebrag) and it looked a little different, that’s all I’m gonna say. Are they trying to recreate a New York nightclub from an eighties cartoon, or something? Is this all an elaborate Who Framed Roger Rabbit? cosplay? I am very confused!

Eventually the food happens. Everyone loves their Seafood Casserole entree but hates their main course of Pork with Pancetta Crackle, Vegetable Medley, Onion Purée, Brandy Jus and a Cider Jelly Shot and also their Pumpkin Pie dessert. They cop a final score of 57. It’d be very easy to say something like “don’t give up your day job”, except frankly Lisa and Candice should think about giving up their day jobs. Because if the flamenco song & dance they performed between entree & main is anything to go by they are not particularly good at their day jobs. Quit everything! Change careers! Do not pursue cooking!

Tuesday night saw Tasmanians Ali and Samuel cook up some a) average food and b) decent opportunities for people to make jokes about Tasmanians being inbred or something? Samuel is Ali’s ex-husband’s friend and he calls her “mum” sometimes and she tells him he’s acting like her child. Cool. Whatever. That’s not even inbred, it’s just a little weird, but what else do you need from people on a reality show, I guess. These guys end up being kind of a mess! They call their instant restaurant “Wonderland” and serve a heap of average Thai food which no one seems to care about. They use green curry paste from a jar because, according to Samuel, creating a good curry paste takes a couple of days MINIMUM? You know, I am only an average home cook who has never tried my hand at the flavours of Southeast Asia but I am pretty sure that is just not true! I imagine you could get it done in one day. Or, I don’t know, half an hour. Thirty minutes! That seems like a reasonable amount of time to make a curry paste!

Eventually, they score higher than Lisa and Candice so whooooooooo cares.

Obviously, the breakout successes of the week are Sydney personal trainers Luke & Scott, who are somehow ridiculously nice & friendly people and good mates and also very good at cooking. Everyone loves their food. It is DISGUSTING how much everyone fawns over their frankly delicious-looking food! “I have gone to heaven” is what one guy says about the Zesty Prawn Salad. The Twice Cooked Spatchcock is slightly overcooked, but certainly not enough to stop Jenna from crying and mumbling "I just love food so much", for some reason. Pete calls their Spelt, Berry & Macaroon Tart “simple but exciting”. They love it! Except for Lisa and Candice, who grumble about idiot things like Candice’s lemon wedge falling over and the tart being too much like a muesli bar. It’s almost funny how they’ve invested so heavily in the competition aspect of this TV competition and not at all in the TV aspect, which is the aspect from which the whole country will think they’re mean & petty whingers. Almost funny! But more sad for them, I guess.

Finally - FINALLY - Dan & Steph from Hervey Bay finish the week. “I want to open up a sausage shop that specialises in sausages” is one thing we learn from Dan. A lot of synergy between those two concepts, for sure. “I’m a tradie, she’s my lady” is another thing. They cook a lot of very cooking show food, I guess? Like confit salmon, which they admit to never having cooked before. Which is fine! Good on them for stepping outside their comfort zone etc. and cooking a fancy piece of fish in a very complicated and impractical way. Everyone loves it. They win that round! They also cook cherry cola braised pork, which is problematic twice, firstly because they cook the wrong kind of pork, apparently, and secondly because Dr Pepper is not cherry cola, YOU GUYS, but a complex blend of 23 secret flavours, ha ha. Drink it slow  - Dr’s orders. These people might know how to cook food but I know high-fructose corn syrup-based sodas!! (Still good knowledge! Almost as good!)

Unfortunately for them their main course sucks and so does their dessert. Unfortunately for US they serve drinks in pineapples and we have to look at this:

Very fucked up. No dang good. At long last they’re awarded a score of 58, which is still one point better than Lisa and Candice.


Next episode: they are gone forever, hopefully!! Please!

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