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Big Brother recap - Day 14

This episode begins with your friend and mine, Sonia Kruger, back onstage at Dreamworld. It’s nice to have this weekly opportunity to check in with our friend! As a person who does not watch her morning show with David Campbell on Channel 9 (because I don’t hate myself ha ha ha) I sometimes feel as though I’m missing out on what’s going on in Sonia’s life and also what it would look like if androids were real and living among us and presenting TV shows. It is so remarkable how she wears shiny clothes and is barely able to maintain the illusion that she knows how to interact with people. Absolutely. We are informed that voting to save the three nominated housemates - Layla, Charne and Estelle - has not yet closed, in case there are any teens out there whose mobile phone credit is burning a hole in their jorts. We are also informed that one housemate has scored 49% of the vote, another has scored 27% and the third has scored 24%. Excellent. It’s helpful to get the statistical breakdown on stuff like this, especially when we don’t know who scored what. With stats like that we can draw some important inferences! Like that people scored numbers and that the numbers were different and some were higher and some were lower!

The absolute next thing that happens is a montage of all the shitty, dumb stuff that has happened on Big Brother in the last week. Here is some of that action right here:


Love these HMs. Love Big Brother. Sonia gets right down to business with the news that Benjamin has inspired an online following who call themselves either “Benjamites” or “Fanjamins”. It’s crazy that this show has only been running for two weeks and ALREADY one of the housemates has an online following and ALREADY a schism has developed in that online following over what to call themselves? Hope things don’t get too ugly between the Benjamites and the Fanjamins. Hope this doesn’t end in a Fanjamin nailing a thesis to the door of the Big Brother house or a series of crusades lasting hundreds of years that are characterised by bloodshed and extreme cruelty. I VERY hope that doesn’t happen!

There’s a little bit more padding before the real shit begins. Ryan gets a birthday party, wears a suit with the shirt unbuttoned, is a douchelord. This is a picture that happens:

Perfect, as usual. So perfect. Layla and George make out under a doona. Benjamin gives Bradley a talking to for being mean to people and being true to himself, or something. Whatever. Then it is time for the dudes to match the ladies with their secrets and either succeed and be safe from eviction or fail and be nominated!

Big Brother explains that because George and Ryan asked Charne and Estelle direct questions about their secrets they lose one life. The life is Bradley’s. He is taken to a special execution room and shot with a special Big Brother gun. So sad. RIP Bradley. (j/k it just means they have only three “lives”, or chances, to expend trying to correctly guess who’s secret is who’s! Just as interesting as the other thing!) George is the first to guess. He asks Charne if she is the housemate who has OCD. She is! That is her! Very surprising! Everyone applauds. Not sure if they’re applauding George’s correct guess or the disability which has alienated Charne from her housemates. (Possibly both??)

 

Next, Ray guesses that Stacey is the former hand model. She is the former hand model. My only frame of reference for hand models is the movie Zoolander and I, like every contributor to TheVine, took an oath a very long time ago that I would never make any kind of jokey reference to Zoolander, so it’s probably best if we move on before I get fired.

Guess guess guess! Benjamin guesses that Sarah was a high school drop-out, but she wasn’t. Estelle was. Obviously! It does NOT take a genius to notice that she clearly missed out on 2 Unit Stop Wearing That Fucking Hat All The Time and Extension How Not To Be An Insufferably Pompous Idiot.

Stay in school, kids! Michael guesses that Sarah once protested nude and he is correct. Ryan guesses that Layla used to be an emo and he is incorrect. His second guess is Zoe. It was her! Wow! “An emo is an emotionally unstable person,” she says. Ha ha wait w-what? Zoe? “I was into the emo bands and skintight jeans with the black t-shirt. I realised there were more important things in life than feeling sorry for myself.” Perfect. I hate to get involved in the (very) boring question of What Is Emo Anyway but if you hold the opinion that “an emo is an emotionally unstable person”, were you ever even an emo at all? Because I think that one thing that everyone who self-identifies as emo can agree on is that the term does NOT mean “an emotionally unstable person.” But whatever! This is Big Brother, not a smart, cool, factually accurate show so who cares.

There is one life left for the dudes and one question and that question is “Is Angie the former champion weightlifter and Layla the descendant of royalty or vice versa?” That is the question.

Bradley guesses that Angie is royal and Layla is the former weightlifter. Haha. No, Bradley. The bogan tomboy is not a descendant of royalty. The dumb British beautician is not a former weightlifter. It’s the other way round, bro. Of course it is. Sorry. They’re out of lives! They die! The floor of the lounge room runs crimson with their blood! Also they are all up for nomination tomorrow night and the girls are not!

The final order of business in this long and structurally confused episode is revealing who has been evicted by the Australian Public. It is not Layla! Layla received the most votes to be saved. It’s between Estelle and Charne. Very compelling reasons to evict both! Charne is a nightmarishly awkward rockabilly enthusiast (GROSS). Estelle is pictured below:

I can’t explain it more eloquently than that. Charne is eliminated! Boom and gone. The housemates escort her to the door and then start hysterically singing “CHARNE! CHARNE! EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE OK!” Jesus. She goes to visit all of our best friend Sonia Kruger and those two are a clusterfuck of utter tedium and they show a montage of the Top 3 Charne Moments in the house as voted by we the people and those moments are when she played the trumpet at Bradley’s birthday, when she failed the secrets challenge and when she told Michael to not hug her.


“My favourite thing about Charne is when she failed at that thing. What do you mean “what thing”. Get out of my face, I’m eating chickens.” - the people who voted in this poll. A hell of a top 3! “I'm such an extraordinarily busy person. It’s incredibly hard,” she tells Sonia, and then she is gone forever. Thank heck for that. See you next week!

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