MUSIC! It's meant to soothe the soul, and/or get your nether regions all moist. If you're somewhat out of the loop as to what is deemed 'music', and you think you're an artist, you might attempt to make your own music video. This rarely pans out well. Would you like to see what happens when sad, sad people with big sweaty dreams decide to MAKE IT HAPPEN? Of course you would. I trust you've prepared your largest prophylactic.

10 . 'Our Freedom's Fadin' Fast' - Mike Diamond



There's nothing quite as titillating as watching a redneck croon for his country. Mike Diamond, whose name alone should give you six boners, is singing about how the country has gone to hell. The greenscreen work is worth mentioning, mostly because it's unbelievably shit. I hope you're feeling ok, because we have nine more to go. And they only get worse.

9. 'Shake Ya Caboose' - Pimp Tea



I first encountered Pimp Tea when I saw a live performance he did on community television. It was very, very bad, and I remember thinking as I was being rushed to the hospital, 'holy shit. I think I may have burst a lung out of pure hatred for that platinum grade bullshit'. It's about as far from the elegant wordsmitherry of Mos Def or Q-Tip as you can get. Having said that, it's still better than Muse.

8. Flea Market Montgomery



This bad boy has been lingering for years now. Several friends of mine insisted I watch this the first night I hung out with them properly, and it may have caused permanent damage. It's brilliant when people who run mattress warehouses/discount furniture depots/abortion clinics think they can wrangle extra customers by simply unleashing their inner performer. It's also nauseating.

7. 'Losing You' - Jan Terri

 

Jan Terri sucks but her persistence is commendable. If I could give her a reward for her dogged pursuit of a career in music, I would give her the JAVELIN THROUGH THE SOLAR PLEXUS AWARD. She's awful and needs to be hidden in a cave. Great hair, though.

6. 'America We Stand As One' - Dennis Madalone

 

Madalone! It's like abalone, only BETTER. This is the second fetid hunk of patriotic bullshit I've included in this list, but in my defence, they do make it easy. It's a wee bit like shooting fish in a barrel which has no water and only fish in it. Also, the barrel is the barrel of an actual giant revolver. Keep an eye out for Madalone's stunning use of evocative 9/11 imagery. Also, keep an eye out for his sweet junk.

5. 'Lovers Lament' - Fred and Sharon

 

This is what Walk The Line would have been like if it had been strategically drained of all talent and charisma. It's always sweet when a couple decide to express themselves creatively as a group entity (See: Johnny Cash and June Carter), but it's a horrific ordeal when they insist on pumping out music in the face of an overwhelming lack of talent or personality (See: Bono and The Edge). I hope you enjoy this touching prison parable.

4. 'Pancaked' - Obelisk and MC Cat Genius

 

Obelisk and MC Cat Genius are a special breed of awful - the self aware kind. They've managed to craft a crunchy sheen of horror and amateurism whilst being totally aware of how much they suck. This doesn't make it any less painful, but it does make it more awesome.

3. 'Chill In My Vein' - Lori Watts

 

For about an hour, I had this on a loop, unable to discern whether or not it was a legit piece of crap homemade music video goodness. I landed of the side of it being a genuine attempt at artful lamenting, which all of a sudden made it 100% better; I mean, look at her! She's so earnest! The production values are nil, she has all the charm of a wet hat, AND she's… aaaaand I appear to have burst a blood vessel. Great.

2. 'Why Must I Cry' - Reh Dogg

 

Numbers one and two in this top ten are neck and neck. This track by Reh Dogg is worse in many ways, in that not only is Dogg (a) utterly devoid of talent, and (b) clearly a sex offender with golden fangs. But it lacks the ethereal creepiness of number one. For bonus points, try and maintain an erection throughout this entire track. Go on, I dare you.

1. 'Little Wings' - Mark Gormley

 

If I ever saw Mark Gormley in the street, I would kiss him hard on his man mouth. If you've not seen this video before, you're in for something of a treat. Granted, it isn't horrifically awful, but it is unsettling, especially if you spend the entire time watching his body language. See those legs? Watch them tremble and shift nervously as he twitters like a chubby moustachioed herron. What have we learned here? That music is for winners. But losers can do it too! And when they do, internal injuries happen.