There are many good things about being a man. Certain grooming concessions. The extra money. The ability to prise open even the most recalcitrant of jam lids. But surely the most striking benefit, at least in Hollywood terms, is the potential for a guy to look like a tub of dropped lard and yet still be cast as the romantic opposite to any number of stunning young and not so young women.
So, this list: a tribute to those brave men who have refused to let unfortunate genetic heritage, poor hygiene practices and excess body hair get in the way of their bedding the most attractive women that cinema has to offer.
10. Willem Dafoe
He’s just so... angular. Broad and angular, like a set of Art Deco drawers.
9. Gerard Depardieu
He once played Obelix in two separate live action versions of Asterix and Obelix. I think, as a general rule, someone who has the capacity to play Obelix should probably not be able to also play romantic leads. I presume he gets away with it because he’s French. I mean, I’m sure you can get away with a lot of things with an accent like that.
But seriously, Monica Belucci?
8. Rob Schneider
For a man whose forehead appears to be trying to secede from the rest of his face, it’s quite remarkable that Rob Schneider has made not one, but two separate films about women paying him for sex.
7. Seth Rogen
He must have a great personality.
6. Ricky Gervais
Brilliant comedian and writer as he may be, I’ve seen little to suggest that in person Ricky Gervais is all that much more appealing than David Brent himself. In a word: porcine.
5. Jack Black
While we may well disagree on the merits of Jack Black as a comic actor (I, for one, find his antics as endearing as snot), I’m sure we can all agree on the fact that the ever so lovely Kate Winslet really didn’t deserve to have to shack up with him in
The Holiday. I mean, look at him. He looks like the mascot for a brand of whipped cream.
4. Steve Buscemi
I’m sure I’m not alone when I say I find it endlessly remarkable that Steve Buscemi has managed to make the transition from nutty fringe character to sexually viable protagonist. With Sarah Silverman.
3. Philip Seymour Hoffman
Philip Seymour Hoffman could well be one of the most accomplished actors of his generation, but my God this movie would never have been made if he looked like that but had a vagina.
2. Woody Allen
From the moment a 42 year old Woody Allen - diminutive, jittery and gormless - cast himself opposite Diane Keaton in
Annie Hall, his presence on the upper end of this list has been guaranteed. Seeming to view his entire career as a salve for his own feelings of insecurity, Allen has truly lived out the maxim “I get older but they stay the same age”. Here he is in
The Curse of the Jade Scorpion, at the age of 66, rejecting a perfectly lovely woman who for some undisclosed reason actually wants to sleep with him.
1. Tommy Wiseau
I just don’t know what’s going on with Tommy Wiseau’s skin. It’s stretched too taut, like someone has draped an array of cured meats over a stack of coat hangers. That or he’s actually an
Uruk-Hai. Well, at least the man can act, right?... Right?