If there is one thing a lot of people don’t know about Japan, it’s that I have never been there. I have traveled there in my mind, eaten their biscuits and digested their films like a culturesauras. In fact, 4 of my favourite films of all time were created there: Funky Forest: The First Contact, Akira, Symbol and Tetsuo: The Iron Man. Now that bit of film dropping has established my credentials as a smug film student with internet access, we can get on with this J-Advertorial special. I expect the popularity of this article to result in a spike in sales of psychotic pizza, singing pudding, Pocari Sweat and eighties Japanese fashion.

Go on post it to Facebook. For every share, my editor has promised me an hour of sunlight and a can of Pocari Sweat.

My thanks go to Gram Morris, a four-year resident of the land of the rising sun, for his assistance in putting this list together. Without him it would have been fractionally worse. How big that fraction is, we will never know.

10. J.C.E.A.
One thing Charlie Sheen has never done is a Japanese Celebrity Endorsement Ad (JCEA). Which would make him in the minority in Hollywood as it seems everyone except from Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua has graced the tube over there (presumably for a whale’s load of cash). With contenders like John Travolta, Bruce Willis, Andy Warhol, Dennis Hopper and the 500 ones Tommy Lee Jones did, it’s pretty hard to choose the defining JCEA. But in the end I went with this one featuring Cindy Crawford as it poses a lot of questions and makes me want to be a knight. Is it a dream? Who is she fighting? Is that soft-drink dispensing rat her friend? Where’s the manufacturing base to support the production of canned drinks in this medieval fantasy world? How did a drink called “Sweat” ever get off the ground and become one of the most successful drinks in Japan?



Oh sugar, Charlie Sheen has done one and they don’t like Paris Hilton very much, so I got that one completely wrong.

9. Renown
The following is an ad for:
a. Space travel
b. Planet boyfriends
c. Bicycles
d. Cat boyfriends
e. None of the above ya dingus - it’s for “Renown Fashions”.

Not so renowned over here perhaps, but they cut up the ad breaks over in Japan from the sixties to the eighties with their surreal, proto-Mighty-Boosh visual mind-bombs.



8. Hoso Macho
“Hoso Macho” adverts have made me feel like I’m not getting enough exercise, protein and man-on-man loving. None of which I felt like I needed before. Translating to ‘Thin-Macho’, it could be the new nickname for Melbourne’s surplus of self-important, rake thin, inner city, young men who spend way too much money on ridiculous ironic jumpers and make me feel old when I wear my favourite Stussy/Rip-Curl ensemble. Yep, that’ll catch on. You read it here first. Unless you skimmed it.



7. Terrific Fire-stopper
If I were Bert Newton, I would introduce this clip with a zinger like, “Now that’s using your head!” Instead, I’m going to stare silently out the window while you watch this clip of a bloody salary man making the best of a bad situation.



6. Someone call the waaahmubulance.
Mama Shiba Jp is hugely successful brand. This is something I find confusing as the following ad, presumably for edamame, seems designed to discourage you from consuming their product. They have infused so much empathy into these poor beans, how could you possibly eat them ever again? 'Put those beans down you fucking heartless bastard', they seem to be saying.



5. Once again with feeling
It seems confusing food messages abound in Japan. The level of drama, hurt and betrayal in these 15 seconds is equivalent to snorting 100 episodes of The Bold and the Beautiful. Sure, it starts off all sweet and Miyazaki-esque, but shiz gets crazy around the 20-second mark. Bring on the waterworks my pizza friend.



That jingle is insanely catchy.

4. Father failure
Speaking of insane, this next ad manages to be hypnotically heartwarming while also completely bonkers. A violent, yet loving, father and his slightly special son show the importance, but also the pitfalls, of high standards. Something you are probably experiencing by reading this article. I’ll leave that one open to interpretation.



3. The whole gang is here Why… what big balls you have.
The following is a promotion for serviced apartments. The best way to sell serviced is a Little-Red-Riding-hood and some dancing animals. It is the secret formula as yet undiscovered by Australian developers, much to our loss I say. Wouldn’t it be great to have fewer suburban Aussies gushing about how their Delfin home completes them and fulfills their destiny as a home owner and more of this?



Yes it would.

2. Full House Otuasan - it’s Japanese for father.
The following is just one of a seemingly endless narrative about Softbank phone plans. It follows a close-knit family, consisting of two adult children living with their parents. They all have an unending interest in discussing Softbank phone plans. Oh and one of the children is black and the father is a dog –fantastically, neither of these incongruous elements are ever explicitly acknowledged.



1. Giga Pudding “Puddy, Puddy! Eat up, be happy, Giga Pudding!”
I have watched this hyperactive, photo-animated piece of jingle-genius over 20 times over the last fortnight and I still only feel half full. As for the pudding, that still looks just as unpalatable as it did on the first viewing. I will never eat that giant pudding with friends, loved ones or work colleagues. However, I will request that this song is played at my funeral next week.