Top Ten Celebrity Crotch Shots
What a wonder the human body is! Perfect in shape and form! Well, except for one particular part that seems to be rearing its ugly head in more and more comedies these days. But while no one’s going to deny for a second that seeing some guy’s junk swinging in the breeze is a sure-fire path to hilarity, it does seem a trifle unfair to typecast the male genitalia when it clearly has so much more to offer than just an opportunity to point and giggle. Hopefully then this top ten will expose you to the full force of the penis’s extensive range… wait, I didn’t mean it like that I meant acting range... Oh God just start the damn thing already.
Observe & Report
Okay, this one’s straight-out comedy. Wait, I didn’t mean “straight-out” like that. Man, this is going to be a minefield. Anyway, the, uh, climax of the film involves our somewhat unbalanced hero (Seth Rogen) hunting down the flasher who’s been menacing the local shopping mall, with said flasher’s equipment flapping away in our faces as he flees. Which kind of makes the audience at home also victims of the flasher’s perversion… which seems about right for this film?
(Sorry, this clip’s been censored. Actually, you’ll find most of these clips censored in some form or another while still managing to be largely NSFW. You’ve been warned… though really, you should have figured that out. It’s a top ten of dicks, people!)
Here we see how the penis can be used to express a character’s general messed-up-ed-ness. Clearly standing around buck-naked making that weird engine-starting-up noise only Harvey Keitel can make is not the sign of a well-adjusted man. In fact, it’s the sign of a man totally off his nut on drugs, which – if some of the more colourful stories about the making of this film are true – may have been the case when the camera stopped rolling as well. Hey, if I was getting my dick out on camera I’d want to be insanely high as well. Does this clip of him getting wasted look remotely fake to you?
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
One of the better known dick-out scenes of recent times, this one shows how the naked penis, in the right hands, can be a signifier of emotional honestly and openness. Jason Segel – who wrote the script so he knew what he was getting his groin into – plays his break-up scene as one of abject humiliation and devastation, and what better way to show all this than by letting The Man Downstairs do the bulk of the acting? Because when people see your junk, humiliation and devastation is exactly the reaction you want, amirite guys? *crickets chirp*
Is there a better way to show the world that you clearly don’t give a shit about anything anymore than by walking around with your genitals out? Of course not. Problem here is that the guy going au natural is Dr Manhattan, the world’s only super-powered individual and a being who could destroy the world just by thinking about it. So while seeing his glowing blue schlong is pretty disturbing, it’s not as disturbing as what it represents; at least with it out and about it’s a useful reminder of what he could do to the world if he felt like it.
Australia isn’t exactly a land of prudes today, but back in the 70s when Jack Thompson was the first Cleo centrefold there was a slightly more equal opportunity approach to on-screen nudity. That meant that while the women were being exploited for their sex appeal the men were at least occasionally required to drop their strides as well. These days, what have we got? The dog in Red Dog wandering around sans pants. I don’t think anyone would disagree that You and Your Stupid Mate would have been a much better film if one of the leads had been played by the other’s penis.
The Crying Game
SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT oh wait too late: just mentioning The Crying Game in this list is enough to ruin the big twist. Come to think of it, considering what a huge impact this film had it’s a little surprising there haven’t been more films with plot twists based around penises. Presumably this one did it so well that it’d be pointless trying to make a version of The Sixth Sense where the shock reveal at the end is that Bruce Willis is a penis.
Ah, the enormous fake stunt penis. Where would movies be without it? Whether it’s the nutty quasi-porn of the various Sex & Zen films (featuring a guy who has his nub replaced with a horse’s equipment and then runs amuck) or the amazingly bad Australian film Meat Pie (in which Ed Kavalee slices his junk off by having sex with a mincer and gets it replaced with a porn stars’ wang that’s so big he passes out every time he gets an erection), enormous stunt dongs can hold their heads high. But it’s the reveal of Mark Wahlberg’s vital-to-the-plot yet obviously fake superstar schlong that was the most obvious and impressive fake wiener scene of recent years… so, of course, this clip has superimposed a strip of bacon over it.
Michael Fassbender’s casual nude wander around an apartment at the start of this latest arthouse attempt to make sex seem like an onerous chore might be an attempt to stir up controversy, or just simply a way of letting the audience know that this look at sex addiction will be pulling no punches. What it isn’t, is anything shocking or new in the world of arthouse cinema, even in the English-speaking world. Just look at the careers of Ewan McGregor and Kevin Bacon – most serious movie-goers can draw their penises from memory by now. Feel free to insert your own Star Wars/ lightsabre joke about McGregor here, I’m too busy kicking myself I didn’t make a Kevin Bacon joke about that Boogie Nights bacon clip.
The all-action penis is a bit of a rarity, but the fight scene in this David Cronenberg film where Viggo Mortensen tackles a bunch of knife wielding thugs tackle out in a bathhouse isn’t one easily forgotten. Sure, on DVD you can kinda see Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wang in his first scene in the original Terminator and a nude yet carefully obscured Michael Caine herds some thugs out of his house with a shotgun in Get Carter, but here we have a guy actually fighting life-and-death with his gonads swinging wild and free. No surprise that it’s one of the most absurdly tense scenes (if you’re male) in movie history… which this sped-up clip set to the Benny Hill music expresses perfectly.
Because sometimes it’s what you don’t see that makes the biggest impression.