Top 10 weirdest awards ceremonies

Top 10 weirdest awards ceremonies

In the thick of awards season, one may mistakenly think that to earn publicly celebrated critical acclamation, you have to be some sort of entertainer. This is not true.

It is a little known fact that there are awards out there for, well, pretty much everything, and, in the spirit of superfluous ceremonies, TheVine has decided to walk you through the Top 10 Weirdest Awards Ceremonies in existence today, that, more likely than not, you’d rather go home empty handed than as a categorical dominator.  

The Golden Collar Awards 

As far as weird awards ceremonies go, it seems that every dog has their day. In the case of The Golden Collar Awards, the most prestigious pups tinseltown has to offer are celebrated in an awards ceremony with (just slightly) less tension than the Oscars. This year, Uggie, the adored (and now acclaimed!) Jack Russel terrier The Artist was named this year’s top dog. Officially: the Best Dog in a Theatrical Film. Koko as Red Dog in Red Dog dominated the Best Dog in a Foreign Film category, and Brigette as Stella in Modern Family proved to be the small-screen favourite, earning the much sought-after title of Best Dog in a Television Series. 

Bad Sex in Fiction Award

Founded in 1993 by literary critic Rhonda Koenig, and the editor of Literary Review magazine, Auberon Waugh, the annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award singles out an author who writes about lovemaking so awkwardly (and unconvincingly) that readers may be convinced the person on the other side of the pen has sexual experience akin to likening breasts to sand bags (see: The 40 Year Old Virgin). While the awards aim “to draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it” some of the nominations exist in a realm far more cringe-worthy than a Judd Apatow movie. Check out this gem:

 “Ohmygodyes,” she said and I laughed. She opened her eyes and looked up at me with curiosity and hopefulness. “Is it over, or is there more?”

“A little more," I said. "I don't know how much. I haven't been with a woman in a long time." It turned out there was quite a bit more… At the end she began to gasp. “Oh dear, oh my dear, oh my dear dear God, oh sugar!”
– Steven King’s 11/22/63


Psychic of the Year Awards

If you have been blessed with clairvoyant powers that transcend the banally bleak existences of us Muggles, you may be in the race to win a spot on the acclaimed Psychic Hall of Fame. In celebrating the 29th anniversary (there is definitely a numerological significance to that number) of the Australian Psychics Association, the country’s best psychics have been announced and awarded.

If that’s not enough to get your telepathic juices flowing, a new magazine called the 2012 Australian Psychics Directory has just been placed in newsagencies around the country, where you can find a comprehensive list of reliable readers – tarot readers, that is. 

What’s more is that all this has taken place under the sign of Aquarius. Coincidence? I think not.  

Merlin awards

Now that we’re on the esoteric side of things, it may be a good time to give a shout out to the Merlin awards, a ceremony instituted by the International Magicians Society that is to magic what the Grammy’s are to music.

As long as you meet the reasonable criteria of talent, showmanship, originality, skills, and an ability to entertain under any conditions, then the next Merlin award winner could be you! 

In fact, the winner of the prestigious Most Original Magician for 2012 has gone to Australia’s home grown Houdini, Cosentino. However, this is slightly unsurprising, given that the magical supernova is already a three-time award-winning magician in Australia and a Guinness world record contributor. Most prestigiously, Kyle Sandilands said that “he is [of] a world class standard”. You know you’ve made it big...

Ig Nobel awards

The irreverent Ig Nobel awards parody the Nobel Prize, where improbable scientific research and unlikely (and, at times, trivial) studies are awarded. Winners of previous awards include a team of medical researchers who found that decision making is impacted by the need to urinate, and an inventor who designed an alarm clock that runs away and hides when it goes off. Peace prizes have been awarded to a man who determined that illegally parked cars can be solved by flattening them with an armoured tank, while another team of modern-day Mother Theresa’s pioneered research into the activity of locusts' brain cells while watching Star Wars film clips.

Revolutionary, I know. 

Darwin awards

Survival of the fittest is a wonderful thing really, particularly when it comes to the Darwin awards, a posthumous honour-giving tribute.
The ceremony “commemorates individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives... winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term survival.”

Previous winners include a would-be robber who, when his gun failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup, peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again, only to shoot himself; a teenager who tried to muffle explosives – with his crotch; and an extremely bright individual who wanted to make fireworks display for New Years, so he opened a hand grenade with a chainsaw. 

Personally, I’m counting down to extinction. 

The Stella Awards

If you too have noticed people filing outrageous and frivolous lawsuits far too frequently (#firstworldproblems) then The Stella Awards may be of interest to you. Named after Stella Liebeck who, in 1992, spilt hot (McDonald’s) coffee over herself and was subsequently awarded $2.9 million in damages, The Stella Awards have maintained a commitment to giving these ludicrous lawsuits the attention they deserve.  

Other noteworthy cases include a woman who was awarded just under $800,000 after she broke her ankle over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store, and a man who was granted almost $15,000 after being bitten on the backside by his neighbour’s dog. Injuries are seriously the best things that have ever happened in these people’s lives. 

Most Phallic Building award

This one is pretty self-explanatory, so we’ll just leave you with a picture to ponder on...

The Foot In Mouth Award

Awarded by the British Plain English Campaign, The Foot In Mouth Award is celebrates the most “baffling comment by a public figure”. For more explanation, see below quotes by previous winners:

“I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and somebody said I was a snake, I'd think ‘No, actually I am a giraffe.'” – Richard Gere

“I love England, especially the food. There's nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta.” – Naomi Campbell

“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right.” – George W. Bush


Ernie Awards

On a less tongue-in-cheek note, The Ernie Awards bring to light the most misogynistic comments made in Australia. Named after former Australian Workers Union secretary, Ernie Ecob, who was famously quoted saying, “Women aren’t welcome in the shearing sheds. They’re only after the sex”, the awards name and shame the say-ers of that year’s most sexist comments. 

Here are some gems:

1995: Justice John Gallop, Australian Capital Territory Supreme Court: (upon imposing a bond upon a man convicted of raping a 12-year old girl), “Our jails would be full if we locked up everyone who did this.”

1999: "Magistrate #1" (in a case reviewed by the Judicial Commission): “Women cause a lot of problems by nagging, bitching and emotionally hurting men. Men cannot bitch back for hormonal reasons, and often have no resource but violence.”

2002: Archbishop George Pell, Catholic Archbishop of Sydney: “Abortion is a worse moral scandal than priests sexually abusing young people.”

Yeah, an Ernie is probably a trophy you don’t want in your pool room. 

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1 comments so far..

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    Friday 24 Feb 2012 - 11:03 AM
    Would the Pyschic of the Year awards ceremony be a bit of a damp squib? After all, they would all know who won what well in advance would they not?
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