The Top Ten Witches in Film and Television
Pop quiz, readers: Imagine for a minute that you are me. You’re sitting at my desk and you’re compiling a list of the ten best witches in film and television history. You have only have one spot left on the list, but you really want to include both Sabrina the Teenage Witch AND the hot girls from Charmed. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?
This is the kind of tough decision I am faced with on an almost weekly basis, and I really don’t think any of you truly appreciate how hard it is to be me sometimes. I have so much love to give but I can only give it in lots of ten (except for the occasions when I decide to throw caution to the wind and make it a top eleven because that’s the kind of badass rebel without a cause I am). Feel my pain, readers, FEEL MY BURNING PAIN.
Now before we commence with the formalities I’d like to take a moment to tip my proverbial hat to the three cackling ladies to whom many of the witches below owe their conception – the Three Witches (aka the Weird Sisters) from Shakespeare’s Macbeth. For it was they who first stood around a giant pot boiling all manner of disgusting brews; it was they who first uttered those oft used (and oft misquoted) words “Double, double toil and trouble/Fire burn and cauldron bubble”; and it was they who were the inspiration for so many of the characters below. All hail, evil creatures. All hail, William Shakespeare.
And now for the fun part.
Louise Miller, Teen Witch
Image via 2.bp.blogspot.com
I have written about Teen Witch before, but to remind you it is the story of a dorky teenage girl who longs to be popular and is in love with the local spunkrat who kind of looks like Tom Cruise but isn’t. On her 16th birthday said girl finds out she is a witch and begins casting spells willy-nilly. She becomes heaps popular, wears a lot of tutus (it was the 80s) and totally dumps on her best friend. Plus the spunkrat who is not Tom Cruise totally bangs her. But then she learns a bunch of moral lessons and everybody dances*. The end.
*Did I mention it’s kind of a dance movie?
Grand High Witch, The Witches
Image via 3.bp.blogspot.com
When I was growing up there was no Harry Potter, no Twilight and certainly no Hunger Games. There was Roald Dahl, Enid Blyton, and a little series I like to call The Babysitter’s Club (because that’s what it’s called). Roald Dahl books were my happy place back then, and I was obsessed with Matlida, The Twits and The Witches, reading them all over and over until I could almost recite them verbatim, which I often did much to my parents’ chagrin.
When I was nine years old a movie version of The Witches was released and even though I was terrified the Grand High Witch might jump out of the screen and eat me, I made my Mum take me to see it. And it was awesome. I was of course too young then to appreciate the true brilliance of Angelica Houston’s performance as the grotesque one. But having recently revisited the film I would like to throw out a resounding FUCK YEAH to the divine Miss H.
Nancy Downs, The Craft
Image via images4.fanpop.com
The Craft is an overwhelmingly terrible movie and Fairuza Balk is overwhelmingly terrible in it. I urge you to watch it immediately. Say hi to Neve Campbell for me. I miss her.
Image via morethings.com
I am featuring Endora, mother of starring witch Samantha because she was amazing and Samantha was lame. And before you get all ranty at me consider the facts…
Samantha was a witch, a fact that is both awesome and super mega awesome. She was by all evidence a good witch, who intended no harm to anyone or anything. But her stupid douchebag husband didn’t like that she was a witch and so tried to keep her from expressing her true witchitness except for when it worked to his advantage or got him out of a bind. And that, dear readers, is called racism. Or sexism. Or something oppressive and judgy like that. But the worst thing is that Samantha acquiesced to her stupid douchebag husband’s wishes most of the time and tried to keep her bitching, nose-twitching powers a secret from the world. LAME!
Endora, on the other hand, rocked out with her broomstick out. She was a super-babing GILF of a witch who just wanted Samantha to be true to herself and her witchy heritage. Plus she seemed like the type of good time gal you’d always want at your dinner parties. YAY ENDORA!
Bellatrix Lestrange, Harry Potter
Image via images.wikia.com
So I’ve confessed in previous columns to never having seen Star Wars (SHOCK!) and Twin Peaks (HORROR!). And now it’s time for another round of Hail Marys because I’ve also never read nor seen anything involving the nerdy boy wizard. Sorry, I just haven’t got around to it yet. But I fully intend to do so sometime between now and when my unborn children are in their tweens.
So why have I included Bellatrix Lestrange in this list if I haven’t actually read or seen her in action? Well, because a) this isn’t about me, and; b) FUCK YEAH HELENA BONHAM CARTER!
The Blair Witch, The Blair Witch Project
Image via 3.bp.blogspot.com
Is The Blair Witch real? No, seriously, is she real? I’m too much of a pussy to have ever seen the film.
Alexandra, Jane and Sukie, The Witches of Eastwick
Image via gallery.celebritypro.com
John Updike’s wonderful novel, The Witches of Eastwick, was adapted into a film by George Miller film in 1987. The titular witches are played superbly by Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfeiffer, with Jack Nicholson as the man through whom all evil flows. It is part dark art, part mild erotica, part screwball comedy and all genius.
Basically one day Daryl van Horne (Nicholson, in the role Roger Ebert wrote he was “born to fill”) arrives in the quaint town of Eastwick and stirs havoc in the hearts and loins of three friends – Alexandra, Jane and Sukie – who were until then entirely unaware they were all witches. Chaos ensues, an orgy or two takes place, and everyone gets pregnant.
And although this is truly Jack Nicholson’s film – I have girl-wood right now just thinking about it – the casting of Cher, Sarandon and Pfeiffer as the unassuming witches was a stroke of pure magic.
The Wicked Witch of the West, The Wizard of Oz
Image via netbrawl.com
Fuck Glinda! This crazy, melty bitch was badass and she knew it. Plus, EVIL FLYING MONKEY SOLDIER DUDES!
Willow Rosenberg, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Image via gothamist.com
“Hi, I’m Willow. I’m a redheaded lesbian who used to date a werewolf and my best friend is the Slayer. I used to be all nerdy and overalls-wearing but now I’m all hot and slightly gothic. Oh, and did I mention I am the most powerful witch in the history of witches and I am going to destroy the world because my annoying girlfriend died and I loved her hard. Also, I’m Jewish. Shalom, Willow.”
Sabrina Spellman, Sabrina The Teenage Witch
Image via geoffgould.net
As mentioned before I had a hard time choosing between Sabrina and the ladies from Charmed to take the final spot in this here top ten. It was mainly difficult because while I understand that both shows played an important part in pop culture history, both of them also make me want to vomit a little in my mouth. Seriously look at Sabrina, she makes me want to punch rainbows. And the Charmed ones are no better:
Image via internationalhero.co.uk
So. Much. Denim.
But in the end I went with the blonde over the brunettes. Because even though Charmed had Brenda Walsh and that hot girl who dated Marilyn Manson but is not Evan Rachel Wood, Sabrina had a talking cat. And talking cat beats sister witches any day.
Image via images.wikia.com