When I was a kid I was obsessed with roller skating waitresses. To me these graceful and talented creatures were the epitome of awesome and I wanted to grow up to be just like them. Not that I’d ever seen one in person – I was a child of the '80s and waitresses all walked on steady feet by then – but I’d seen
Grease and
Happy Days and the music video for Warrant’s 'Cherry Pie', so I was pretty wise to the ways of the world. Every day after school I’d spend hours practising my craft, which meant rolling around the driveway carry an empty tray; and on weekends I’d beg my mum to take me to the roller rink so I could hone my skills among busy crowds of rowdy youths. I was nothing if not committed.
As I got older I realised my life goal may not be the most practical of ambitions – both for the low pay associated with the job and the fact the job doesn’t actually exist - and I finally understood why my parents and older sister had ridiculed my dreams for so long. I went to university, studied hard, and embarked on a successful career in changing jobs every five minutes. But somewhere deep inside me there is still a little girl who longs to skate up to convertibles and flirt with all the boys in the parking lot. I call her Bettie-Sue.
I wanted to present a list here about the greatest roller skating waitresses in pop culture history, but they are actually a very underrepresented group. I plan to swiftly rectify this travesty by writing a show about a roller skating waitress who is also a vampire and just can’t get a boyfriend. It will be called
Carrie the Vampire Skater and it will be amazing. But for now I will mildly entertain you/waste the next five minutes of your life with a list of ten television diners I wish I could visit.
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10. The Bayside Diner – Home and Away
Back when I watched
Home and Away – in the hallowed days of Bobby and Roo and Frank and Angel and Shane and both Pippas – I would often get very upset by all the food that seemed to get wasted on the show. People would go to “The Diner” and order burgers and chips and the like and then leave before they had even taken a bite. This was tantamount to murder to my tiny, burger and chips-loving self.
Here is Alf Stewart in the diner doing what Alf Stewart does best (saying “flaming” a lot):
9. Monk’s Diner – Seinfeld
Sometimes I miss
Seinfeld like the deserts miss the rain. Sometimes I miss it like sleep. And sometimes I miss
Seinfeld but I haven’t met Seinfeld yet (except that I have).
If I stumbled upon Monk’s Diner in real true life I would probably balk at how shit it looked and then go find somewhere more in fitting with my snobby tastes to eat. But because Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer love it I want to go there. I want to go there so bad.
Here is George Costanza being a freaking genius. I miss him the most.
8. Mel’s Diner – Alice
I can’t recall ever having seen
Alice, but the fact it was set in a roadside diner in Arizona begged its inclusion on the list. Because if there’s one thing I like more than diners it’s roadside diners.
Based on the 1974 film
Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, the show is about a widow (the titular Alice, played by Linda Lavin) who moves to Phoenix to start a new life. She lands a job in a greasy roadstop called Mel’s Diner and hilarity ensues.
Unfortunately there seems to be a dearth of quality clips of Alice on the world wide web, so you’ll have to be content with this picture of the cast:
Couldn’t you just eat them all up?
7. Double R Diner – Twin Peaks
I am incredibly ashamed to admit that I have never seen
Twin Peaks. I understand if you can’t look at me in the eyes ever again, I can barely stand to look at myself. I plan to correct this monumental fail over the coming summer, along with other pop-culture must-sees I have yet to consume such as
Star Wars (GASP!) and
Alien (Quel horreur!)
The linked scene is set in the amazing-looking Double R Diner and includes the line “That’s the kind of girl that makes you wish you spoke a little French” which is pretty much the best thing that’s ever been said.
6. The Lanford Lunch Box – Roseanne
Although the main item served here was the truly horrible-sounding “loose-meat sandwich”, The Lunch Box meets the stringent “diner” classification qualification due to its close resemblance to a diner, and its service of coffee and pie. I want to go there because there is a chance I’ll run into David (Johnny Galecki) and then I can steal him from Darlene (Sara Gilbert) and make him my love muffin for life. Also
I like any excuse to write about Roseanne, as it is the greatest sitcom of all time (or the 5th greatest at the very least).
Here is a scene at the Lunch Box featuring everybody’s favourite serious actress, Traci Lords:
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