10 things I have learned about lesbians from watching a few episodes of 'The Real L Word'

I am not an easily shocked person. In fact I am so hard to shock that some people make it their mission in life to offend me. Few have succeeded so far. But a few weeks ago I went over to a dear friend’s house for a night of television and Nepalese food and she introduced me to a new show I had yet to experience; a show that shocked me so much and with such gusto that there is now an imprint of my jaw on my friend’s bedroom floor. The show is The Real L Word, and it is amazing.

Taking its name from the American drama series The L Word, which ran from 2004 to 2009 and followed the lives of a group of lesbian, bisexual and transgender people in West Hollywood, The Real L Word is a reality series which follows the lives of a group of women-who-like-women in the same area. I have only thus far seen three episodes of the reality series as it is not airing in Australia at present, is not out on DVD as yet, and I am not a pirate, internet or otherwise. However three episodes of The Real L Word, which involves some of the most intense and explicit sex and masturbation scenes I have ever seen outside of pornography, were enough to leave me shocked and a little bit appalled. To clarify I was shocked by the explicitness of the real, non-simulated sex scenes portrayed on the show and not by the nature of the scenes themselves. I would have been equally dumbstruck had the sex been heterosexual. And I was appalled by the behavior of some of the girls’ and their handling of certain situations, but that’s par for the course in any reality show. I am appalled by everything that has ever happened on Jersey Shore but I continue to watch it, it’s hilarious.

So as you can see, just like Game of Thrones before it, I have a lot of feelings about The Real L Word. In fact if you haven’t noticed I have a lot of feelings about a lot of things. And so as a way of processing my many feelings I felt compelled to write this column. I also felt compelled to write it because I told my editor I would and that’s what I get paid for.

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Ten things I have learned about lesbians from watching a few episodes of The Real L Word:

1. Lesbians are ladies that like other ladies in a sexy way.
2. Lesbians are people too. Who knew? Somebody call Bob Katter!
3. Not all lesbians look like KD Lang, nor do they all look like Ruby Rose. Lesbians come in all shapes, sizes, religions and ethnicities. I know! I’m shocked too!
4. Lesbians are either “femme” (displaying character traits and physical attributes/style traditionally associated with women/femininity) or “butch” (displaying character traits and physical attributes/style traditionally associated with men/masculinity). Some are “femmy butch” while others are “butchy femme”. And some can’t be pigeonholed into a pre-conceived notion of personality or sexuality at all.
5. A lot of lesbians are insanely attractive. These lesbians like to spend a lot of time in their underwear often without bras on. Some of them even like to have sex or masturbate in front of video cameras for the whole world to see. There are also some not so hot lesbians but they never ever take their clothes off in front of the camera and are probably Never Nudes.
6. Lesbians have a lot of feelings and like to talk about them ad nausea. I too have a lot of feelings I like to talk about a lot. Maybe I’m a lesbian?
7. Lesbians like to drink. Lesbians like to drink a lot. This – combined with all the aforementioned feelings - often leads to very public, very tragic and very incoherent fights at various lesbian parties and bars around the greater Los Angeles area.
8. Every lesbian knows every other lesbian, whether they live in the same town or not. They are like Jewish people but with more tattoos.
9. Some lesbians have mothers who are also lesbians. This means that the traditional mother/daughter relationship is extended to include extremely detailed discussions about each other’s sex lives, sometimes with their partners present. I’m not sure what you talk about with your mother, but my conversations with my late mum rarely included graphic descriptions of my partner’s genitalia. But maybe I’m just a prude.
10. Some lesbians in the USA are married and have babies and no straight people have divorced or died or grown an extra head because of it. QUICK! GET BOB KATTER BACK ON THE PHONE!