Ten Terrible Actors and their Talented Siblings
Who's saying what
Continuing on last week’s theme of celebrating all things sibling, I bring you this totally gratuitous list. I was going to write about my favourite siblings working in Hollywood today – the Wilsons, the Gyllenhaals, the Afflecks (yup, I like them BOTH) – but then I wouldn’t have been able to talk about Andrew Shue. This way everybody wins (mostly me).
Justine Bateman (Sister of Jason Bateman)
Image via sitcomsonline.com
I was all ready to make fun of Justine Bateman for not having done much since Family Ties except a few telemovies and a guest spot on Arrested Development playing maybe a Bluth but really a prostitute. But then I read her Wikipedia page and she seems like quite the cool, smart lady and I felt bad for making fun of her. But THEN I remembered I am not here to make friends and so HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JUSTINE BATEMAN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
Jason Bateman was in Arrested Development and Arrested Development is probably the greatest television show of all time or at least in the top five. Therefore no matter what he did before it, or what he does in future, he has a free pass through life and nobody is ever allowed to be mean to him.
Andrew Shue (Sister of Elizabeth Shue)
Image via makems.com
Elizabeth Shue has been in some terrible films, nobody can argue with that. And she is currently on CSI, which, as a Law and Order devotee, is tantamount to sacrilege. But the pretty lady was also in Adventures in Babysitting, The Karate Kid, Back to the Future, and Cocktail and that makes her a god in my eyes. Plus, if you’ve seen Leaving Las Vegas and/or Mysterious Skin you’ll feel me when I say bitch can totally act.
Andrew Shue, on the other hand, was in Melrose Place. And although I bow faithfully at the altar of Spelling, this is what happens when Andrew Shue tries to act (warning: it ain’t pretty):
I’d totally still hit it, though.
Charlie O’Connell (Brother of Jerry O’Connell)
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Jerry O’Connell may not be my favourite actor, but he was in Stand by Me and therefore he might as well be dipped in chocolate and placed upon a mountain for all and sundry to worship. He is also married to Rebecca Romjin, who was once married to John Stamos, which means he’s Eskimo brothers with Uncle Jesse and that is awesome news for him.
Charlie O’Connell was the titular single dude in season seven of reality TV series The Bachelor, and seems to have had a few minor TV roles playing his brother’s brother. It’s nice to see that Jerry stands by him. BAM!
Kirk Cameron (Brother of Candace Cameron Bure)
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An email from the future:
I am writing in regards to Nadine von Cohen’s column: Ten Terrible Actors and their Talented Siblings.
While agree with most of what the AMAZING Ms von Cohen wrote, I can’t support the definition of Candace Cameron Bure as “talented”. She’s as Z-Grade as her crazy, Bible-bothering brother and everybody knows it.
My response in the future:
“Dear “Disappointed” (if that is even your real name),
CANDACE CAMERON BURE PLAYED DJ TANNER ON FULL HOUSE AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE AND JOHN STAMOS AND THE OLSEN TWINS AND RIDING ON TRAMS AND IF YOU DON’T AGREE YOU ARE A STUPIDFACE DUMBHEAD AND I HATE YOU!”
Nadine von Cohen
PS Thanks for calling me amazing.”
Richmond, Alexis and David Arquette (Siblings of Rosanna and Patricia)
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I have, at various times of my life, had schoolgirl crushes on three of the five Arquette siblings. First on Rosanna in both Baby It’s You and Desperately Seeking Susan; then on Patricia in True Romance, still one of my all-time favourite films; and then on David in Dream with the Fishes. But while Rosanna and Patricia have built fruitful, if not always brilliant careers for themselves- Patricia even winning several awards for her starring role in Medium – the other siblings have been less successful.
David’s career looked promising at the start, or sort of promising at least, with roles in Airheads and the Scream franchise. But so far he has done little more than marry Courtney Cox, cheat on Courtney Cox, separate from Courtney Cox, and guest star in a bunch of TV shows starring Courtney Cox. His appearance in the most recent season of Dancing with the Stars only solidifies his D-grade status even further.
Both Wikipedia and IMDB list Richmond Arquette as being an “actor” but his roles to date read like the CV of a drifter with multiple personality disorder: “Intern”, “Truck Driver”, “Officer #4”, “Student” etc.
And Alexis Arquette (born Robert Arquette) is unfortunately more famous for her gender reassignment than any role she has ever played.
Don Swayze (Brother of Patrick Swayze)
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The late and beautiful Patrick Swayze was a wonderful actor and incredible dancer who starred in some of my most favourite films of all time, namely The Outsiders, Dirty Dancing, Road House, Ghost, Point Break, and Donnie Darko. He was also in a whole bunch of terrible films but I choose not to speak ill of the dead so let’s just pretend they never happened. Let’s also pretend the sexy Brat Packer never sang ‘She’s Like the Wind’ on the Dirty Dancing soundtrack and instead focus on the time he said “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” and broke the hearts and hymens of women and gay men everywhere.
And Don Swayze was on Murder, She Wrote a bunch of times and can now be seen in The Young and the Restless.
Macaulay Culkin (Brother of Kieran Culkin)
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Yeah, yeah he was in Home Alone and everybody loves Home Alone. I love Home Alone too y’all but apart from starring in a couple of kids movies, dating Mila Kunis (nice one, bro!), and allegedly fathering Michael Jackson’s children what else has little Kevin McAllister done?
Kieran Culkin had a similarly cheesy start in films such as Father of the Bride and She’s All That, as well as also appearing in the Home Alone films. However Culkin Junior has since gone on to play many critically acclaimed roles. He was Golden Globe nominated for the brilliant Igby Goes Down, and received accolades for his performances in The Cider House Rules and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. His theatre career has been similarly lauded, and having just seen him in This Is Our Youth at Sydney Opera House I can understand why. I realise I’m being uncharacteristically serious right now but I truly believe this is one young actor to watch. FUCK YEAH KIERAN CULKIN!
Charlie Sheen (Brother of Emilio Estevez)
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It’s fair to say that over the years both of Martin Sheen’s famous sons, Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez, have given him occasion to hold his head in his hands and scream “DIOS MIO!” Both men had early and deserved success - Emilio Estevez with The Breakfast Club, St Elmo’s Fire, Young Guns and others; and Charlie Sheen in Platoon, Wall Street and also Young Guns – but both also made some terrible decisions in the nineties. I’m sure I don’t need to list their combined contributions to bad film and television but just to name a few there’s the Stakeout franchise, the Loaded Weapon franchise, the Scary Movie franchise, the Mighty Ducks franchise (which I happen to love, but still) and of course, that bastion of sexism and pure evil, Two and a Half Men.
And then there’s the plethora of messy trysts and even messier divorces (mostly Charlie’s), the substance abuse problems (all Charlie’s) and even the occasional spousal assault (again, all Charlie’s). But while Estevez has been steadily and impressively rebuilding his once flailing career - culminating in an unprecedented seven minute standing ovation at the Venice Film Festival for Bobby, an incredible film he wrote, produced, directed and starred in - and remains in a steady, monogamous relationship - Charlie Sheen lives in a fantasy land with a bunch of porn stars and a deluded sense of self-importance.
Daniel, William and Stephen Baldwin (Brothers of Alec Baldwin)
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I cannot decide if I want Alec Baldwin to adopt or marry me. I love him for his brain, I love him for his talent, I love him for his politics and I love him for his piercing handsomeness. He is one of the best comedic actors working today, and I get lady wood just thinking about his voice. Like The Estevez-Sheens mentioned above, Baldwin took on some ill-advised roles in the nineties, but the man has made a comeback that puts even Tom Hanks and Marky Mark to shame. For his role as Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock alone Baldwin has won two Emmys, four Golden Globes and seven Screen Actors Guild awards, and if you haven’t listened to his podcast you are a douchebag.
On the other hand, while youngest Baldwin, Stephen showed early promise in The Usual Suspects and the “surprise hits” Threesome and Bio-Dome, the extra-evangelical evangelical Christian was last seen being pathetic on Celebrity Big Brother and getting angry at people on Twitter for being mean to Kirk Cameron.
And nobody can tell the difference between Daniel and William.
Latoya Jackson (Sister of Michael and Janet)
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Okay so none of them are technically actors, but all have been in films so get off my case, pedants! And say what you will about them - about the skin bleaching, the nipple slipping, the baby dangling, and…well nothing was ever proven - but Janet Jackson has made some killer music in her time and Michael Jackson remains one of the greatest musical artists that ever lived.
And then there’s Latoya…