Sharon Stone's vagina - a top ten listThroughout the ages (and by "ages" I mean "the past decade"), Sharon Stone's vagina has captivated audiences around the world.
Whether it's whisking an omelette, blinking noisily at a priest like some scaly Lovecraftian aberration, or playing skip-rope with Nicola Teslas balls, Sharon Stone's vagina has been parodied, lampooned and feared over and over.
Let's take a look at ten of said vaginas greatest moments in the spotlight.
Here it is. Sharon Stones vagina. You can tell it's her vagina, on account of the fact that it's between her legs, in her vaginal region type area. Paul Verhoeven (the old Dutch director, not me) made Basic Instinct, a film which not only rocketed Sharon Stone's vagina into public consciousness, but also proved that Michael Douglas, whilst saggy, has some well proper magic bone going on. Enjoy.
There is nothing less funny than Fran Drescher. I once accidentally elbowed a wheezing octogenarian in the face by accident, and had to sit on the bus with her and thirty mortified, dead-silent passangers looking at me as if I'd just improvised a pro-holocaust sonnet. Fran Drecher is less funny than that. This clip, however, was one in a long line of movie parodies. The only reasons I ever watched The Nanny were a) because Niles played Moriarty in Star Trek: The Next Generation, and b) because somehow I knew Madeline Zima would grow up to be unfathomably hot.
Have you guys ever heard of Doc Talker? It's the same computerised voice generator that has given Stephen Hawking his pleasing baritone. My friends and I used to occupy ourselves by calling emergency services lines on Friday nights, ad having my pc exclaim that it was a robot, and that it had just felt a feeling. Help me, it said. Something Isn't right. I just felt a feeling. Anyway, someone has doctalked the exchange from the interrogation scene, and dumped the audio over two badly animated adorable bears. Makes sense, right?
A kilt? Really? Did scotch manufacturer William Lawsons take a bong hit before making this? If so, why aren't they selling bongs? Why are they selling Whiskey? Fuck you, William Lawson. Fuck you for selling whiskey when you shouldn't be selling ... and so forth.
This begins like a standard Basic Instinct parody, only in Italian, so it's pretty hard to follow what they're trying to achieve. Then, about halfway, the three policemen are evidently overwhelmed by the acrid stench of the woman's vagina, and gay out something fierce. I don't speak Italian, but I'm pretty sure they're lamenting their acting careers.
In Silence of the Hams, a vamp named Sharon Bone is being told to "cut the crap". She does not cut the crap. I think the only reason I included this is because Billy Zane appears in the first few seconds of the clip, and Billy Zane had the balls to hate on poor people even as the ship he was on was sinking. Even the most hateful noveau-riche ballbag generally overcomes their aversion to fiddle-playing and jigs when confronted with their own watery mortality. Not Billy Zane. He... Wow. I appear to have gone somewhat on a tangent. It was fun though, right? Lots of memories?
This parody was made to promote wrestling of some description. Probably the only reason I included this is because I like it when neckless men wear suits. These guys shuffle in with all the finesse of Goombas, and spend the video trying to squeeze serious expressions onto their meaty faces. It's like watching an enormous enchanted meatloaf padlock try and shuffle cards.
At the 2.25 mark, in this scene from Loaded Weapon (an enormously underrated yet profoundly retarded piece of cinema starring Emilio Estevez, Sam Jackson, Tim Curry, Bill Shatner and Charlie Sh... oh God. I need a towel.), a generic seductress is being grilled by a room full of men, desperately awaiting a beaver shot. Cue a sight gag about as subtle as getting shot with a bus.
Hey! Newman is interrogating Jerry the same way he interrogated Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct! He went on to do the same thing to a Dilophosaurus in Jurassic Park. The dinosaur then spat in his face, giving every paleontologist in the northern hemisphere simultaneous boners.
This, right here, is an awesome Sharon Stone vagina parody moment. Unfortunately, the douche canoes over at Fox have ensured that unless you live in the US, or have a DVD of The Simpsons episode in question, you're a sizzling polyp on the anus of humanity and for you to have access to a twenty second clip involving Groundskeeper Willie showing his junk would be tantamount to rubbing your dick on the wailing wall. Instead, we'll have to settle for the same clip dubbed in Russian. Somehow, amazingly, it's still pretty funny.
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