Ever wonder what to say to your son as he wanders into your study, clutching a vagina-shaped liquorice treat? Ever wonder how to react when your daughter utters her first words, and those words turn out to be 'bring me a mungbean or I'll jam a pear in you?' Ever tremble with nerves and anticipation on the eve of you child's debut in the school play, then quake under the weight of how badly the third act (the one concerned mainly with windmills having sex) was?

If you've ever wanted a guide, a series of lessons for those hard-to-reach places, here is it.

This is Lessons for Children.

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Check back next Wednesday morning for the next installment.

You can view other parts of the Lessons for Children series here on TheVine.

Lessons for Children - 1
Lessons for Children - 2
Lessons for Children - 3