You've been hearing about it for over a year. You've read the stories, seen the ads, watched the interviews, downloaded the promos, heard the gossip - but now the moment of truth has arrived. It's finally time for you to join your fellow citizens and dutifully file into the nearest multiplex to bear witness to the epic cinematic masterpiece that is definitely not Baz Luhrmann's Australia.

To help you through the ordeal here is a quick checklist of items to take in with you:

A Handful of No Doz: That first hour can be really tough to get through. These should help perk you up.

Large Oriental Hand Fan: In the camp-fire scene where Hugh Jackman pulls off his shirt to reveal the kind of ripped torso you usually see only in high-end gay porn you're going to need some air circulation quick smart to keep you from swooning.

Small Plastic Beach Bucket: To catch any drool resulting from the same scene.

A Men in Black Memory Erasure Stick: Accepting Nicole Kidman as an A-list actress headlining a $180 million epic movie is difficult for most people to get their minds around given her long string of box office stinkers, which include The Human Stain, Cold Mountain, Birth, Fur, Margot at the Wedding, Bewitched, The Stepford Wives and The Invasion. This handy little device made people forget about seeing aliens, so it should come in handy.

Steve Irwin Doll: Every time you hear anyone on screen utter the word "Crikey" give little Steve a squeeze. Consider it a tribute.

Your Receipts for the Last Financial Year: This film is 165 minutes long with no intermission and plenty of dead spots, especially in the first half. So why not use the time productively by filling out your tax return? (Note: you can claim the cost of the ticket as a deduction. We checked.)

Hospital Urine Bottle: For those men silly enough to ignore our warning not to drink any black coffee or house-brand diet cola before heading in to see the film this item will save you a trip to the loo at about the time reel seven kicks in.

A Copy of Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy: Alternatively, if you do choose to nip out to the little boys' room, why not seize the opportunity to catch up on a chapter or two of this fine classic? Chances are that when you head back in the same scene will still be playing.

Kitsch Garden Statue of Aborigine (on one leg, with spear): Veteran indigenous actor David Gulpilil spends so much screen time striking this pose you might want to compare it with the real thing to fully appreciate his attention to detail. He's a method actor, you know.

A Rolf Harris Wobbleboard: To enhance the true-blue Australianness of Australia the strains of Waltzing Matilda keep creeping up on the film's music track. But you know what? Nothing - but nothing - beats the dinky-di sound you get from a genuine fibro wobbleboard. So wait until a really emotional moment, then go nuts.

Twenty Burns of The Wizard of Oz DVD: Australia might not be a classic, but Baz Luhrmann sure spends an awful lot of time working this 1939 gem into the story. Chances are people will be so eager to see The Wizard of Oz again they'll want to head to the nearest shop to buy a copy. Save them the trouble - at $50 a pop. Cash.

A Box of Tissues (jumbo size): It don't matter how hard you are, if you think you're going to get through the final 10 minutes of this mega-weepie without shedding a tear or two then, man, what's the matter with you? Got a heart of granite or something?

An Australian Flag: To gauge how well the film is going down with the audience, every ten minutes of so wave the flag above your head and yell out "Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!" The number and volume of the "Oi! Oi! Oi!" you get in reply will accurately measure whether Australia will be a hit or a miss.

An Air Horn: No particular reason for this really, except that letting one of these things off in the middle of a crowded cinema always makes any movie-going experience fun.

Just one Question

Anything we missed?

Your valued thoughts are hereby sought.

-Jim Schembri