Many moons ago, in Year 12, my school was abuzz with the anticipation ahead of presentation night. Who would get which award? Who would trip on their way to shake hands with the Vice Principal? Who would get their period and not realise? (Don't laugh, it happened once.)

After a planning meeting (I think I was involved in organising some form of audiovisual display), my media teacher took me aside and explained that even though I was clearly the best student in the class, and had the best grades, and had made the best student film, he was going to give the media prize to another student. He was worried about favouritism, or something, and thought he'd give it to someone as a sort of 'encouragement award'. 

I flash-back to that moment, and my dumbfounded-bordering-on-apoplectic-with-rage expression, each year when I watch the Golden Globes.

While awards season doesn't begin with the Golden Globes (there are countless critics circle and industry awards that precede it), to the armchair red carpet critic it's certainly the first of the higher profile awards ceremonies, and so seen by many as a bellwether for the ones that really matter, i.e. the Oscars (in actual fact a bunch of regional and critic awards are a more accurate barometer of future success).

Here is a fun fact about the Globes, or rather, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association: did you know there are only 90 members?

This time last year, a lawsuit alleged that payola was rife among members of the HFPA around Globes time, or, as the lawsuit (brought by former publicist Michael Russell) said itself, “These actions perpetrate a fraud on the public, to which HFPA holds itself out as a charitable organization dedicated to recognizing excellence in film." It wasn't the first time the HFPA/Globes had been accused of shady dealings.

Anyway, with that happy news in mind, what was the lay of the land for 2012's ceremony? Why don't we start at the beginning, with Ricky Gervais' opening monologue:



Watching the throws to audience reactions during Gervais' now infamous Golden Globes monologues is a handy way to keep track of who's cool and who's a tool in Hollywood. Based on this year's cut-aways:

COOL
Jodie Foster and her sons


Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg


Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt


TOOL
Amy Poehler and Tina Fey*


Leonardo Di Caprio


Elton John & Bernie Taupin


...And so on. I thought Gervais' opener was good, not as biting as last year (multiple Kardashian jokes, really?) but more classic, in a way - a hint of Bob Hope, a dash of Don Rickles.

* - Fey and Poehler made up for it later with this:



From there, however, it was the traditional Golden Globes slow slide into the middle. Fortunately for those forced to watch it all unfold from inside the Ballroom, they served like eleventy million gallons of Moet & Chandon bubbles:



Viola Davis was clearly very thankful for the bottomless glass policy.

Oh, sure, there were occasional moments of blessed respite. Seth Rogen pwning Kate Beckinsale, for example:



On the winning front, there were a bunch of surprises - and when I say "surprises", I mean of the Golden Globes variety, when you wonder exactly what went on behind the scenes that led to, for example, Kelsey Grammar winning Best Actor in a TV Drama for Boss, or Michelle Williams as Best Actress for, as Rogen put it, "the hysterical comedy My Week With Marilyn".

Yes, there were a handful of deserved awards: Peter Dinklage for Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries or Movie (Game Of Thrones) and Idris Elba for Best Actor in a Miniseries or Movie (Luther).

Mad props to Meryl Streep, who put aside the bulk of her speech for Best Actress (a foregone conclusion, surely) to highlight some of the year's best performances by other actresses, kicking off with Adepero Oduye's work as a 17-year-old lesbian in Pariah.



Props also to George Clooney, who tried to get Meryl's glasses to the stage but was foiled by the evil David Fincher at the end of the chain of hands.

We also have Meryl's win to thank for some hilarity from the fan community on Tumblr:



YOU DREAM CRUSHERS

Oh and Uggie the dog from The Artist attended:



But really, all this is just clutching at straws, isn't it? Once the final results were in and Alexander Payne's dreadful The Descendants took out Best Picture (Drama) and Best Actor for a sleepwalking Clooney (who at least had the wherewithal to make a gag about Michael Fassbender's massive wang), and Woody Allen's dumb-sweet Midnight In Paris, something I'm fairly sure he wrote while on the toilet, copped Best Screenplay, it became pretty clear - for yet another year - that the Golden Globes are basically Hollywood's biggest pie night.

Only at this one, the "pies" are made with gold flakes worth $135 p/gram. As Gervais said in his parting salvo, "I hope you enjoyed the goodie bags and the champagne and the gold. I hope that took your mind off the recession."

It certainly took my mind off the results. God speed, Oscar night, god speed.