Your "official" Oscars drinking game

• Entertainment
• Movies
• Blogs

Can you believe it's already time for Oscar again? That means it's time for us all to pat ourselves and each other on the back, because we've survived Awards Season.

Once upon a time, for me at least, The Academy Awards was the jewel in my yearly TV crown: the day when I'd indulge my wildest fantasies about working in the film industry, and imagine being dressed by Bob Mackie and Anthony Lane and having lingerie from Trashy and my hair done by Oribe.

(This year I'll just be rocking back and forth and telling myself "You have 30-40 years to win an Oscar for screenwriting, you have 30-40 years to win an Oscar for screenwriting...")

These days, it's a mere blip on the awards show radar; ever since Crash won Best Picture back in 2005, nobody really cares anymore. We just hang out hoping for "the next Jack Pallance/Roberto Benigni/Cuba Gooding Jr./Sally Field".

A continual ratings slide the past few years means the Oscars is no longer the event that stops the nation, though at the very least it congests Los Angeles traffic for a few days. Big shout out to any visiting Angelean readers, don't try to drive or park in these streets on Sunday:


(map via LA Weekly)

Anyway, since most of my favourite films of 2011 (Drive, Melancholia, Charlize Theron in Young Adult, Meek's Cutoff...) are under-represented (or not represented at all), it's safe to say I won't be that invested in what actually goes down in terms of paperweights this Sunday, or Monday for us plebs down here on Prisoner Island.

Consequently, why not throw together the official Tube Ray Army Oscars Drinking Game?! (Because it promotes irresponsible serving of alcohol, perhaps?)

First of all, before you even open the liquor cabinet, find an hour in your Oscar prep to listen to The Lavender Hour episode #48, Trophy Gold. It'll provide you with a good grounding in not taking awards shows seriously (i.e. "Fuck your awards, you psychotic reptilian c---s. We don't give awards to the mountains, and they're beautiful!).

Then, refamiliarise yourself with the field: LA Times' The Envelope has a play-at-home ballot to refresh your memory, i.e. yes, that's right, Woody Allen's snooze-a-rama script equivalent of a golden oldies station, Midnight In Paris, has been nominated for Best Original Screenplay.

Now that you've got that under your belt, it's time to lay in some booze; a good guide is a bottle of cheap plonk, a strong spirit of some description, and a few cans of beer. Let's begin:

TAKE A SHOT OF SOMETHING STRONG WHEN:

- Billy Crystal begins his opening number. Brian Grazer's in charge of this year's ceremony, so it could either end up super-safe or quite interesting. But one thing's for sure, when Crystal's got the top job, we come for the hilarious opening montage, not the song that follows it.

 
HAVE A SIP OF BEER IF/WHEN:

- Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are caught on camera looking lovingly at each other and you know you will never have a love that pure and beautiful.
- Anne Hathaway comes across a little desperate and Tony Bartuccio.
- The crane manages to catch a few seat-warmers scurrying desperately out of sight. 
- Martin Scorsese and his wife Helen Morris blink at the camera in unison and look like moles.
- You think about how cool it would be to have Bruce Vilanch at your next dinner party.
- The microphone makes a terrible noise as it rises from underneath the stage.
- The microphone wobbles back and forth.
- The microphone doesn't work but somehow all the sound from backstage and the orchestra pit is picked up perfectly.


DRINK HALF A GLASS OF WINE IF/WHEN:

- Jean Dujardin does something irresistibly French
- Jean Dujardin raises an eyebrow
- Jean Dujardin kisses someone.


CONGRATULATE YOURSELF IMMENSELY AND FORCE EVERYONE ELSE TO TAKE A SHOT IF/WHEN THE CAMERA SETTLES ON AND YOU RECOGNISE:

- Janusz Kaminski
- Dante Ferretti
- Thelma Schoonmaker
- Any screenwriter who isn't Aaron Sorkin
- Any of the Best Documentary (Short Subject) nominees
- Any of the previous years' Best Documentary Short nominees or winners


DRINK THE TEARS OF BABY ANGELS IF/WHEN:

- The Help wins Best Picture.
- The Help wins best picture and some white dudes talk about racism in the acceptance speech. 
- The Artist wins Best Cinematography over The Tree Of Life.
- You realise you will never be as much fun as Meryl Streep.
- You remember what Meg Ryan's lips used to look like.
- Richard Wilkins.


TAKE A SHOT IF/WHEN:

- A winner begins their speech by apologising for their perceived lack of English and then makes the funniest and most heartfelt speech of the night.
- Max Von Sydow doesn't win Best Supporting Actor and you hear my howl of injustice from where you are. 
- Adrien Brody has questionable facial hair. 
- The camera finds Stanley Tucci or Ben Kingsley and you remember how much you want to have sex with them but probably never will. 
- You think about making a play to be James Cameron's sixth wife.
- Someone in the audience is caught saying something clearly catty.
- Best Editing, Sound Editing, Make-Up or Special Effects winners are adorable and really jumpy. 
- Renee Zellweger's lemon face.


DRINK THE WHOLE BOTTLE WHEN (NOT IF):

- They show the edited highlights from the Academy's Sci-Tech Awards and it looks like so much more fun than the "real" Oscars that you start crying.


AND DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TAKE A DRINK IF/WHEN:

- Someone thanks Harvey Weinstein
- Someone thanks God (aka Harvey Weinstein)
- The Hooray For Hollywood! sting plays

(Unless your plan for March is to finally see your name on the obituaries page on Wednesday.)

At this rate you should be moderately-to-extremely drunk by the time they've announced Best Supporting Actress, and will be free to "enjoy" the rest of the evening.

And once it's all done and dusted, you can use your newly minted alcoholism/cirrhosis of the liver to inspire you to write a searing dramatic screenplay that will surely go on to win you an Oscar in five to 25 years' time. Go forth and make me proud.