The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - movie review
Who's saying what
Jonno and Zara Seidler
Zara is very unimpressed. My 15-year-old sister has been told that tonight would be an official media pre-screening of the final Twilight film, and instead it seems to have become a ravenous, seething pit of desperate single women in their early forties and gaggles of less trendy teenagers who don’t realise that Edward and Bella aren’t that cool anymore. OK, that was a wee bit of poetic license. Zara is really unimpressed because, as I warned her earlier, the nice movie people have taken away her mobile phone at the door of the cinema. We’re sitting in a giant room full of Twi-hards, waiting for the show to get started, and she has nothing to do with her hands. She spots a group of younger kids she knows and tells me “This is so embarrassing for our school.” Indeed, it seems like vampiric sheen of Twilight has lost its lustre, even with its target demographic. As the opening credits roll, Zara politely informs me that she hates seeing movies in the cinema because she has a really short attention span and she can’t fast-forward to the good bits. I tell her that’s why I’m drinking beer.
We spend more of the movie laughing than anything else; amazed that a concept which seemed so airtight originally (I quite liked the first one) has unravelled into such a messy, ridiculous piece of grotesque theatre that doesn’t even have a solid plot to keep it going anymore. Zara should know what happens, she’s read all of the books, but that was when she was like, 9 or something, which is ages ago, Jonathan. Instead we marvel at how terrible the special effects are, how overwrought and unintelligible the story is and why vampires that never die can suddenly be beheaded and set on fire. The following is a direct transcript of the conversation we have about what we’ve just seen on the drive home.
J: So what the f--- was with the beheading? Seriously.
Z: I have no idea. That was really screwed up.
J: Was that something that happened in the last movie that I’m supposed to know about?
Z: It was a bit odd. And then when he ripped his head off! GAAH! Gross.
J: It was really graphic, and the rest of the movie was so clearly fake...
Z: They should really do something about that. It was quite clearly not real. All of it.
J: I swear I saw like six Windows screensavers in there
Z: Yeah, like the mountains in the beginning...
J: And the grass they’re rolling around in the end. Why did that have to be digitised? Anyway, I don’t understand Taylor Lautner’s purpose in that move.
Z: No I like him! Because in the end he hooks up with that chick, [Edward and Bella’s] daughter! That’s definitely incest.
J: Wait, how is that incest? They’re not even related, Zara.
Z: Well they’re all related, everyone’s related.
J: He’s a f---ing wolf! I can tell you that and I haven’t even read the books.
Z: Well sorry but I can’t get over how trippy that scene was. [Note, Zara says ‘trippy’ a lot.]
J: What you mean the one at the end where it was-
Z: Ohmigod! WIG OUT!
J: It’s not like it hasn’t been done before but they just put so much effort into that entire battle scene and then…
Z: Yeah but everything. You know, the Dad was dead and sh-t and then he wasn’t?
J: And how many accents were there I couldn’t even keep up. I mean that Carlisle guy is British or something…
Z: [puts on Transylvanian accent] Thankyou for coming, I am Dracula!
J: And then those two Italians and who is that evil Arlo guy meant to be, their brother or some sh-t?
Z: He reminds me of Dumbledore.
J: You’ve read the books, how did you not know what happens?
Z: I read them when I was 9, Jonathan. There’s a reason for that.
Z: No, I don’t recall that happening at all.
J: Is that the only way that you can kill a vampire? I thought you had to nail them with a stake, but obviously I’m old-fashioned..
Z: Man, I thought they were immortal. So why are they all fighting if they’re going to f---ing live!? That’s what I wanna know.
J: (laughs) Yeah, but if the girl was immortal, right…
Z: IF THEY’RE ALL IMMORTAL WHAT’S THE POINT OF A WAR ANYWAY? You’re immortal, babe. Doesn’t make sense.
J: I think it’s kind of…
Z: But the’yre immortal.
J: …it must have been done in part one or part two..
Z: But they’re immortal.
J: …there was a lot of sh-t that was not explained...
Z: You’re missing the fact that they are immortal.
J: No, no, no. they live for a long time, but then they die, right?
Z: What do you think immortal means?
J: But are vampires immortal? Like would Bella and Edward live forever?
Z: Yes, that’s the whole thing, because they thought their daughter was immortal so-
J: - so what’s the f---ing difference?
Z: I DON’T KNOOOOOWWW.
J: I need to go read up on this sh-t now because it’s really going to annoy me.
Z: That was…that was some strange sh-t right there.
J: How about that sex scene. Wow.
Z: Whoo! Heating up.
J: It was just the most…ugh. And then the Cullens were making sex jokes afterwards…
Z: Yeah. ‘Hahaha about that...’
J: ‘Did you break anything?’ I mean, really?
Z: Just innapropriate babes.
J: Well this is from a story where it took them the whole first movie just to kiss.
Z: (some other accent) And zen zey’re having sex!
J: Seriously, though. I waited the whole first movie for them to kiss and it was just so tense…I really feel like there was no narrative here at all. Maybe it was explained in the first half but every scene was different.
Z: There was no correspondence at all.
J: Nothing! You’d totally forgotten that she went to school and had a Dad and all that stuff. He was in that movie for thirty seconds. Why was the daughter aging so fast?
Z: Yeah. Didn’t get that.
J: If Alice could see the future why did she have to be there at all, I mean I don’t even…
Z: Did she predict ….what she would predict....IN THE BATTLE? WIG OUT!
Z: I think the whole title of this movie should be ‘WIG OUT’. You should just take drugs in advance. It would make you understand sh-t more.
J: But you know, the orchestral score was really good.
Z: Yeah, the band! That was sick, it was amazing.
J: That was really good but everything else was blah.
Z: No I liked the end, I did.
J: Yeah I did too because I didn’t expect it and I was pleasantly surprised.
Z: (adopts British accent) Oh pleasant, yes.
J: Yes. But did you notice apart from that bit where everyone went [makes gasping noise] they were just laughing the whole time? Like Taylor Lautner had the best lines…
Z: And then he takes off his clothes and it’s all ‘Girl look at that body, girl look at that body – I work out!’
J: Don’t sing LMFAO in my car.
Z keeps singing.
Z: I don’t know if it’s RPatz or him anymore that I like. I like both.
J: RPatz or Lautz? I thought after the first movie it was always Lautz.
Z: Yeah, but Patz is lookin' mighty fine these days.
J: Do you think so? I think he looks like a paint-pastel fairy!
Z: No, he’s a good actor.
J: You honestly think he’s a good actor?
Z: Have you seen him in Harry Potter?
J: I could not find one bit of good acting in his entire performance. In fact I think the girl who could see the future was actually the best actress.
Z: Who, the one who played Alice? Ashley Greene?
J: Is that her name? Oh yeah, I thought she was pretty good.
Z: That’s because she had short hair and you like girls with short hair.
J: That’s irrelevant. There were lots of girls with short hair in that movie weren’t there?
Z: I thought the jungle Pocahontas chicks were pretty cool.
J: Because it’s like ‘Here’s someone we found in Brazil!’
Z: (is suddenly African American) ‘And bitches be like Pocahontas.’
J: And everyone has different powers…literally it’s like a vampire X-Men.
Z: I felt it was vampires gone wild, you know, let’s wear as little clothing as we can and have as much sex as we can.
J: She [Kristen Stewart] looked really hot. I hate to say it, but when she wasn’t scowling, and she was scowling a lot of the time. Like, she smiled twice in that movie.
Z: I know. She should get some, what’s it called, Prozac or something.
J: Do you know what I thought was the best scene? When that blonde vampire guy went to live in the attic, whoever he was. I’m going to call him Duncan because he looked like a Duncan…
Z: No, he looked more like a Geoff!
J: He looked like a Hemsworth brother.
Z: No he looked like someone out of a band!
J: All of them did! It was suddenly like everyone be a grunge, goth dude you know? Anyway, when he came in and R-Patz had to say to her ‘He’s not very talkative’ or something…
Z: ‘He’s not a people person’
J: He’s not a people person! What was Bella’s whole thing in the first movie!? She was never a people person.
Z: No that’s why she smiled.
J: What, to acknowledge the irony of the situation? This movie wasn’t that smart. I just didn’t think there was any good acting, and Pattinson was so wooden.
Z: Yeah, but he’s pretty, so it’s fine.
J: You think he’s pretty? Really?
J: You don’t think that he’s got so much makeup on…
Z: Yeah but in person he’s pretty. Not like that.
J: There are going to be so many 12 year old girls who see that and have nightmares forever.
Z: I can’t get over the beheading. That was pretty gross.
J: Yeah and it’s never that clean cut, either. Some of his brains should have started dropping out the back of his head.
Z: Uh, no, this isn’t f---ing Paranomal Activity..
J: So was that an M-Rated movie?
Z: I hope so.
J: Seriously though, because between that and the sex scene, even though it was so benign that I swear Toy Story is worse than that.
Z: I love Toy Story.
J: The violence was cray.
Z: Cray cray.
J: Look, the problem is that as much as it was terrible, I didn’t actually hate it.
Z: I didn’t hate it either.
J: I don’t know why I didn’t hate it, though. I feel like I should havbe. But then it’s also like – bam! – here’s a Bon Iver song – bam! – here’s a Passion Pit song.
Z: It was great music.
J: But they all ended after like thirty seconds and then they’re arm-wrestling o na rock or running through the forest or something.
J: But you know why? They probably made it for your generation.
Z: Why, because we have ADD and we can’t be bothered?
J: Totally, right? Why would you want to concentrate on anything? Didn’t you just say that before we came in?
Z: No, that’s just because I have ADD.
J: Well if you have ADD and you’re relatively well put together, imagine the rest of them.
Z: (sarcasm)Thankyou! I’m so glad I’m relatively well put together. You’ve made my mission in life complete..
J: Are you finished? But I do feel sorry for Taylor Lautner.
Z: What a third wheel!
J: He’s not only a third wheel but he had to eat all of those steaks on set to stay buff and he only gets to take his shirt off twice.
Z: He’s huge.
J: He was only in a T-shirta few times and the rest of the time he was a CGI wolf. It’s really hard to keep your body at that level the whole time.
Z: But why shouldn’t he?
J: We’ll he’s not doing a bloody action movie
Z: BUT HE’S HOT
J: Yes, I know he’s hot, Zara. But what I’m saying is there was no end gain. Like, I think I saw the second film once and he really wasn’t wearing anything at all. He worked out for a purpose.
Zara muses on this point.
J: What would you give it out of 5?
Z: Out of 5?
J: Well at the beginning I was going for zero.
Z: (laughs) Me too! Up until that trip scene..
J: By ‘trip’ you mean trippy, right?
Z: Yes. That first movie was great. I was just thinking back to it. It was a good movie.
J: It was a good movie right? And everyone laughed at me when I said that but I thought it was cool.
Z: It was, I’d give it about a..hmmmm
J: Don’t think about it too hard. Given the movie as a whole.
Z: I don’t know! I was entertained…
J: Out of 5 Zara.
Z: (yawns) Nyeahhhhhhhh…
J: Ok. What was the last movie you saw in the cinema?
J: Was it the Sapphires?
Z: No it was Looper.
J: OK did you think that was good?
J: OK, so if Looper gets like, two. Would you give this two and a half, three?
Z: Two and three quarters.
J: You can’t f---ing do that. Do you know how long it takes them to colour in stars for reviews?
J: OK, I’m going to give it two and a half, because the end was-
Z: I win. They’re going to like me more! R-Patz is going to love me more than you.
J (laughs): He’s going to read this.
Z: What are we having for dinner? I can’t believe I ate a whole bag of lollies.