Top Ten Great Moments in Bad Films 2012
Who's saying what
Let’s get one thing straight: this list is in no way an endorsement of the following films. Pretty much all of them could in no way be understood as being “good”. But sometimes even in the most deliriously incompetent films there comes a moment where you have to stand up and applaud* the sheer audacity of the stupidity you’ve just witnessed. These are ten such moments.
*no actual applause took place.
10: Bait 3D: Because a guy made a shark cage out of supermarket shelves then wondered why he ended up dead.
9: Streetdance 2 3D: Because our hero, the reduced-to-begging dancer with nothing in the pockets of his popcorn sellers uniform but dreams, somehow had enough money to travel back and forth across Europe putting together the Ocean’s 11 of streetdance crews
8: Iron Sky: Because “Sarah Palin” was taking campaign advice for her Presidential election campaign from Nazis on the moon. In 2018. Which isn’t an election year.
7: Total Recall: Because you have to love a remake where the production company is called ORIGINAL FILMS.
6: Alex Cross: because Alex Cross is America’s smartest detective, a man who never gets anything wrong ever, so when his sidekick asks him “hey, do you think that deadly assassin is going to be pissed that we thwarted his assassination attempt” he says “Naah” with total confidence. Then the assassin promptly murders the sidekicks partner / girlfriend and guns down Cross’s wife. BUH-BOWW.
5: The Vow: Because the woman who loses her memory and forgets her entire marriage works at Café Mnemonic. Clearly Café Acquired Brain Injury wasn’t hiring that week.
4: That’s My Boy: Because it started out with a fourteen year old being sexually abused by his teacher and the whole school cheered when they found out.
3: Rock of Ages: because the whole movie felt like you were being punched in the head by one of Tom Cruise’s bodyguards while he shouted “ROCK N ROLL DREAMS COME TRUE” at you over and over again. Or perhaps just for the bit where Cruise sang into a woman’s arse.
2: Step Up 4: Miami Heat because the crack dance crew known as “The Mob” (“enough performance art – it’s time for protest art”) filmed all their flash mob antics with a camera hidden in a bread roll and got beaten in a youtube contest by a clip labelled “singing cat”.
1: Fun Size: Because a giant plastic chicken had sex with a car and DIDN’T STOP HUMPING IT.