Top 10 completely embarrassing tear-jerkers
Who doesn’t like
a good cry at the movies? Robots presumably, what with the rust problem and
that whole “what is this thing you humans call… love?” deal. Hey cyborgs, better cancel those tickets for The Fault in Our Stars.
But there’s a big difference between going to the movies expecting to bawl your eyes out and finding yourself sobbing uncontrollably during Mr Bean. There are times when your tear-stained cheeks are a badge of pride, a signal that you’re a member of the human race. And then there are times when they just make you look like a big stupid crybaby. These are the latter.
Specifically, the scene where Tom Hanks leaves the island and his faithful companion Wilson drifts away, after months of being our lone survivors only connection to humanity, never to be seen again.
Of course you’re going to cry at this, even without Hanks wailing in agony as his faithful friend is carried away from him by the waves. Only one problem: Wilson is a volleyball. You’re crying over a volleyball. Good luck explaining that next time you’re watching the AVL.
9. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
The bit where [SPOILER ALERT] Spock dies having saved the Enterprise from a nuclear meltdown while Kirk watches on helplessly, unable to save his best friend, is both seriously tragic and a perfect reminder that the recent Star Trek reboot – especially Into Darkness, which was basically a Khan remake – is pretty rubbish if you think about it.
But bawling your eyes out at a Star Trek movie? What’s next: sobbing over He-Man?
Oh God, cartoons are totally killer when it comes to ambush crying. Bolt – a recent Disney film about a dog that thinks he’s a superhero (he’s actually acting on a TV show) – isn’t even all that good. But there’s a scene towards the end where Bolt (who was stranded across country and has spent the entire film trying to get back to the TV set and his co-star/owner) finally makes it back home, only to discover the television show has replaced him. And his mistress is now playing with another dog that is… well, you know how it feels after a breakup when your ex moves on without you?
Imagine seeing that, only with cute cartoon puppies.
7. Million Dollar Baby
It’s the surprise third-act twist that turns what seems like a heart-warming tale of a female boxer (Hilary Swank) who becomes a champ under the guidance of her crusty old coach (Clint Eastwood, who also directs) into an eyeball fountain. Which is embarrassing enough.
But this is a Clint Eastwood movie: it’s basically the equivalent of tearing up when Clint blows a hole the size of a birthday cake in Scorpio at the end of Dirty Harry. You’re left crying in front of Clint Eastwood; if you could see through the tears, you just know he’d be sneering at you.
6: Take This Waltz
There’s a whole
range of films that could fit into this extremely embarrassing category: the
relationship movie that turns out to be a little too personally revealing. It’s
one thing to burst into tears at something like Beaches or The Notebook –
crying is pretty much the only reason people watch those films — but the reasons
why you’re crying are obvious.
It’s another thing entirely to start blubbering away because watching someone having a really fun date with someone who’s not their partner, reminds you of something that happened a fortnight ago and you know you can’t be with that person ever and now your partner is asking you why you’re crying at this film and you’ve got to make up some crap about how seeing Seth Rogan in movies makes you really sad.
(Continued next page)