Top 10 completely embarrassing tear-jerkers

Who doesn’t like a good cry at the movies? Robots presumably, what with the rust problem and that whole “what is this thing you humans call… love?” deal. Hey cyborgs, better cancel those tickets for The Fault in Our Stars

But there’s a big difference between going to the movies expecting to bawl your eyes out and finding yourself sobbing uncontrollably during Mr Bean. There are times when your tear-stained cheeks are a badge of pride, a signal that you’re a member of the human race. And then there are times when they just make you look like a big stupid crybaby. These are the latter.

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10. Castaway

Specifically, the scene where Tom Hanks leaves the island and his faithful companion Wilson drifts away, after months of being our lone survivors only connection to humanity, never to be seen again. 

Of course you’re going to cry at this, even without Hanks wailing in agony as his faithful friend is carried away from him by the waves. Only one problem: Wilson is a volleyball. You’re crying over a volleyball. Good luck explaining that next time you’re watching the AVL. 

 

9. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

The bit where [SPOILER ALERT] Spock dies having saved the Enterprise from a nuclear meltdown while Kirk watches on helplessly, unable to save his best friend, is both seriously tragic and a perfect reminder that the recent Star Trek reboot – especially Into Darkness, which was basically a Khan remake – is pretty rubbish if you think about it. 

But bawling your eyes out at a Star Trek movie? What’s next: sobbing over He-Man? 


8. Bolt

Oh God, cartoons are totally killer when it comes to ambush crying. Bolt – a recent Disney film about a dog that thinks he’s a superhero (he’s actually acting on a TV show) – isn’t even all that good. But there’s a scene towards the end where Bolt (who was stranded across country and has spent the entire film trying to get back to the TV set and his co-star/owner) finally makes it back home, only to discover the television show has replaced him. And his mistress is now playing with another dog that is… well, you know how it feels after a breakup when your ex moves on without you?

Imagine seeing that, only with cute cartoon puppies. 

 

7. Million Dollar Baby

It’s the surprise third-act twist that turns what seems like a heart-warming tale of a female boxer (Hilary Swank) who becomes a champ under the guidance of her crusty old coach (Clint Eastwood, who also directs) into an eyeball fountain. Which is embarrassing enough. 

But this is a Clint Eastwood movie: it’s basically the equivalent of tearing up when Clint blows a hole the size of a birthday cake in Scorpio at the end of Dirty Harry. You’re left crying in front of Clint Eastwood; if you could see through the tears, you just know he’d be sneering at you.

 

6: Take This Waltz

There’s a whole range of films that could fit into this extremely embarrassing category: the relationship movie that turns out to be a little too personally revealing. It’s one thing to burst into tears at something like Beaches or The Notebook – crying is pretty much the only reason people watch those films — but the reasons why you’re crying are obvious.

It’s another thing entirely to start blubbering away because watching someone having a really fun date with someone who’s not their partner, reminds you of something that happened a fortnight ago and you know you can’t be with that person ever and now your partner is asking you why you’re crying at this film and you’ve got to make up some crap about how seeing Seth Rogan in movies makes you really sad. 

 

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13 comments so far..

  • samuel172's avatar
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    samuel172
    Date and time
    Wednesday 04 Jun 2014 - 1:08 PM
    Sorry to be Buzz Killington, but Wilson (Castaway) is a volleyball, not a basketball. Which would actually make it the first recorded instance of someone getting emotional about the NBL. Nice one, Hanks.
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  • AnthonyMorris's avatar
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    AnthonyMorris
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    Wednesday 04 Jun 2014 - 1:55 PM
    They don't play NBL with a volleyball? But then how do they hit a home run?
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  • samuel172's avatar
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    samuel172
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    Wednesday 04 Jun 2014 - 2:30 PM
    Well they can, but only during State of Origin games. Bullseye.
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  • Marcus's avatar
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    Marcus
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    Wednesday 04 Jun 2014 - 3:01 PM
    Anthony currently being summarily executed, as is written in our Performance Reviews.
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  • AnthonyMorris's avatar
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    AnthonyMorris
    Date and time
    Wednesday 04 Jun 2014 - 3:11 PM
    It's the fact I'm being executed in a lethal game of dodgeball that stings the most. Well, that and being hit repeatedly with a volleyball.
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  • bb68's avatar
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    bb68
    Date and time
    Wednesday 04 Jun 2014 - 3:43 PM
    Toy Story 3 - I think the tear-jerker scene is when the boy (now a teenager) handed his toys to the new kid.
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  • AnthonyMorris's avatar
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    AnthonyMorris
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    Wednesday 04 Jun 2014 - 4:08 PM
    That final scene is a killer too, but it was the furnace scene that always wrecks me. There's probably a psychological study waiting to be done into the differences between the people who cry harder at one Toy Story 3 scene over the other.
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  • redgamer's avatar
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    redgamer
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    Wednesday 04 Jun 2014 - 9:27 PM
    Really agree with "Take this Waltz". There's something really depressing about the break up of that relationship - you feel for both of them, especially as she ends up in exactly the same place with her new lover as her ex-husband (sitting on the couch a bit bored). I almost teared up when she walks away from him for the last time. Toy Story 3 furnace scene also brilliant.

    Can't agree with "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas". That key scene just made me groan it was so incredulous.
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  • Maisy's avatar
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    Maisy
    Date and time
    Thursday 05 Jun 2014 - 9:31 AM
    'Up' was beautiful, 'Boy in Striped Pajamas' was shallow, dumb and exploitative, one of the worst examples of 'Holocaust porn'.
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  • Bob from Sandringham's avatar
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    Bob from Sandringham
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    Thursday 05 Jun 2014 - 9:49 AM
    Great list. I'd also put James Bond first. That film is completely awesome beginning to end, and the end is staggeringly sad. To me, Toy Story 3 is a double-hitter; that end sequence where he gives away his toys is so raw and beautiful, it had me weeping even more than the holocaust sequence. Apparently it is the only film since Bambi where grown men by their hundreds of thousands emerged from the cinema weeping. So Bambi definitely has to be in too, and another movie I would add is Fried Green Tomatoes - the opening is just about as sad and unexpected as Up!
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