Six minutes with Orlando Bloom

Orlando Bloom has a cold. So he says, no hand-shaking, please. Okey doke. Press junkets must be such incredibly dull things, dealing with a rotisserie chicken line of journalists, all trying to make things zany and fun for you. Like “Could you pose with this fake moustache? Because, haha! Musketeers!” So awful. One must only console oneself with the thought of one’s millions of dollars and A-list model wife. Junket itself actually means: a milk-based dessert, made with sweetened milk and rennet, the digestive enzyme which curdles milk.  Revolting! Look it up.

So this is a movie, about which I cannot speak – because it is embargoed, so I cannot speak very specifically about it, but rather in a roundabout way, because I have six scheduled minutes in which to probe Orlando Bloom about his role in it (see video results above) – a movie brought to you collectively by the people who brought you such film finery as the Resident Evil franchise, Alien vs Predator, Predators, and in the case of one screenwriter, Bridget Jones’s Diary. Are these people therefore qualified to bring to the screen The Three Musketeers, based upon the 1844 novel by Alexandre Dumas? In 3D? Sure, why not!?

In the screening reading these press notes, I’ll admit I was sort of really kind of looking forward to seeing it! What can be surmised: terrific pedigree for cinematic silliness, that's what. Orlando Bloom is in this movie, obviously, he was in -- among other industrial-entertainment-complex behemoths --Pirates of the Caribbean, a film franchise based on a theme park ride. And the young man who plays a lead role, Logan Lerman, was in something economically titled Perry Jackson and The Olympians: The Lightening Thief, which must count for something, and in any case he is very good looking!

Other things about the movie about which I cannot speak because it is embargoed: Paul W.S. Anderson has a strong fondness for the hot woman, actress/model Milla Jovovich, which is understandable because she is stupid-hot. The Predators reboot was cool enough, particularly the part where they realized they were on another planet because the sun wasn't moving. If you insist on remaking stuff, though (which, Hollywood, ugh. Stop.) Especially in the case of the original Predator, which is terrific. Replacing Ahnuld with Adrian Brody? Interesting.

So! In this film about which I cannot speak, because it is embargoed, the phrase “swash buckling good time,” has been taken quite literally. If you are between the ages of eight and twelve, presumably those who this film is targeted at, you are going to enjoy it enormously. And if you are chaperoning those small people to the cinema so they don’t follow weirdos to the candy bar, you might find it quite delightful, largely thanks to the Bridget Jones screenwriter who injects the script with a wonderful, wry British humour. For an action movie about daredevil swordplay is it almost entirely bloodless, which I found endearing. It is, after all, a kids film which prominently features enormous flying warships and death-defying acrobatic feats; it’s nice when a character is seen to dust himself off after a swordfight having not been beheaded, but rather being allowed to exit stage right, after delivering a witty bon mot.

All the lads and lasses are very good looking (see, Orlando Bloom), if they are young, and suitable wizened and serious, if they are older. Watching a bunch of British theatre actors delivering these lines is its own kind of amusement also, but don’t feel bad for them because you can see the money they are thinking about collecting off the gross points ticking over behind their serious eyes.

Further about this movie about which I cannot speak because it is embargoed: French people are British. British people are American. American people are French double-agents, or something. People will just have whatever accent they like and they will all speak English, whether we are in Paris, or Venice, or England, or wherever we are, sometimes it’s confusing – and there are a lot of characters – okay? It’s also a terrific opportunity for ornate costuming, sweeping, epically staged battle sequences which look like Dungeons and Dragons brought to life (sorry, there are no dragons) and genuinely eye-popping set design. It looks very expensive. At least, I’d say, with forty-five thousand times the budget of the last Resident Evil movie in which it really did look like some of the weapons were made of cardboard (I watched it on a plane. Don’t judge me!)

With everything looking so impressive, some words on studios making 3D films: please stop it. It’s starting to resemble someone out of control with a bedazzler: on a very rare occasion, a perfectly placed diamonte might really make an outfit sing (only a very particular outfit?), however, in the main, just sticking them everywhere makes everything look horrifying. Plus, our vision is not made to see things this way, it hurts our brains. Really, your eyes are often working just to stop your brain from rejecting what you’re seeing. Which, let us not lie, is really the most work your brain will do at a 3D movie. That is their appeal! I know. But I’d rather not feel like I was fending off a migraine the whole time. And in this movie about which I cannot speak because it is embargoed, there are two particularly climatic scenes where the 3D rendering is so distractingly awful that the moment is almost spoiled. If this embargoed movie comes out in regular old timey 2D, see that version.

In short: this is a very fun, if not a little overly long, embargoed movie about which I cannot speak, which sets itself up at the end for what will probably be about seven sequels, hopefully none of which will be in 3D. I would definitely take my kid to see this, if I had a kid. Do you have kids? Take them to this movie for me.

- Some amount of stars: not too many, not too little, I cannot review it because it’s embargoed.