How is it possible to have writers block about cupcakes, you guys? Because I've got to tell you this is my third crack at writing up an inoffensive little post about these cupcakes, and I've come to the conclusion that I have absolutely nothing clever to say about them. As a lifelong smartarse, this is a difficult admission to make. First I wrote a lengthy, rambling, potentially offensive anecdote about the Betty White episode of 'Saturday Night Live,' an anecdote that heavily depended on the phrase 'let her stay home and lez.' The second attempt was largely about R. Kelly somehow. This time I'm going to keep it simple: you should bookmark this recipe, or print it out and pin it to the fridge, or just put it somewhere safe. Veganism is spreading like Spanish influenza, and I can guarantee that, vegan or not, you will find yourself in a situation where you need a festive little vegan cake. This is your girl.

Here's the thing about vegans: they really are the original molecular chefs. Screw Ferran Adria and his foams, vegans were messing with the basic properties of foods long ago, especially vegan bakers. Animal products like butter and eggs are really just a bundle of leaveners, emulsifiers, binders and fats, and vegans have found countless substitutes. Which means some vegan baking recipes can be a touch, well, year nine chemistry, what with all the agar and fruit purees and agave nectar and kudzu and whatnot. This recipe, which I found through the ever-resourceful Jeanette, has none of those. It's actually a depression-era recipe, to give you an indication of the sort of ingredients involved. It comes together in minutes, and I like to whisk together the most basic of basic icings using soy cream cheese, Nuttelex and icing sugar. I've made these alongside old-fashioned egg and butter laden cakes and, let me tell you, the vegan cupcakes disappear much faster. This is a damned fine cake.

A note on the icing: I long ago bookmarked two posts on caramel, one from David Lebovitz and the other from The Guardian's Dan Lepard, and for some reason I decided now was the time to have a crack. The caramel icing worked beautifully, but I did learn one major thing. Pour your caramel through a sieve before using it. Seriously, you guys. A big hunk of burnt sugar got stuck in my icing tip, making it near-impossible to get any icing out of the bag. I wound up prodding the chunk back with a toothpick every few minutes, and my right wrist ached for days. Don't do as I do. Aside from that, caramel is cheap and easy and feels miraculous, so you should totally try this variation.

Also: cocoa. Cocoa is often treated as an afterthought, like chocolate's less impressive second cousin, but in a recipe like this it really, really pays to use the best cocoa you can. I buy Dutch-process cocoa whenever I can - your Drostes, Van Houtens, etc - and my cakes where near-black and deeply moist. Buy good cocoa.

Cupcakes. Small. Cute. Like cake-nano. The kind of birthday cake you can take to a bar that won't make the staff hate you. In this case, vegan. Command-D this shit, you guys.

Chocolate Cupcakes
Via Everybody Likes Sandwiches. Makes ~ two dozen mini cupcakes.
  • 1 1/2 cups flour
  • 1/2 cup cocoa
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  •  1 cup sugar
  • 1/2 cup neutral-tasting vegetable oil
  • 1 cup brewed coffee
  • 2 tsp vanilla
  • 2 tbsp white vinegar
Preheat oven to 180 degrees C. Whisk together flour, cocoa, salt, and baking soda in a large bowl. Combine oil, coffee and vanilla in a small bowl. Pour wet ingredients into dry and fold together. Whisk in the vinegar. You'll see white streaks form, just gently whisk to combine.

Line a cupcake tray with papers, and scoop out batter. You're aiming for 2/3 full. Bake for 8-10 minutes for mini, a little longer for bigger, until a toothpick inserted in the centre cupcake comes out clean. Allow to cool.

Caramel icing
  • A tub of soy cream cheese
  • 2 heaped tbsp Nuttelex or similar vegan margarine
  • 500g icing sugar
  • 1/2 cup white sugar
I followed David Lebovitz' directions for a dry caramel, so you might want to take a look at that post first. Put the sugar in a small, heavy saucepan. It should cover the bottom of the pan. Set over medium-high heat and cook, without stirring, until the edges start to bubble and darken. Use a heatproof spatula to drag the edges into the middle. Watch like a hawk. Cook until golden and liquid, then immediately remove from heat and beat 1tbsp of Nuttelex. Be careful - the caramel will bubble up and hiss malevolently.

Pour the caramel through a sieve into a heatproof bowl, rinse sieve clean promptly, and set aside.

In a large bowl beat together the soy cream cheese and second tablespoon of Nuttelex. Add the icing sugar, a little at a time, beating well after each addition. After you've added roughly 1/3 of the icing sugar beat in the caramel, then continue until you've used all the sugar. You may find you'll need a little more for adequate stiffness.

Ice your cakes as you see fit - I use a star tip, as a round tip is prone to making browner icings look like dog poo. I have learned this from bitter experience. Transport carefully.