The triple threat

Donald O’Connor, what a man. Donald O’Connor was the goods.

Donald was most memorable as Gene Kelly’s wise-cracking, tap dancing, harmonizing side kick in Singin’ In The Rain who famously sung ‘Make ‘em Laugh’ and did a backflip after running up a wall. Donald O’Connor was a triple threat. He could sing, act and dance (plus the man ran up a vertical surface and did a flip in the air, that’s pretty bloody special in my book, and my book contains many special things, like horsies).

It is my understanding that in the olden days being a triple threat like this was not only usual, but necessary. Many actors had various strings to their bows, giving them an edge over their competition. Of course there were also plenty of actors who’s only other talents were smiling nicely but the number of performers who were multi disciplinary in our grandparent’s generation seems to vastly outnumber those of our generation. These days people lose their shit when an actor can do anything other than read lines and stand in front of a green screen. When Christopher Walken appeared in Fatboy Slim’s film clip for ‘Weapon of Choice’, everyone I’ve ever known gushed, and they were right to, he’s a spectacular dancer who was trained as a Broadway hoofer.

And this is how I like my Hollywood actors- hard working and constantly learning new skills with which to entertain me. Frankly, if some one is going to be living in a mansion in LA off my cinema going buck, I want them to be able to do backflips off the walls of that mansion. I like to think that Jennifer Aniston can slide down the banister of her giant staircase and land on one knee with jazz hands out-stretched, that Matthew McConaughey plays incredible piano accordion to the echoing walls of his indoor swimming pool, that Kate Hudson can sing for her expensive, expensive supper.

Usually now days, performers have to learn these extra talents if the film in question calls for it but sometimes directors have no time for this. In Tim Burton’s recent Alice in Wonderland The Mad Hatter, played by Johnny Depp, breaks into a dance in a moment of triumph. What we saw on screen, however, was not Johnny Depp dancing. What we saw was Depp’s face, plastered onto the face of a dancer, using the aid of ‘computers’. Johnny Depp is a good actor, he’s been around the traps and proved his versatility, and I have a feeling that given the chance he would learn the steps for this 20 second dance number and perform them with finesse, but I guess Burton didn’t have the time to allocate a couple of days extra work for this. Lord knows he certainly had the money, but hey, why get a person to do what a computer can do for you? This is, after all, the new millennium.

Musicals aren’t as popular these days, which makes the call for the triple-threat actor less common. We have the odd performance by Hugh Jackman or Catherine Zeta-Jones that makes us slap our collective knee in a show of “well whaddaya know”, but if I may be frank, I want more. I want my entertainers to be super human. I want them to sing, dance, juggle, unicycle, and do tricks on horsies. What’s more I want them to do it constantly, and in the public eye, like court jesters. I want to aim a gun to the feet of the Hollywood glitterati and shout “DANCE!” I don’t want to sit in the cinema and scoff at the screen, “I could do that”. I want to feel the same way about these people that feel about astronauts or elite athletes. I want to admire the amount of effort they have put into a role- not think about how I could be a star too if only someone CGI-ed my face onto a break dancers. But then, I am an egomaniac, and aren’t we all? Reality TV talent quests have emboldened us so much that we all think we can be stars, which sadly isn’t true. (To combat this for the next generation of kids I’m inventing a toy called the ‘Humble-Bee’, which has five catchy phrases like “what… this old thing?” and only does pollen dances in the privacy of its own room.)

It probably should also be remembered that there are times when the triple threat threatens very little else than the credibility of the performer. Remember when Scarlett Johansson released a CD of Tom Waits songs, much to the disdain of the critics? Or Centre Stage, in which incredible ballet dancers like Ethan Stiefel played main roles. Performances which, and I don’t think I’d be out of line saying this, were horrendous.

It should be noted that the problem of lack-lustre stars also existed in the days of Donald O’Connor, in fact it comprises of much of the plotline for Singin’ In The Rain. The Character of Lina Lamont played by Jean Hagen is a star of silent films who struggles to make it the world of talkie movies because she has the voice of The Cracken. In the movie the other characters have the brilliant idea of over-dubbing Lina’s speech with the voice of Kathy Seldon, played by Debbie Reynolds. In real life, however, Debbie Reynold’s songs are actually sung by Jean Hagen, because Debs wasn’t a good enough singer. So when we watch Debbie singing for Jean it is actually Jean singing in the first place. I know right? As Bart Simpson would say, the ironing is delicious.

Incidentally, a typo when I was writing this made me think about making a porno called Sinnin’ In The Rain, starring several triple threat porn-stars, of which I’m sure there are barrel loads around. Realistically though I have a feeling their threats might be a while lot more threatening.

For now my book will still comprise largely of tap-dancing stars from the 50’s and horsies. In fact Donald O’Connor starred in Francis the Talking Mule, and a mule is almost a horsie.