I wouldn't want to be a teenager growing up today.
Not because of the "sexualisation of teens", or peer pressure, or because it would mean I'd have to take maths all over again (the theme of many an anxiety dream, let me tell you).
No, if given the cosmic chance to avoid adolescence at the turn of the decade, I would opt out if for no reason other than the decided lack of decent television programming for young adults.
There, I said it.
Now, it's true, I don't make a point of obsessively watching the young adult portion of the day's television programming, but it doesn't take much to see that teens today are getting short-changed.
From the wishy washy
Blue Water High to the various incarnations of Miley Cyrus, only
Skins has any real bite, and you could spend a long time questioning whether that show was really made for teens, or just about them (I'd put money on the latter).
Compare this to the period that stretched from the early-'80s to the mid-'90s and today's teen television landscape is a barren one indeed.
I have often descended into the verbal equivalent of a King Street knifing when discussing, with friends and acquaintances, which of the decade's teen/young adult drama series was, in fact, the best, so I hope to invite you all in to my personal 3am brawl by throwing the field wide open and assessing some of the contenders.
Here are three of my favourites (I'd also like to make brief mention of
Ship To Shore, even though technically it falls just outside of the 'young adult' realm); I expect to see yours on my desk by the end of class.
READY OR NOT
Oh Amanda Zimm and Elizabeth "Busy" Ramone, how I loved you:
Perhaps a little less ingrained in the popular consciousness than its fellow Canadian export
Degrassi,
Ready Or Not nevertheless remains one of my most cherished teen television experiences. The travails of Amanda and "Busy" - first periods, makeup (to this day, if I make the mistake of wearing red nail-polish I squeal "My nails look dipped in blood!" just like Busy), buying a bra for the first time - seemed to match my own experience shifting from primary school to high school and beyond.
And look, Ryan Gosling!
Flashy American shows like
90210 were hopelessly alien to me, but there was something about
Ready Or Not that was endlessly comforting. It's a shame it hasn't enjoyed the same retrospective glow as other teen series, but it's still one of my all-times.
(Plus Busy's band name - Neon Vomit - was heaps better than Joey Jeremiah's Zit Remedy.)
DEGRASSI JUNIOR HIGH / DEGRASSI HIGH
It's true, "teens today" do have the option of watching
Degrassi: The Next Generation, which gamely attempts to continue the fine work done by its predecessors, but it can only ever be a hollow imitation of the twin paragons of '80s teen drama. There must be something in the water up there in Canadaland, as they've produced many of the better young adult shows in memory.
I vividly recall bolting home from school to see what was going to happen on
Degrassi, even if I really understood only snippets of the intense drama that always seemed to be churning around Wheels & Co. (I remember being particularly perturbed by the eating disorder story thread. "Why is she eating all those chocolate biscuits? Why is she in the toilet? Wh-AAAARRRGGHH!!")
Who can forget It's Late?
Teen pregnancy may have been an alien concept to me - as was teenagerdom! - but I found the story compelling nonetheless. It's hard to top Degrassi, but then on the home front we have...
HEARTBREAK HIGH
If you've not heard this theme song since you were studying for your Year 10 exams, prepare for the nostalgia equivalent of a catastrophic epileptic fit:
It is an unquestionable crime against humanity that
Heartbreak High has never made it to DVD (something boring and complicated about syndication rights, or something, last time I checked) because not only was it one of the greatest teen dramas of all time, it holds up well as a drama, full stop.
The show also ushered in my second favourite hysterical Australian television romantic coupling after Shane and Angel - Anita and Drazic!
Remember when Drazic made Anita shoplift, and then he told her off for stealing "minty cigarettes" (menthols)? Good times!
Perhaps it's because Hartley High vaguely resembled every other Australian state school, but there was something about
Heartbreak High that struck at the heart - ho ho - of an entire generation of Australians.
If there is a god of popular culture, one day I will be able to buy the entire show on DVD. Until then I'll be happy to reminisce to the tune of terrible Australian indie music from the mid-'90s, and randomly bark "DRAZIC!" every now and again.