'Packed To The Rafters' is real car crash TV

I haven't watched Packed To The Rafters - beyond occasional mid-channel-surf snippets or doctor's waiting room glances - since I last wrote about it for Tube Ray Army back in the olden times.

So when I was laid out after inhaling half a container of Chocolate Royals and a bottle of moscato yesterday during the Cup Day coverage, you can imagine how this piqued my interest:



Yes, there's nothing that gets me tuning into terrible soapies like the threat of death.

(Their deaths, that is, not mine.)

You see, when it comes to Australian dramedies and soapies, I'm a little like Harry Burns in When Harry Met Sally. He always reads the last page of a book when he starts reading a new one, just in case he dies before the end.

I like to watch soapies whenever someone's about to get stabbed/killed/murdered/dispatched via explosion.

I've seen them all - the last handful of exits from Home & Away, the plane crash that consumed that irritating "Eastern European" family on Neighbours, Toadie and Dee's post-wedding car crash into the ocean that's right next to Werribbee mansion... In short, it's a passion of mine.



So how did Australia's Favourite Family deal with the spectre of death?

Quite well, as it turns out.

The episode began with one of the show's daggy voiceovers, as Ben Rafter (Hugh Sheridan) was in bed with his wife Mel (Zoe Ventoura), mumbling in his head about how some moments are like perfect bubbles.

I could see the theme emerging a mile off.

And then, wouldn't you know it, when Ben trots off to Rafters HQ to get some eggs to make an eggwhite omelette for Mel (because he wants to get her pregnant, eh, eh), mystical old Grampaw Rafter (Michael Caton) was in the kitchen blowing bubbles for the baby Rafter, which he apparently used to do for all the Rafters kids when they were little.

"Plenty more where they came from," says Ben to the baby.

UH OH! I THINK THAT'S A METAPHOR!!

But for those of us who are a bit slow on the uptake, never fear - a few minutes later Ben is farewelling Mel as she heads off to work, and his trusty voiceover appears once more to tell us "If I had known my perfect bubble was about to burst, I never would have let her go".

So far, so mushy. Get to the carnage!!

Aaaanyway, so Mel and Ben lament the lack of romance in their lives (beyond scrambling each others' eggs), so they set up a romantic rendezvous.

He gets all suited up and books a room. But - oh noes - she's held back at work, which means she'll be flustered and running late when she eventually leaves work to meet him, right?

RIGHT!

So she's in the car, and the phone rings. DON'T PICK UP, IT'S YOUR HUSBAND, HE WANTS TO KILL YOU!!



Fortunately - OH THE IRONY - Mel says "Sorry babe, driving", because she's a conscientious driver, and she's not going to let a mobile phone distract her at a time like this!

THEN, the song that reminds Ben of her comes on the radio!

But wait, it's COLPLAY'S FIX YOU!!!

That's right, a funereal ballad reminds him of his soon-to-be-dead wife.

UH OH x 2!

And then Mel "Not Now, I'm Driving" Rafter looks down to press repeat on the message, Chris Martin whines a little louder, and... KABLAMMO!


Mere minutes later, the doorbell rings at Young Rafters HQ (as opposed to Old Rafters HQ, where Grampaw and Rebecca Gibney live - forgive me, I'm not all up on the names), and the housies are met by two Police doing the international facial sign-language for "His wife just died":


Broseph Rafters then goes to get Ben from the hotel room, where he's blowing BUBBLES in the BUBBLE BATH, because BUBBLES suddenly burst and there are no more perfect BUBBLES in his life.

Yep.

And then they fire up some Sia, which as anyone who watched Six Feet Under will know, is code for "bad times ahead".

And then Ben greets his brother at the hotel door, and his sex-face turns to a sadface:


From then, it's mad sads all round, using the by now traditional Australian dramedy technique employed when someone is Taken From Us Too Soon (i.e. a sad song playing with slightly slow motion footage and no dialogue in a hospital).

All in all, despite what the tone of this post may suggest, it was quite well done (though I would say that Season One of Love My Way did it better than anyone before or after).

Or at least, they were doing it quite well, until Grampaw Rafter and his magical bubble bottle appeared again, right after Ben had looked at his (presumably mangled, since we didn't see her face) wife in the bloody morgue!!


Babies are heaps innocent n shit! Metaphoralicious!

Will I ever watch Packed To The Rafters again? Call me when someone else is about to kick the TV bucket. And make sure they leave the bubble mix on the shelf.