I realised something this morning: I used the phrase "greatest of all time" a helluva lot (almost as much as Muhammad Ali or Tobler1).

In fact, it was one of my organisational tags on my old blog, which had so many posts it took nearly eight hours to systematically delete the whole thing, so that ought to give you an idea of how often the tag "greatest of all time" was used.

I'm pretty sure it was even used to describe this GIF:



The thing is, I have fairly catholic tastes (a quick glance at my Rotten Tomatoes critic profile will tell you that), and I also like to consider myself, as Lester Bangs once put it, a crusader on behalf of neglected genius, especially when it comes to those moments in cinema that have been unfairly overlooked. Citizen Kane? Whatever. But let me TELL YOU about this song and dance routine...

Anyway, you know how when you're trying to change your eating habits, they tell you to make a food diary so you can see how many times in a week you've eaten condensed milk straight from the tube/chitlins/green Skittles/strawberry milk?

I thought I would do that with a sampling of the cinematic things that I have, either in conversation or online, described as either "the greatest of all time" or its more moderate sibling, "one of the greatest of all time".

That way I can get a better grip on exactly what it is that leads me to think of greatness, or stop drinking strawberry milk, or something. Everybody hold hands and be welcoming, this is going to be tough... My name is Clem and I'm a misplaced hyperbole addict.

"Hi, Clem."

Thanks guys. Okay, here we go:

A SHORT LIST OF THINGS THAT I HAVE DESCRIBED AS "ONE OF THE GREATEST CINEMATIC MOMENTS OF ALL TIME" IN THE PAST WEEK

1. When the Angelyne billboard decapitates a news reporter in The Day After Tomorrow

(Skip to 4:50-mins)

For those who aren't aware of the amazing self-styled superstar model/actress and Los Angeles identity Angelyne, during the '80s and '90s she had "investors" assist her in erecting (ho ho) billboards and advertisements around Hollywood featuring her in various states of undress.



That Emmerich saw fit to include her billboard - as well as the Capitol Records tower and HOLLYWOOD sign - in his wholesale destruction of L.A. is indicative of the level of cultural depth people might not initially pick up on in my favourite ridiculous disaster movie.

2. Joe Wright's Pride & Prejudice
I've already discussed this at length, but what the hell, go read it again.

3. Specifically, this series of shots in Joe Wright's Pride & Prejudice:

Love you, Brenda Blethyn! Love you, pig's nuts!

4. Elijah Kelley performing Run And Tell That in Hairspray


Back in the day they would have called this a "star-making performance", or something like that, only for reasons unknown to modern science Elijah Kelley didn't end up a superstar after this spectacular effort in Adam Shankman's wonderful Hairspray. Clearly because people are blind and/or deaf and/or immune to immense on-screen charisma.

5. Chopping Mall security robots have no patience for sexually active teens

(NSFW unless your work is cool with exploding heads and women's lingerie)

In Jim Wynorski's underrated 1986 'final girl' critique of consumer culture (or something), there are many fabulous scenes, but the finest is when Suzee Slater's Leslie gets her head exploded by one of the least scary robots in cinema history. It's just as good, if a little less slow-mo elegant, as Scanners' effort - and you know Wynorski is a genius because this is Slater's title card in the closing credits:



Look, I could go on (and will, in this blog and other parts of the internet), but what's funny is that instead of the abject horror that a "food diary" is supposed to elicit in its author, I look back at this short list and think "No, I'm right, these ARE amazing moments in cinema".

So I guess this 12-step program isn't for me. I'll see you next week with more earnest and possibly misplaced enthusiasm.