My favourite television show has the most disturbing fans

It may say something about my troubled psyche, but without a doubt the only show I make a point of sitting down to watch (and shushing all while doing so) with any regularity is Law & Order: SVU.

There's nothing I like more than firing up the heater, making a large plate of something with questionable nutritional value, and sitting down to a few hours of rapists, underage sex, child kidnappings, misdiagnosed syphilis, ransom calls and the UV light thingy that shows how much semen there is all over the walls of pay-by-the-hour hotels (oh hang on, that was Today Tonight).

In last night's episode, Babes (as in "in the woods"/"from the mouths of", not "hot, naked" or "1900"), buzz topics touched on included, in vague order, Bumfights/homeless bashings, True Love Waits, teenage pregnancy, teenage pregnancy pacts, cyberbullying and the Megan Meier case, all topped off with a big bowl of strawberry ice-cream a hilarious mention of "Google Earth".

(And then there was the bit where, discussing online mores, Munch deadpanned "Now Grandma emails Two Girls One Cup with the sign-off 'LOL'!")

In short, you can always count on SVU to bleed their "The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event" disclaimer dry with a soupçon of wit and verve (mostly thanks to the hysterical screwball repartee between Ice T's "Fin" Tutuola and Richard Belzer's John Munch).

Sure, you could probably draw some unsavoury conclusions about great drama needing to feature sexual deviants and at times worrying gender politics, but there are two reasons most people keep coming back to SVU: Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson.

It's true: I, like many SVU fans, keep coming back to the show because of the excellent URST (un-resolved sexual tension for those who were asleep during the '90s) between Benson and Stabler.

What's best about SVU, unlike TV's previous 'best URST' couple (The X Files' Mulder and Scully) is that the producers have, in effect, stated that Benson and Stabler will never get together. Fans, then, have to be content with every minute glimpse or smile or occasional hug that the cops share. Like this one:


Most fans, that is.

Because SVU might be my favourite show on the box, and it may be one of television's most consistently high-quality hours of drama, but it also has another less impressive claim to fame: SVU fanfic. And these weirdos are a subset of viewers who aren't content to dine on the crumbs of URST that Dick Wolf & Co. dish up each week: they want more.

I stumbled upon a smattering of the stuff one evening during one of those interminable stream-of-consciousness Googling sessions; looking for an interview with actress Mariska Hargitay unfortunately landed me in Fanficville, population: ewwwwww.

"He turned back to the waiter and began to order in French. Olivia's mouth went dry while other parts of her body began to grow damp. The way the words slid off of his tongue like honey was incredible. She told herself that she shouldn't be feeling this way for her partner. She had tucked those emotions away during her stay in Oregon. She tried to convince herself that it was just nerves.

[...]

Heat surged through their bodies as they kissed. Instinctively, she parted her lips and his tongue raided the sweet cavern of her mouth. It felt so natural to have Elliot pressed against her, holding her close to him. The feeling she had gotten back at the restaurant returned full force, and as the kiss deepened, it felt as if the stars had collided and were exploding."

That's just a taste (ewwww) of the gold at SVUfiction.com (gluttons for punishment can read the rest here - and believe me, it gets much, much worse). But SVU fanfic writers haven't been content to soil the written word; no, now they extend their grubby paws to YouTube as well!