In the name of starting the new year afresh there’s some emotional baggage I need to get rid of; to haul out of the wardrobe and drop in the Vinnie’s bin of painful memories.

Here goes.

As a child I may have been sexually attracted to a cartoon dog.

No, wait. Honesty is key here. It’s the only way forward. I am prepared to state today that I was absolutely, irrevocably, undeniably in love with Charlie B. Barkin, the German shepherd from All Dogs go to Heaven (1989). He was my first celebrity crush and sent my heart a-flutter like no one else.

Just to labour the point, this is a cartoon dog.

When I say sexually attracted, I should probably clarify that I was around six or seven years old and knew very little about sexuality or sex itself. I was probably aware of the fundamentals of where babies came from but I doubt I would have associated that act with fun. To me, the sum of love had more to do with hugging and kissing and having a wedding, and less to do with no-pants time. I’m sure the sexiest thing I could think of at that age was seeing a boy in his pyjamas. What I'm saying is that it isn’t like I had specific ideas about Charlie B. Barkin. Nor was I randomly sexually attracted to just any fictional dog, I wasn’t having fantasies about Pluto or Scooby Doo. Charlie B. Barkin was anthropomorphised and voiced by Burt Reynolds, and he was sexy as hell.




All Dogs Go To Heaven is a film situated within, in my opinion, a cannon of genius; the children’s films of Don Bluth. Don Bluth also gave us An American Tail (1986), and The Land Before Time (1988) – childhood VCR favourites of many children. His films stood boldly against the hey day of Disney animation, presenting slightly darker, slightly more confronting stories for children of the the 1980's and 1990's. (This combined with the tragic real-life story of one of his star actresses, Judith Barsi, imbue the films with a very dark quality indeed).

Charlie B Barkin was a classic anti-hero who gambled, drank (seriously, he drank beer), and cheated death. He was tall, strapping, with broad shoulders, a good head of hair- in fact he had a good face, legs, torso, and tail of hair too. Sure, he was a bit scruffy, a bit of a knock-about bloke, but he was quick-witted and despite his façade of being a lone wolf who didn’t need nuffin or nobody, he had a deeply protective personality which was coaxed out by the little orphan girl he befriended.

He was best friends with a little girl. I WAS A LITTLE GIRL! It was meant to be.

To be honest with you, Charlie B Barkin wasn’t the only cartoon character I had these questionable feelings about either. There was also Jake, the cavalier charmer of a mouse from The Rescuers Down Under (1990), and in later years I must admit that I found adult Simba to be a down-right hunk.

Perhaps even more worrying than the fact that Charlie was a dog, was the kind of dog he was. He was a rough character, he'd done time and lied and cheated with zeal. He certainly wasn't the kind of dog one would take home to mother, but with a sly wink he was a rather exciting prospect for a small-town girl like me. I knew Charlie. He was misunderstood. He just needed my help. Sure, one day, long into the future, I might feel the back of his heavy, drunken paw. When he'd run our funds dry and our baby/puppy hybrids were naked on the floor, fighting over an old dry bone; then I might sigh and regret the love I once felt for that handsome dog. Young love knows no bounds but thankfully, physics and reality does, and I was prevented from this horrible fate.

Right now I'm struggling with exactly how weird and embarrassing this is. I mean, at the time cartoons were my primary manual to the world. The prism through which all life's lessons and morals filtered through to my malleable brain. Perhaps my crush on Charlie was just a stepping stone, an nonthreatening introduction to love until I found a real, human male to direct my affections toward. I'm sure I'm not the only one that has ever been attracted to a cartoon. For example Jessica Rabbit was the pair of boobs face that launched a thousand adolescent ships, but is crossing the inter-species line too strange?

By the way, did I mention Charlie B Barkin was voiced by Burt Reynolds? That's this guy



and this guy



and this guy.



Its funny, naked Burt Reynolds does have quite a dog-like look about him, really. In fact, the longer I look at pictures of young Burt Reynolds, naked or not, the easier I find it to reconcile this crush. My child self and my present self are finding a common, furry, ground. Perhaps I'm not so weird after all. Woof.