I have so many feelings about 'Game of Thrones'

I once went home with a guy only to wake up and discover he owned more Lord of the Rings and Star Wars collectibles than I own shoes. And that’s no mean feat - I own A LOT of shoes. Suffice to say I hightailed it out of there before you could say “Luke, I am your father” and only went back a couple of hundred more times when I really felt like playing with his sword (amazingly, that’s not a metaphor). I am telling you this because it vaguely relates to the topic at hand and also because I wanted to know, just for a moment, what it felt like to be Carrie Bradshaw. I can’t help but wonder if this was a really bad idea. Let’s never speak of it again.

I’ve never really been into the fantasy genre. I never read The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, nor did Tolkien ever tickle my literary fancy (though I’ll confess to losing my cinematic shit over the Lord of the Rings film franchise). And much to the horror of pretty much everyone I’ve ever met I’ve neither read nor seen anything to do with Harry Potter. I have nothing against the bespectacled boy wonder there’s just always been other books I wanted to read more, other films I wanted to see. Sure I love The Neverending Story and The Princess Bride, but I believe even Beelzebub himself would fall into a whimsical stupor of childlike love over them.

What I am into, however, is television. So when everybody I know, as well as many I don’t, started raving about this new fantasy TV series Game of Thrones I was conflicted. But curiosity won out in the end, as did the fear of being the only kid in the sandpit who hadn’t seen it.So far I have seen three episodes of this truly epic new series and I have so many feelings about it I don’t even know where to start telling you about them. Please bear with me as I try and make sense of them. Or stop reading now. I'm not the boss of you.

So I'm three episodes in and I pretty much have no idea what's going on. I'm not sure if this is because the show's premise is so complex it takes a while to digest, or because I'm just not very bright. From what I can gather there is one family of very good looking people and they are frenemies with another family of very good looking people, and that second family is the royal family and some of them may or may not be evil. Plus there are some very good looking Albino-esque siblings on an island somewhere who believe they should rule the world and in order to do so the hot sister has married a hot warrior dude who has very long hair and only likes doing it doggy style. Then there's some lonely looking dudes who only wear black and live in the snow playing with their swords and talking about how they've had sex. And basically all these various groups of people are very intense and interconnected, and quite often someone gets their head cut off. OH LOOK A WOLF!    

Apparently there are various websites on which I can read summaries and analyses of each episode in my attempt to make sense of the show, but so far I have resisted the urge to visit them as that sounds too much like homework and I don't like homework. One thing that requires no explanation is the fact that there are BOOBS EVERYWHERE! And also BOTTOMS! For if Game of Thrones is clear on anything it is that people in ye olde fantasy days liked being naked and having sex. Or at least the women liked being naked and the men liked having sex (often still fully clothed). I am not going to get all ranty about exploitation and inequality as I believe that's best left to people much smarter than me. But I definitely feel that with the incredible amount of gratuitous mammary shots throughout each episode, it would be nice to see some male rude bits every now and then. It's only fair.

Lastly I want to talk about my emotions about Peter Dinklage, who plays the ale-loving, womanising dwarf, Tyrion Lannister. I have long since been a fan of the height challenged, incredibly sexy actor, having seen his stellar work in The Station Agent, Death at a Funeral, and a host of other films and TV shows. But in Game of Thrones he outdoes himself and I would argue steals the show. And in a cast including the wonderful Sean Bean, the beautiful Lena Headey, and a  smorgasbord of talented and ridiculously high cheekboned actors of full stature, that is no mean feat. Dinklage provides not only the (extremely black) comic relief, but is an incomparable pleasure to watch and I thank the makers of Game of Thrones for giving him a role in which to so thoroughly shine.

So there you have it, all my feelings about Game of Thrones thus far laid bare for all to read. Here's a summary of the main points should you want to relay them to your friends without reciting the entire post: BOOBS! BOTTOMS! NO PENISES! SEX! WOLVES! SWORDS! CHEEKBONES! PETER DINKLAGE! WOO!