A lot of amazing television has been made in the last few years. Critically acclaimed shows such as The Wire, Breaking Bad, 30 Rock and Mad Men have contributed to what I would argue is somewhat of a small screen renaissance. And the advent of DVD box sets and, of course, the Internet now mean that whole seasons, nay whole series’, can be devoured in a single weekend (provided one has a stocked fridge and a functioning toilet). Plus, it’s winter, so who wants to leave the house anyway?

At present, new seasons of True Blood, Friday Night Lights, and Parks and Recreation are perched atop my coffee table waiting to be watched, and my friends tell me that if I don’t watch the apparent soft-porn bonanza that is Game of Thrones soon I will become a social outcast at dinner parties. And yet, with so much new and exciting television on offer, plus the threat of becoming Nigel No-Friends hanging over me, all I want to watch is Law and Order: SVU. Sure, it’s not the classiest show on television, nor the funniest, nor best written. It’s not even the best iteration of the Law and Order franchise. But it’s mine and I love it. Like a tattered security blankie. Or crack.

When asked to write a TV column for this here illustrious online publication, I immediately wanted to build a case in defence of SVU (see what I did there, with the “build a case” metaphor?), but instead of waxing lyrical about all the reasons why I love this depraved and arguably quite terrible show, I have chosen instead to present to you the many things the show has taught me over the years. For Law and Order: SVU is nothing if not educational.

Let’s examine the evidence...

Ten things I have learned from Law and Order: SVU

1. That everybody on earth - even your son, even your mother - is hiding something, and more often than not that something is the fact they are evil, lying, cheating perverts.
2. That Ice T is black. This apparently means he can “put the word out” “on the street”, and also that he can go undercover and fit in amidst “the people” because he looks shady in a hoodie.
3. That more people than you would imagine have sex dungeons in their basements*. You probably have one you don’t even know about it. Go check, I dare you.
4. That Detective Elliot Stabler (Christopher Meloni) is the perfect man - devoted husband and father, crusader for the used and abused, sex god - and anyone who says different is obviously both blind and wrong.
5. That all IT specialists and people who have anything to do with a computer are either Asian or look like Michael Moore.
6. That the whole American-cops-eat-a-lot-of-donuts myth is categorically untrue. They eat pretzels, hot dogs and the occasional late night Chinese takeout. It’s possible none of them have ever seen a vegetable.
7. That Detective Olivia Benson’s (Mariska Hargitay) sexuality is like truth serum for perverts. Just put her in a room with a rapist and a low cut shirt and he’ll be waiving Miranda in no time**.  
8. That the FBI are a bunch of bullies, who will swoop in and take over/shut down a case without ever saying “please” or “thank you” or “wow you look particularly hot today, Detective Olivia Benson, did you do something with your hair”.
9. That it’s apparently okay to show images of borderline child pornography on television as long as they are presented as evidence on Law and Order: SVU.
10. That the most horrifying sexual fetish anyone has ever entertained, other than those involving bodily fluids and/or corpses, is getting one’s jollies watching a lady in high heels squash cockroaches underfoot.

Personally I think there’s something in there for all of us. Case closed.


*Factoid actually provided by fellow student of the School of Law and Order, Elmo Keep.
**Not a metaphor.