Have you ever been to a party where someone has decided to play DJ? You know, they stand up, tell everyone they're going to "bring the mad tunes" (or something like that), then plug in their iPod/grab a stack of CDs, and get spinning.

Only halfway through one song, they have a great idea for a follow-up, stop the current track dead, then put on the next. This process is repeated for at least an hour until a) they get bored or a.i) drunk, or b) someone drags them kicking and screaming from the stereo system.

I get the feeling that everyone involved in Channel Nine's programming department does exactly this at parties.

Never in my long history of television viewing have I encountered a network less able to allow a series to screen in its entirety, or in the correct order, or at the same time each week, or without large and inexplicable gaps between episodes/seasons.

Their most recent example of this approach to programming? The blink-and-you'll-miss-it prime-time season of Dance Your Ass Off. Here's a sample of what was to come (you can watch Nine's promo here):




Unless you can be arsed watching Nine on a Saturday afternoon (i.e. not likely), that's about all you'll see of the show, which - after weeks of Dancing With The Stars-esque promo frenzy during the network's other programming - Nine unceremoniously axed after ONE EPISODE.

They banished the show to Saturdays at 1.30pm, which as we all know, is where programming goes to die.

Until their digital channel, Go!, launches later in the year and Dance can be slotted in there in a more generous (ahem) timeslot, the vacated slot will be filled with Two And A Half Men repeats. Now that's what I call relevant programming!

The issue here isn't that they've dumped a really good show into a terrible time-slot - from most reports, Nine's having picked up Dance Your Ass Off (from American cable channel Oxygen) was a half-baked attempt to cash in on the ratings gold that is both The Biggest Loser and Dancing With The Stars/So You Think You Can Dance.

No, it's that this is just another example of Nine's near-pathological inability to stick with a show and ride out the inevitable shaky beginning. Who's to say Dance wouldn't have become the guilty pleasure of the year and seen its ratings increased from the clearly unforgivable 797,000 to something more becoming? We'll never know, of course, because Nine doesn't like to sit out the storm and see how shows' audiences grow.

Compare that to regular ratings-winner Ten, who are prepared (within reason) to allow shows  to develop an audience - or at least give them a decent chance to grow one. Not every show debuts in the millions, and Ten (and to a lesser extent, Seven) know that.

Witness their cultivation of The 7PM Project; some critics (both real and armchair) reckon the show is on shaky ground, but Ten have committed to developing the show and I would bet decent money on 7PM growing into a viewer favourite; the network has been refreshingly honest about the fact that the show will garner nowhere near MasterChef's insane ratings (the finale was the third most-watched show in Australian television history), and that's okay.

By contrast, Nine is like a kid with a science kit who throws the whole thing out the window in floods of belligerent tears when they fail to put together a working space shuttle on their first attempt.

Just look at the charnel house of shows that Nine boned or shifted to an obscure timeslot after either one or a few episodes: THIS Afternoon, Canal Road, My Kid's A Star, The Catch-Up, Monster House... The list is very, very long.

Nine also seem to have an aversion to showing entire seasons of viewer-favourite shows; fans of The Sopranos will be only too aware of this frustrating tendency.

Couple that with brilliant programming decisions like considering picking up the dumped and desperate Big Brother franchise and, oh, giving Clare "Chk Chk Boom" Webeloff HER OWN TELEVISION SHOW, and Nine's credibility is plummeting down the toilet faster than a lead turd.

Indeed, it feels like a long, loooong time since Nine could claim to be "Still The One" and have the statement feel even remotely honest.

So, tell me this: do you watch anything on Nine (besides Funniest Home Videos, natch)? Were you planning on giving Dance Your Ass Off a go? Exactly how would you like Clare Werbeloff to die?

My answers, in order, are: "no (but yes, naturally)", "yes", and "slowly, and hooked up to YouTube via pay-per-view webcam".