Hey guys, I didn't make it to your party on Sunday night, but lots of my friends did, and they kept me up to date with plenty of text messages and Twitter updates. I even managed to catch a few of the highlights yesterday. I hope the post-party cleanup wasn't too much of a chore on Monday!



Between Bob Katter - he loves music, doesn't he? - mispronouncing your name and Steve Kilbey drinking your parents' booze stash, it all went a bit pearshaped. It's a wonder one of your neighbours didn't call the cops.

I know it's tough putting on a party, but let's face it, the whole ARIA Awards thing hasn't really been going that well for a while now, has it?

Remember back in 2007, when your mates at Roving got everyone in trouble for using subliminal advertising during the party?



I mean, that wasn't your fault, Fremantle, but that's what ARIA gets for inviting troublemaking friends to the party.

This, year, though, it was just the two of you - ARIA and Fremantle Media - and I have to say IT WAS YOUR OWN FUCKING FAULT.



Jesus Christ on a bike, I don't have to have suffered through the entire two-plus hours to know that the ARIA Awards telecast for 2010 was an embarrassment of the highest order.

How does it happen, guys, seriously? Are you, Fremantle, so concerned about your market share that you have to boot radio/music presenters in favour of Australia's Next Top Model contestants (not even the winner)?

And Bob Katter? Bob Katter! What on earth - apart from the LOLOL fact that he's an Independent politician and he's presenting the Best Independent Release category, LOL I GEDDIT - does he have to do with music? The man's a certified lunatic who thinks global warming is caused by crocodiles on his roof.

As for the music, clearly the performances chosen hinge on which artists are nominated that year (and the ARIA nominations process is a topic that requires at least another ten blog posts worth of rage). Ergo, if the noms are a spotty bunch, so will the performances be.

There weren't many artists performing this year who I'd choose to go see live, but at least if I did, I would actually SEE THEM. Who left Scooter the work experience kid in charge of the smoke machine?


Megan Washington, is that you in there?

This isn't about cultural cringe - there have been plenty of international awards ceremonies that are equally as embarrassing - but the ARIA Awards are it for us. They are our "Grammies", so how do we manage to keep fucking them up so royally?

Word on the street, guys, is that the ARIAs have been so FUBAR'd that they might not even make it to air next year. I want the two of you to go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.

In the meantime, I have prepared a little list for you. I want you to read it while you're thinking about it all.

If you do get the chance to throw this party again next year, don't screw it up for the rest of us.

Love,
Clem

A LIST OF POTENTIAL PRESENTERS, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER OR GENRE, WHO HAVE MORE TO DO WITH AUSTRALIAN MUSIC THAN A FAT EX-OLYMPIAN, AN INSANE POLITICAL RENEGADE, AND CARMEN ELECTRA

Renee Geyer
Les Gock
Molly Meldrum
Russell Morris
Magoo
Regurgitator
Triple J Presenters
RRR Presenters
MMM Presenters
Gold FM Presenters
Billy Pinnell
Barry Bissell
Andrew fucking G
Julia Zemiro
Tina Arena
Robert Forster
Peter Garrett
Ella Hooper
The RocKwiz Orchestra
Richard Gill
Cody Simpson
Jade Macrae
Jimmy Barnes
Brian Hooper
Kim Salmon
Dave Graney
Adalita
Bum Creek
Harry Vanda
George Young
Daniel Johns
Natalie Imbruglia
Wendy Matthews
Kate Ceberano
Powderfinger
Blood Duster
The Guy Who Plays Makeshift Drums Outside Melbourne Central
James Valentine
James Morrison
James Mathison
The Guy Who Used To Play The Piano On Play School
David McCormack
Sally Seltmann
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Australian_musicians
ANYONE OTHER THAN BOB KATTER, GEOFF HUEGILL AND CARMEN ELECTRA