[Note: Some images below are NSFW.]
Dear President Jules. RE: Your recent ascent to the
presidency.
Hi, I'm Geena Davis. That's me on the right:
What an exhilarating day last Thursday was!
Oh, yeah, I know, it's not like we haven't ever had any other female leaders in history. There was, for example, Elizabeth Taylor in Egypt:
And Milla Jovovich in France:
And Cate Blanchett in England:
All fabulous leaders, each with their own inspiring hairstyles to flaunt.
But hang on! These are just movies, not real life!
Yes, they
are only movies. And you know what? I
love the movies. As an Olympics archery team semi-finalist, I
love them. As a member of MENSA with an IQ of 140, I
love them. And as an actress who acts in them, I
really love them.
But even though I have achieved so many different things over the course of my dazzling career, today I speak to you in my capacity as Commander In Chief on the totally defunct television series,
Commander In Chief. In my role as the first female president in that TV show, I think I'm in a better position than anyone else in the entire world to give you advice.
I should point out that my affinity to you goes beyond the fact that we both have one of these:
That's a vagina on wheels, FYI. It even goes beyond the much-observed fact you resemble fellow film star Tilda Swinton:
That's completely irrelevant. Why, I look like a film star too—film star Geena Davis, to be precise—and that never once stopped me becoming president on TV.
That's me on the right.
Anyway, watching the
speech you made last week, I was reminded of my own speech, made under very similar circumstances, back
when I became the first female president of the United States of
America on a TV show:
I'll admit, you did a much better job than I did. But this is not about competition, Julia.
Today, I don't want to tell you how to suck eggs, but a lot of people are going to be giving you advice about how to be Madam Prez in the weeks to come. And I'm pretty sure none of these people who are doling out 'handy hints' have ever played the role of first American female president in a TV series, as I have. So now it's up to me. Allow me to just get comfortable.
Thank you. So here goes. My advice to you is this: you need to get Donald Sutherland working for you.
Why, you ask?
Well, he was
my vice-president after all:
I have no idea what he actually did in the show, because to be honest I tuned out myself after a couple of episodes, but I really do find his piercing blue eyes just exquisite. That is, at least when they're not shooting out cold, hard flames of hatred and revenge at me.
In fact, looking at this photo, I think he might have actually hated me on that show. Maybe it was because I had one of these:
A vagina on wheels. People hate those things. No idea why; the wheels make them very handy.
Anyway, as you, Julia, probably know, I have a strong record of
speaking out about the way women are portrayed in the media, so I'm totally looking out for you. Especially because there seem to be some people out there who think you're
a bad role model for women.
This is why I think Donald Sutherland will be a valuable asset to your team. Not only has he been in
MASH, he was also in one of the best films ever made,
Six Degrees of Separation. More importantly than any of this, though—he is also Kiefer's dad! And they are always out doing fun father-son things together, which would effortlessly bring a 'family' vibe to your presidency should you start to feel nervous about 'that' at any point during the upcoming election campaign.
Donald and Kiefer Sutherland out together doing fun father-son things.
But there's another reason I think you and Donald will get along famously. Don't tell me you don't remember. Julia? Don't be coy about this! People need to know!
Remember when you played Kate Bush playing Donald Sutherland's son in her 'Cloudbusting' film clip?
You and Donald were FANTASTIC in that! You worked together so well inventing that brilliant weather machine, I just know you would make the
perfect political machine, too!
Well, that's all I wanted to talk to you about today, Julia. Get Donnie on board and Australia will be YOURS!
PS: My assistant has just whispered to me that I've been using the wrong lingo this whole time—you guys don't have a president, you have a prime minister apparently. Hmm. Okay. What's up with that, huh? You guys should get rid of Helen Mirren, stat.
