Pirates are the new black. This is because pirates are generally considered badasses, whose pillaging has become confusingly congealed in a thick, bubbling sheen of heroism and mystique. It scarcely matters that in reality, pirates used to be (and still are) thieves and rapists with little (read: no) dental hygiene, forced into their "careers" by circumstances so unfortunate that simply hearing them would make your tears ducts leap out of your face and strangle you. The internet, however, has hilariously, and awesomely, turned them into pop-cultural icons. And, as is so often the case, the internet has gone a wee bit off-target. Here are some prime examples.
10.
Gusanitos are, if my mangled Spanish is correct (it isn't), some form of cheese puff. The cheese puff, an abhorrence that resembles neither cheese nor puff, can survive multiple nuclear holocausts, and have been known to multiply if left alone. In this video, a pirate washes up on the shore of a desert island, finds some cheese puffs, and has an adventure. One can only assume that his boat had been freshly painted shortly before crashing, on account of the fact that said pirate is tripping balls something fierce.
9.
Norah Jones. Do you really think chasing pirates is a good idea? Have you planned on what you're going to do when you catch them? Or are you using 'chasing pirates' as a metaphor for your love life? Are all men 'pirates' to you? Are you drawn to dangerous guys who focus more on their friends and careers than you, leaving stranded in an ocean of sadness? Because if any of this is true, I am an actual pirate, and my twitter account is @paulverhoeven.
8.
Look at this stupid video. There aren't any swordfights, or parrots, or peglegs or anything. Idiots.
7.
I resent the fact that this video even exists. Firstly, white trash hip-hop is always awful, even when it's tongue-in-cheek. Secondly, the extras appear to be enjoying themselves. Their faces are not plastered with regret, but emblazoned with sardonic joy. It is my utmost wish that any real pirates reading this on their ARRRphones (No?) immediately hunt them down and kill them. Preferably in the face.
6.
Fuck, dubbing is hilarious. It also makes Orlando sound like Goku from Dragonball Z. Can you imagine him in an orange jumpsuit, spraying energy bolts at Vagina, or Vegetable, or whatever his name is? Are all of these Dragonball references going over your heads? Good.
5.
Trying to find the logic in many Python skits is like trying to brew decent Skittlebraü, in that it's damn near impossible, and will probably just lead to an upset stomach. John Cleese plays a reporter, interviewing a group of sailors about to seek out a lake, which as it happens is inside a suburban house. Cleese then proceeds to morph incrementally into a pirate. I guess the reason this video is misleading is because people usually morph into pirates in a single moment, as opposed to over a period of time.
4.
Captain Pugwash was an unrealistic depiction of the pirating lifestyle on several levels. Firstly, the characters were two dimensional. Many pirates throughout history have endeavored to evade capture by faxing themselves, but very few actually succeeded. Secondly, all of the pirates here are build like large beach balls. Yep. Because nothing says 'piracy' like being astronomically obese.
3.
Monkey Island, one of the greatest adventure game series of all time, revolves around a young wannabe pirate trying to a) become a pirate, and b) get the girl. This is unrealistic because pirates stank, and had shards of broken lucite where their teeth used to be, rendering the act of wooing somewhat futile. This video is the entire plot of Monkey Island, vastly abridged, in case you need to catch up. Also, it's in German.
2.
Rufio might just be a kid, and he might be one of the lost boys. But if you pay attention, in the first shot, what is he riding? A skateboard. A SKATEBOARD TRICKED OUT LIKE A PIRATE SHIP.
1.
Crazy Town, creators of this "music" "video", are by all accounts, insane. They not only condone piracy amongst children, but they prioritise choreography and puppets above the safety of their crews. It is, however, difficult to stop yourself getting swept up in the feral oceanic pageantry of it all. You'll also be disgusted at the notion that this whole music video is a story about an old lech trying to pick up a pink-haired, under-aged girl.
Piracy. It's disgusting.