Public access television is a great deal like microwaved mayonnaise, in that once you know it exists, you can never truly rid yourself of that permanent, fridge-buzzing of nausea. It is said that when blue-screen technology was invented, thousands of still-infant televangelists began speaking in tongues due to the sheer liquid wonderment which was about to be unleashed upon the world. So without further ado, let's delve into some of the worst moments in public access television. I realise that's a bit like saying 'let's look at some of the worst ways I could flense your children', but anyway.
10.
'Acquire the Fire' was a public access program that aimed to make Christian values relatable, by way of infuriatingly condescending scenarios in which teens were forced to say no to sex, drugs and Meccano - the latter of which has small moving parts that have a tendency to be swallowed by impressionable teens, baffled and aroused by all the colourful, shiny metal. I assumed 'Acquire the Fire' was going to end with the two pyjamed girls scaling Mount Olympus, battling Zeus, and acquiring the fire of the gods, which would allow them to transform into Amazonian justicicars at will. I still insist I was misled in this regard.
9.
Oh, look! Another denizen of the Swamp of Despair*: Cults! I got a little curious about the makers of this film, a group called Unarius, so I headed over to their website. After being greeted by a wall of animated gifs which promptly gave me an early Christmas present (read: epilepsy), I had a bit of a delve. Unarius is all about reincarnation, spaceships, and primary colours. They also have an online store. I cannot TELL you how badly I crave cult paraphernalia. After you've watched the video here, I think you'll agree: it's time to unleash the first and second conclave of light. IN YOUR PANTS!
8.
Let's take things down a notch. And by down, I mean somewhere deep in your bowels. This video doesn't really make any sense, and the kind soul who uploaded it somehow had the foresight, or requisite level of mental retardation, to hit 'record' on their VCR when it came on. It appears as if Matthew Barney threw up, that throwup was eaten by a time-travelling dog, who sprayed temporal effluvia into a subspace rift. That effluvia grew up, survived two world wars, and moved to the United States, whereupon he realised his lifelong dream: to crank up some nightmarish music box piece of shit and wail like his entire lower half was prolapsing.
7.
Halloween recently passed, and whilst I didn't trick or treat at all, I did get into a swordfight with a local warlock. Just to maintain the spirit of the occasion. I was also shown this clip of a mysterious pumpkin-headed dancer, as seen on a public access news program in Omaha. Scarily, he has the same physique as my dad. Before you ask, no. You cannot marry my dad.
6.
I've gotten, like, seven hundred emails since you started reading this list asking me if Hungarian public access is weird enough to put here.
You're welcome.
5.
Several points.
- Your hair is awesome, guy.
- The long shot of the floor with nothing happening, and the music still building, makes me feel a feeling.
- Hot cowboys are hot.
- I bet that guy's kisses kick like a mule.
- WOAH! Right at the end there's a seemingly unrelated shot of two people sharing milkshakes. At least, you think it's unrelated, until you see the sexy cowboy's ghost miming a handjob and evaporating.
4.
Why these guys don't have a record deal is beyond me. I'm not entirely sure what's going on here, other than the fact that a hipster and a half-melted humanoid cat thing took that shitty song 'Butterfly' and made it eminently danceable. Sure, it's only danceable if you dance like a Muppet being electrocuted, but that's how I dance. And that's where the magic happens.
3.
One of the best places to go for sheer, unadulterated public access embolisms is the Christian music video scene. The hosts are clearly insane, the sets are largely formica and cat sick, and the music... oh, God. The music is absolutely sublimely awful. It's so bad that after a while, you actually start to enjoy it. Sure, you'll initially laugh at Mark Gormley's creepy posture, and the way his coin purse seems to leer at you, or the fact that his mouth seems to be incredibly wide at points, which leads you to think about the dull wet 'fap' of his lips on your neck and your back against your sedan in the darkened parking lot of a Taco Bell OH GOD I'VE GONE OVER TO THE BAD PLACE.
2.
David Liebe Hart is my hero. He first came to my attention when I was introduced to Tim and Eric. There's something about a gap-toothed puppet wielding entertainment aberration that tends to stick, so I developed something of a crush on the man. Tim and Eric is essentially a spoof on public access, and we all just assumed David was either a) a brilliant actor, or b) a mental patient. And guess what? THEY PULLED HIM FROM PUBLIC ACCESS. There isn't ONE thing that doesn't rock balls about this video. The set is awful. There appears to be a racist elderly Jewish panda in a Shriners fez. For a second, the young guy on the right looks like a young Will Arnett. And then the creepy dancing starts, and it becomes apparent that public access television can and does serve as a potent alternative to blotter acid.
1.
Technically, this is remixed footage from a public access show. But I strongly suspect the Aphex Twin element was always there, waiting to burst out, like a latex alien from within John Hurt's beleaguered stomach. The footage is from a Christian television show centered around Colby, a talking, walking, rollerskating robot who sings about the bible for a bunch of children dressed entirely in pastels. The plot seems to centre around Nick, basically the Judd Nelson of the piece, who points out the shittitude of a singing bible robot, and is then assailed with hallucinogenic dance numbers.
Much like most of the bible, really.
*From here on in, public access shall be referred to as the Swamp of Despair. Here's a fun game! If you have kids, make them figure out what part of the metaphor that giant turtle is. Then spray them with fat, and run away screaming.