If I ever have a family, I'm going to make sure they watch the weirdest, most tangential shit I can muster up. Most of the human race, however, seem to think moderation and mediation are the way to go, and as a result, many advertisements have undergone rigorous levels of filtration.

In the United States this seems to have bred some properly batshit mental works of genius. You see, when low budget, bad acting, poor lighting and questionable hair meet, you inevitably end up with something grotesque. Grotesque, but almost sublimely perfect; the family friendly commercial.

Here are ten of my favourites.

10.



Giga Pudding was (and probably still is) some sort of family dessert. You'll notice that in the ad, it's marketed towards all walks of life, which is somewhat appropriate, given that it appears to be nothing more than a featureless gelatinous mass. I enjoy the fact that here, 'easy to relate to' translates as 'singing creepily and towering over cities in a chintzy, menacing manner'.

9.



Godzilla cakes! Nothing gets kids and parents bonding like a cooking show where the adults can enjoy the subtle culinary arts, and children can enjoy the fact that a radioactive dinosaur is using a whisk. I seem to recall Godzilla, at some point in the distant past, serving as a metaphor for the raw petulant power of the nuclear bomb. I'm not entirely sure what pancakes represent in this equation.

8.



This is what's known as a PSA (a Public Service Announcement). Back in the day, it was deemed artistically acceptable to take a moral message which needed to be imparted (eg, drugs are bad), hire some actors, and make a little narrative espousing the dangers of whatever. This one is awesome on so many levels, and - somewhat ironically - got me addicted to crack.

7.



Whilst The Great Garloo might sound like a creepy nocturnal magician with a cleft palette and a limp, he isn't. He's a badass robot, ok? And he's FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.

6.



Seriously, who the fuck shot this nightmarish vignette? It's the most jarring, disturbing sequence of shots I've seen since I Spit On Your Grave, and it's meant to be selling dolls. To little girls. Seriously, my brain hurts.

5.



It's sort of difficult to comprehend how anyone could market, or for that matter wear this ridiculous item. What keeps you warm, looks great, and can be worn by the entire family? THE NECKY, BITCH.

4.



I guess they have to get kids eating meat early somehow. Right?

3.



Here is a truly terrifying toy commercial. Here's the problem, though; toy commercials are meant to work on two levels. One, they entice the child, sending them scurrying off to their parent. Two, they can't offend the parent, otherwise the toy won't get bought (probably). Which is why ads like this are so off-putting. The premise is creepy and kind of awesome, but it tries to shy away from the whole 'dismembered finger' thing.

2.



Three words leap to mind after watching this. DON'T TAKE DURGS.

1.



Another PSA, and this time, the message is simple: don't put it in your mouth. And suddenly, a two minute shoddy Muppet-esque story becomes a cautionary tale about the perils of oral sex.