10.
I remember the first time I was forced to watch this scene. Several friends, grimacing preemptively, told me the basic premise (that two girls would kiss on screen) and neglected to mention the catch. That one of them was a blonde. What the hell, seriously. The only thing hotter than kissing an old lady is kissing an old BRUNETTE lady.
9.
Once again, Lynch delivers in spades (something he actually did once; as a teenager in Virginia he paid for his film school supplies by delivering spades to local quarries. Spades McGee, they called him). Dennis Hopper plays Frank, a Freudian nightmare with a thing for administering fierce bummings in featureless gravel parking lots at night. Kyle Maclachlan plays Jeffrey Beaumont, a young, idealistic kid who happens upon a severed ear in a field, only to be drawn down a winding path of intruige and fierce bummings. The kiss they share in this scene reminds me a great deal of
Babar, on which I believe the bulk of
Blue Velvet is based. Remember that scene where Uncle Arthur punches Celeste and yells "don't you fucking look at me"? Good times.
8.
Ah, Fred Savage. You stunted, clandestine lothario. In this scene from a film called
The Wizard, he manages to whore it up crazy funtimes on the roof of what appears to be a trailer, situated somewhere in the American midwest. One can only assume that the 'wizard' referred to in the title is the name of a local transient, whose penchant for getting into scrapes and shanking passers by is only exceeded by his lust for crack, and/or chocolate milk.
7.
I have nothing against the passing styles of kissing as depicted throughout cinema. But come on. WHAT are you DOING with your HANDS, Cary Grant? Are you an amateur phrenologist? Are you Jason Bourne, suppressing your innate urge to snap Eve Marie Saint's papery neck by concentrating on something Julia Stiles (who hasn't been born yet, unless she ages REALLY well) told you back at H.Q.? Or has Eve pinned your arms to the wall and you're slowly losing feeling in your extremities? If this is the case, break her neck, Cary Grant! You break that neck good!
6.
Holy shit! Is that a fat Cedric Diggory? probably not, but let's pretend it is Robert Pattinson, somehow fatter, more Canadian, and able to travel back in time to perform in roles that are beneath him. This kiss, forced upon one of the twins (they're both incredibly depressing to watch, listen to or try and neck with), is awkward, forced, and repelled with an urgency that says "I'll never act again".
5.
I'll grant you that this kiss is only awkward with the gift of hindsight, much like the invasion of Poland would have, upon reflection, been awkward for Hitler. Both, however, would have had to deal with the fact that they'd done something pretty hideous that they could never undo. I know what you're thinking. Did I just equate Luke Skywalker kissing Princess Leia with the holocaust? Probably. But if it helps assuage your understandable fury, I'm pretty sure I suffered a serious concussion about ten minutes ago, and I'm finding it hard to gauge what is and isn't awful.
4.
Simone, who is for all intents and purposes my boss at TheVine, recommended this one. I always avoided
It as a child, not because I was scared of clowns, but because I was scared of badly made cinema. I knew it was a made-for-television feature, but seriously, the acting in this was so bad that entire tracts of farmland in Arizona were rendered permanently barren (I cannot, however, back this up). Tim Curry plays the malevolent Pennywise, who attempts to kiss some guy with a beard. I like the fact that, given provocation, Curry could probably fit both fists in his mouth.
3.
I won't sully this video with excess commentary. Suffice to say, the kiss here is implied rather than shown.
2.
What is breastfeeding but a long, nourishing kiss? And what could be more awkward than the kiss of a plastic baby against the sheer faux mammary of a child actor?
1.
The first time I saw this video, I was with my friend
Luke, a blogger for TheVine, and male prostitute. Luke and I were laughing so hard we almost blacked out, although the room we were trying to break into at the time was flooding with Phosgene gas, and we probably shouldn't have been watching videos on his iPhone whilst trying to steal The Diamond of Xthungu (TM). There were, evidently, many films in this era which essentially involved dressing up animals, wiring them up like puppets and forcing them to enact gruesome human courtship rituals, dances and - in some cases - sword fights. If you enjoy this clip, the entire 23 film is online. It is so awesome that it could, in my humble opinion, father triplets.