The last couple of weeks have not been great for the animal kingdom.

First there was the now infamous CCTV footage  of lunatic (and Susan Boyle lookalike) Mary Bale dumping a neighbour’s cat in a wheelie bin, because she thought “it would be funny”. Turns out the rest of the world didn’t think so.




Now today there has been a report of a five year old Maltese Shitzu named Coco, being stabbed to death in Lalor last night, while she was peacefully resting in her kennel.


WHAT THE EFF IS GOING ON???

As the owner of two Maltese Shitzu’s, this story actually brought a tear to my eye (kind of embarrassing given I was on the train at the time), but I was also filled with an overwhelming sense of hatred towards these idiotic nobodies who treat animals as if they were playthings without feeling or brainpower (girl on the train who was carrying a kitten in her purse, I’m looking at YOU).

Admittedly I’ve never been that active in the way of animal rights, like Pamela Anderson has, but today call me Pammy because I am in the mood for revenge against animal haters everywhere, using the only weapon I possess.

And that is my knowledge of bad films.

Here are my favourite movies of WHEN ANIMALS FIGHT BACK!

‘The Birds’ (1963)

It super duper annoys me when people say that ‘The Birds’ isn’t a scary movie. If you live in Australia, you are taught from a very early age that birds are creatures to be deeply afraid of. I distinctly remember an episode of ‘Agro’s Cartoon Connection’ where Ranger Stacy was teaching all the kids in the audience to make fake eyes on the back of their flap hats, so as to avoid getting their eyes gouged out by swooping magpies. Ever since I discovered that every magpie apparently has the aim of stealing my eyeballs, I always cross the road to avoid them. Think I’m crazy? See exhibit A:

‘Jurassic Park’ (1993)

Dinosaurs count as animals, right? Apart from teaching me that Jeff Goldblum in sublime, ‘Jurassic Park’ showed me that some animals just should not be locked up. I will never ever forget the terror of hearing that poor cow screaming (can cows scream?) when it was being fed to that T.Rex. Apparently seeing animals killing other animals I can deal with, just not humans putting cats in wheelie bins.

 

‘Jaws’ (1975)

I know that technically the shark is meant to be the villain in ‘Jaws’, but to be honest, I think a lot of those people had it coming. What I don’t understand is why the trailer says that the shark is a “mindless eating machine” who is “without passion and without logic”. Um clearly the shark has a pretty firm plan- eating scantily clad ladies. And his logic is to go where the scantily clad ladies hang out. Sounds like a well thought out plan to me.


‘Leeches!’ (2003)

So you know how sharks like to eat scantily clad ladies? Apparently leeches prefer scantily clad men. I don’t even think this tale of blood sucking revenge got a general release, so for those who haven’t seen it; the plot is mainly concerned with a college swim team with a hankering for steroids, who unfortunately pick up some leeches on a trip to the local swimming hole. When the leeches drink the steroid infested blood they become MONSTER LEECHES hunting down each and every member of the Speedo wearing team. MONSTER LEECHES, you guys!



‘Snakes on a Plane’ (2006)

Everyone is rooting for the snakes in this one right? All I know is that when all those snakes are blown out the cockpit, I get kind of disappointed. It’s not their fault that the bad guy sprayed all the passengers with a special attack pheromone. The snakes are just as much the victims as the rest of the plane.