Fact: Traffic lights operate on a timed, pre-automated system.
Fallacy: You can control traffic lights by pushing the pedestrian button really really quickly.
I don't know what it is about pedestrians and traffic lights. It's like the little red man sends a signal to the brain that it should also come to a complete stop.
I've seen perfectly sane people approach a set of lights and dissolve into button-pushing psychos, smacking the little silver disc and muttering "comeoncomeoncomeon" in a style that wouldn't be out of place in a dementia ward.
My favourites are the ones who approach a crowded intersection and immediately assume that not one single person has thought to press the button. They seem to think we've all congregated like sheep, staring aimlessly at passing cars, waiting for someone clever to come along and put us out of our misery.
So up comes Mr Smarty Bum, elbowing his way through the crowd before pressing the button with a self-satisfied whack. The worst part is his smug little smile when the green man finally appears, looking around at the rest of us as if to say "No, no please don't thank me. It's my pleasure".
It's like he thinks the God of Traffic Lights has shone down and said "Oh look! It's Richard Wainthrope from Accounts. We mustn't keep HIM waiting!"
Do they not understand that no amount whacking will effect the order of the lights? No man, woman or doddery pensioner is bigger than the system. Why then, this failure to recognise the order of things?
I've often thought about speaking up. Mostly, it's when I'm alone at the lights, waiting patiently after having (gently) pushed the button (once). This is when the trigger-happy offenders really get my goat.
I stand really close to the button, so they practically have to shove me out of the way in order to do their dirty work. In my mind, I've got the speech all prepared. I take a deep breath, shake my head, give them my best condescending sneer and say:
"Look, I've already pressed it. See the little red light? That means the button has been activated. There's no need for you to worry because it won't make a difference. The lights operate on an automated system, and no amount of button pressing will change that. We just have to wait our turn".
Sure, it's odd to have a prepared speech, rehearsed many times in the shower and in front of the mirror, tucked away in my brain for just the right moment.
But I can never bring myself to do it. I'm afraid of looking like a nut.
So instead, I take a deep breath and step to the side. I let them go through the motions, thinking they are King of the Lights while I take the moral high road.
But then something comes over me, and I realise I can get my revenge by being quicker off the mark and making it across the road before them.
Hahaha - sweet victory is mine! All mine! That'll show 'em who's boss. You think you're so clever with all your stupid button pushing. But look who's the king of the intersection now!
And the best part is, they are still the weirdos. I'm the sane one. I'm the normal one. I'm the one with all the common sense. I TOOK THE MORAL HIGHGROUND!
Right? RIGHT?!
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