An ex-boyfriend of mine rang me at 3am one morning and from what I could remember at that ungodly hour we didn’t exactly part on the best of terms 5 years ago, I doubted this phone call was going to end any better.
What made the whole thing more surreal was that I knew it was him even before I heard him wheezing into his asthma inhaler down the phone, it was my amazing sense of reluctance to answer the phone that made me absolutely sure it was him, but I answered nonetheless – I was curious.
The last time I saw him he was sobbing into a Bacardi Breezer at The Espy, proclaiming everything was his fault because and I quote ‘I can’t find you attractive no matter how I try.’ I was onto my 5th shot of tequila by then and couldn’t help but think what a nasty hang over he was going to have if he continued with such surgery beverages; but really he was dumping me so it wasn’t of my concern anymore. He ended the night with gently looking me in the eyes and declaring ‘this is so much harder then me for you, so much.’ And then if memory serves correctly, he cried some more.
At 3am on a Monday morning I had a hunch he was probably drinking again. I’d heard he’d quit stone cold about 3 years ago, and I remember feeling slightly cheated because most of our relationship had involved him inebriated, with me constantly reminding him that I was his girlfriend and not some hooker every time he rolled over after a big night and found me lying beside him.
‘Are you serious? What are you calling me for? – and just to get straight to the point, no my legs have not gotten any longer since you last saw me, so if that’s what you were calling for better get ready to cry yourself to sleep darl.’
Silence. I let out a long breath.
‘How are you?’
‘I’m really good Lulu, thanks for asking. It really means a lot that after all this time you still have it in you to ask me how I am. No really Lulu, I mean it.’
‘Are you on drugs?’
‘You’ve always know how to make a guy feel wanted Lulu.’ He curtly piped in.
‘Oh I get it…great…are you calling me because you’re about to kill yourself? Surely there is some 1800 number you can call, because right now when it comes to men I’m the last person you should be calling. It’s like the 1970’s you’re a cute female brunette with car trouble and I’m Ted Bundy…basically for the love of God my advice to you is jump.’
Again silence.
‘Do you want me to call your mum or something? She’ll save you from killing yourself, I’m sure of it – it’s kinda her job and she loves you, inappropriately but it’s a form of love I guess – tell me what is it when a women projects all the failings of her marriage onto her son?.’
‘I’m not trying to kill myself Lou. I just rang to talk.’
‘Has someone died? Has your mother finally died, because if she has the world is finally a less judgemental hell hole then it was – what do you say? Hi five!?’
‘No Louise, my mother isn’t dead, and she didn’t hate you…she just preferred blondes and she really was allergic to the sound of your voice, no matter what fantasy you might’ve made up- you gotta let it go.’
‘If you’re not going to kill yourself, I’m hanging up. This is a waste of both mine and your time, it’s not like I’d even go to your funeral. Seriously if this was call to tell me you were dead I’d really have to stretch to even contemplate attending your funeral’
‘I think my girlfriend is cheating on me and I need some advice.’
‘..and you’ve rung me…’
“I know this might be a little awkward, but I was hoping you could see past our time together and…’
‘And?’
‘It hurts Lou; it really hurts to even think that she might be with someone else, lying to me. I can only imagine how it must have felt for you, given you were in love with me’.
‘I think you’ve got me confused with someone else’.
‘No – 5 years ago you were in love with me’.
‘I liked you yes, but loved you…we were only together a month. I don’t even get attached to TV shows that fast....’
‘Ok, so maybe you didn’t love me, but surely you felt something when I was feeling someone else’
I was a little confused at this point.
‘Are you calling to tell me you cheated on me?’
‘Of course not…’
I breathed out a sense of relief
‘You already knew...I’m sure I told you’
My stomach fell to my feet.
‘No, no you never told me that; you told me you couldn’t date me because I was Milo not a Quik girl...but the whole seeing someone else behind my back…no that never came up.’
‘That’s probably because I didn’t see that as a reason to break up with you Lou. The cheating was the one thing I didn’t see being the end of the us – you and your ways was the end of us, but the cheating it was just part of us.’
‘No, I think you’ll find the cheating really didn’t involve any part of me....’
‘Don’t be crass Lou’.
‘What – you stuck your dick in someone else while we were together and you call me at 3am to tell me…’
‘I didn’t call to tell you…I thought you already knew...it was an honest mistake…geez you always do this, change the topic, and make it about something it never was about in the first place.’
‘You’re an idiot.’
‘At least I can feel things Lou, at least I know I’m being cheated on…you, you had no idea, that’s how self involved you were....’
‘Self involved, or maybe was it because I thought better of you…trusted you…you’re making me feel ill.’
‘You…you’re talking about your feelings? This isn’t about you Lou, it’s about me and how I feel...and right now my world is falling apart and I’ve turned to you and you shun me...shun me for one little mistake 5 years ago. She was my best friend too.’
‘My best friend?!...what one earth?’
He fell silent one last time.
‘I’m not going to apologise Lou, I haven’t done anything wrong except be honest with you. She did this thing with tongue and wasn’t afraid to make me feel vulnerable…’
‘I’m concerned about your definition of honesty....’
‘My definition of honesty should be more then good enough…for you.’
‘You cheated on me’...
‘Did I Lou, or did you cheat yourself?…think about it’.
‘You’re an idiot’
‘I know you are but what am I?’
‘A cheater?’
‘I know you are – oh you got me good there Lou…got me good…’
We both laughed.
‘So any advice about the girlfriend and the cheating thing..?’
I adjusted my pillow.
‘Well if you want my advice…’