Dear Lou, I’m a 19 year old (girl) and am yet to have a boyfriend. Lately I have started to see myself as an aged spinster who finds pleasure in cursing at young couples making out on trains. Help.

Dear ’19 year old girl’ (I can be literal),

First up congratulations on even being able to write me your concern, given I’m sure the deep gashes bleeding out from your wrists should be causing spasms by now but my guess is the numbing stillness hasn’t quite kicked in yet.

I assume deep gashes on the wrists because you have a penchant for the dramatic and I surmised this by your question.

Your only 19 years old! I’m not even going to cry you a river, sure we might be out of the drought but I’m still a water conscious Victorian and I’d rather waste my tears on a Julia Roberts movie, yeah you heard me – a Julia Roberts movie. You don’t even know how good masturbation can feel, because if you did you wouldn’t be pining for a boyfriend, because at 19 trust me, an extra pair of hands is all they’re good for!

Now before I step out, close the door and suggest a mixture of your mothers’ prescription pain killers, sleeping tablets and a plastic bag fixed over your head (I’ll just leave them by the door for) cursing young couples making out on trains is the right of everyone, not just spinsters, you don’t get a monopoly on that. Some of my greatest memories with past boyfriends has been watching people make out and playing the game ‘Cousin/ brother or dad’ (or on the Lilydale train line playing ‘all of the aforementioned’).

I need to make this clear; if you think having a boyfriend will make you happy then you’re an idiot. Whether you be 19, 35 or still playing the field at 75 understand no one will ever make you more happy then you can make yourself, but I speak from the position of someone much older than you, someone who can afford better wine and not to brag but I probably have better dexterity in my fingers given I’m a writer and all – ipso facto, I’m more experienced at making myself happy or on occasion making myself cry.

But today I’m off to make myself happy and if the bleedings stopped so should you.

Lou
x


Dear Lou, I’ve been having this on off thing with this guy, should I wait and see if he leaves his girlfriend?

Dear 'I only see good things for you'

Yeah sure why not? But my concern is the waiting; I mean what are you going to do with your time while you wait for him to leave his girlfriend?

Here are my suggestions:

* Put a non-refundable deposit down on a romantic holiday the two of you can possibly take when he leaves his girlfriend.
* Start a farm/school that specializes in teaching pigs how to fly.
* Make friends with his girlfriend so that all three of you can hang out. I reckon that’ll make the transition easier.
* Inform the local cab company that you’ll be canceling your account with them because he’s going to start staying over the whole night and will not be using you like a touch and go cash machine anymore.
* Practice in the mirror telling your friends ‘that this time it will be different’.
* Eat as much ice cream as you want, cause in your world it has no fat or sugar in it!
* Cure cancer.
* Pre-purchase tickets to The Spice Girls Reunion Tour.
* Start bringing people back from the dead, maybe teach them to crochet?

That’s just a starting out list, I’m sure there are a lot more tasks/activities you can bide your time with while waiting for hell to freeze over. Given global warming and all that it shouldn’t take nearly as long as once predicted. I myself can’t wait to come on down to your pig flying farm.

You go girl! 

Lou
X


Well that’s it from me for this year anyway. It’s been good. You guys are good. It’s all good. There have been tears, there have been laughs and I hope along the way you've at least gotten laid in some form or another. The great thing is - I don't need to hear about it anymore :)

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