Hipsters are stupid. They like to think they are the forerunners in things like fashion, music, culture and even techno1ogy. In the following lecture, I will illustrate why hipsters are stupid and how to deflate the tires on their fixies without them throwing a Sigur Ros LP at you.
HIPSTER FASHION
Nothing says “I AM ABOUT AS USEFUL AS AN APPLE 2E IN A BLACKOUT” more than hipster fashion. I mean, HELLO MR CROSS DRESSER!! My mum wore those skinny jeans in 1996 before her accident and she didn’t pay $189.95 for them online!! (FYI – I think she got them at K-Mart when they had one of those twelve-and-a-half-percent off sales). And oh – she’s also been rocking the same cardigan you and your boyfriends are wearing since 1991! Except hers has stains on it cos she's a paraplegic, which makes dinner time quite messy (even if it's just a vegemite sandwich, God knows how she does it).
HIPSTER MUSIC
Welcome to a day in the life of a hipster – “Wake up. Log on to Pitchfork. See what album they give 8 stars. Blog about it being ‘album of the year’. Have breakfast. Blog about said band selling out and how they were soooo 9.00am. Ride fixie. Grow moustache. Repeat.”
HIPSTER CULTURE
Part of the Hipster uniform (oh yes, it is a uniform) includes any type of Apple accessory (yaaaaaaawwwwnnn, oh look – Steve Jobs is doing ANOTHER speech about the new iPhone that comes in a different shade of black) and a fixed gear bike. I like to let their tires down just a little bit, thus making take-offs with one gear even harder. This is an effort to bulk up their legs so they can’t fit into their skinny jeans and thus become ostracized from their elitist group. One hipster at a time is my mantra. Two weeks ago I got caught doing this, but I distracted the hipster by saying that Animal Collective had just released a new album that morning and he ran off in the direction of Polyester Records. Idiot! I don’t even know Animal Collective but I overheard some other hipsters saying that they’re the best band since Belle & Sebastian.
So there it is. Hipsters – the second worst people in the world. I hope you found my lecture informative and helpful. However, if you are still left wondering what they look like, I have drawn a picture of one for you…