Thanks to GO! the channel of my dreams, not only do I get a daily dose of TMZ, but I also get to regularly enjoy my childhood favourite The Nanny. Like most families, mine was addicted to the weekly hijinks of Fran Fine, a hotter Lucille Ball for the Nineties.
I relished everything about this show, the theme song, the clothes, the canned laughter, the constant Barbara Streisand references, the use of the word schmuk! There was only one other lady that captivated my televisual attention, and a lot of the time my nine year old brain just could not compute her hijinks.
So it was through the nasal musings of Fran Drescher that I found one of my early role models, and rules for a successful and fulfilling life.
1. Your one true love will definitely have an accent. And be rich. Even though others will tell you that he is simply a rebound from your last boyfriend, who kicked you out in one of those crushing scenes, they are so, so wrong. And better yet, even if he seems to ignore you for ten years and only uses you for business opportunities/ when he is drunk/ when he wants to piss off his mother, if you wear him down he will eventually love you. And you will get married.
2. In order to find said true love, clothes must be worn as tight and as short as possible (except in relation to turtlenecks and beehives). Synthetic fabrics that cling are preferable, as are bright colours and diamantes. Basically if you have enough room to wriggle on to a desk, you’ve got it. If your thighs aren’t numb, that skirt is not tight enough!
3. Always ALWAYS have a less attractive best friend, who has fewer prospects than you. If you have any inclination that she will get married or find a fulfilling career before you do, drop her like she is hot. How else can you boost your self esteem while you’re waiting ten years for Sheffield to put a ring on it?
4. If your skin tight outfits don’t catch people’s attention, then at least you can count on your good humour. However, make sure most of your jokes are centred around your ethnicity (i.e. your overbearing Jewish mother who tries to set you up with Doctors, and your love of words like ‘schvitzing’) and then if people don’t laugh, it’s not because you aren’t funny, they must be prejudiced.
5. Become a mother figure to three Aryan looking children. But a hip mum, who takes them on dates and doesn’t tell them off for having porn. Not only will these children’s devotion ensure you a steady and largely undeserved income, but they will bring out a nurturing side to you that you never knew you had. Plus they will guilt Mr. Sheffield into marrying you.
